posted
I drafted this short last night. I tried to employ some of the feedback that I recieved yesterday in the first thirteen. I am just looking for crit on that currently.
The Charles Darwin Biological Center for the Development of Native Kilianth Species was in a state of chaos. The hundred or so specimens of native species were simultaneously going berserk in their cages. “This is the second time this week” yelled Professor Prescot to his colleague Professor Singleton. “I am starting to believe that it has something to do with the seismic activity the Geologist have been reporting” “You may be on to something there” “WHAT?” the noise was deafening. “I think you may be right” he yelled louder “Let’s head over to the geology lab. Let the interns deal with this circus”
posted
Interesting. I'm not sure how strong the hook is, but I'd keep reading. Needs some punctuation fixes.
My take, with changes bolded:
quote:The Charles Darwin Biological Center for the Development of Native Kilianth Species was in a state of chaos. The hundred or so specimens of native species were simultaneously going berserk in their cages.
“This is the second time this week,” yelled Professor Prescot to his colleague(not sure this is necessary) Professor Singleton.
“I am starting to believe that it has something to do with the seismic activity Geology(I get the impression they'd refer to the department, not a single person here) have been reporting.”
“You may be on to something there.”
“WHAT?” The noise was deafening.
“I think you may be right,” Prescot(Which "he" is this? I'm assuming Prescot.) yelled louder.
“Let’s head over to Geology and let the interns deal with this circus.”
Other than that, the names are a concern for me. First names would help me get a better handle on who the characters are - right now my brain is drawing generic "Old White British/American Guys" pictures of them. Finally, it doesn't matter much, but the more common spelling, AFAIK, is Prescott, with two "T"s.
posted
Thanks again Zardov. I agree with all your suggestions except “Let’s head over to Geology and let the interns deal with this circus.” I think the original showed the pause between sentences. I could almost see his bewildered look at the animals going bonkers before he says" Let the Interns handle this circus."
quote: The Charles Darwin Biological Center for the Development of Native Kilianth Species wow, that's a mouthful, especially as the very first 12 words was in a state of chaos. The hundred or so specimens of native speciesrepeated "specimens," "species" makes this awkward were simultaneouslydelete going berserk in their cages. verbs in this paragraph are "was" and "were going." While not passive, they are nonetheless weak. Show us what the specimens are doing - hopping, screaming, ghashing, whatever. “This is the second time this week!” yelled Professor Prescot to his colleaguedelete. Also, if they're colleagues, they probably won't think of each other as "professor." Professor Singleton. “I am use "I'm" here, more coversational, especially in stress situation starting to believe that it has something to do withagain, formal the seismic activity the Geologist havehas been reporting” “You may be on to something there” “WHAT?” the noise was deafening. speaker attribution would be nice here “I think you may be right” he yelled louderwho yelled? “Let’s head over to the geology lab. Let the interns deal with this circus”
Yep, lots of punctuation-with-quotes and capitalization problems here. Also, the POC is unclear. Could be omni, in that case, you can belay my comment on the "Professors." But you'll need to be careful if it is.
There is a hook here though. If you tighten up the dialog the hook will stand out better, I think.
posted
That name as the first thing in the opening – no. No way. And rather than native species which is vague – try native fauna so we don’t wonder if it’s plants. And, how about beginning with a few details showing them going berserk instead merely telling the reader?
What I mean is more like this, a poor example but trying to show what I mean --
The red bat-cat was screeching and banging its head on the cage door. The silkflyer overhead chained to its perch had pecked a hole in the ceiling tiles while fire detector raged unheard in the background as half the rest of the native fauna in the lab howled, spit acid, and electromagnetically caused the light bubls to start exploding.
“This is the second time this week!” shouted Professor Prescot. “What?” said ___ “It’s that ____ seismic rumbling!” “Let the interns deal with this! Let’s head over to the coffee bar!”
One man's 'chaos' is another man's 'mundane'. Give a bit more visual. Spend a sentence or two describing what some of the species are doing. Are they simply making more noise than is typical for them? Is one species in particular showing overt signs of aggression and/or agitation towards another that it would otherwise fear? You've given yourself an opportunity to really hook the reader with some great visuals. Have some fun with it.
quote:“I am starting to believe that it has something to do with the seismic activity the Geologist have been reporting”
Depending on where the story is located, this announcement is not that big of a deal. What makes the seismic activity alarming / unusual / dreadful enough to make the reader want to keep going?
Other than these things, you're off to an interesting start.
posted
My problems with this opening are that 1) nothing actually happens, and 2) it is clearly put in simply as a way to get information to the reader. The scientists go into the center for no purpose other than to yell information at each other. Right now, there's no mystery, no goal, no tension.
Arriki's suggestion is a good one. Leave the scientists out of it. If the animals are simply shown going berserk, the reader wonders "Why?" (In a good way. No human/intelligent POV characters means you're not withholding information.) The animal behavior now becomes a hook in itself rather than a vehicle for scholarly information interchange.
Your second paragraph can then put the problem in terms of a human goal--finding out what the heck is going on. (Or, if that's NOT the point of the story, but just a side-note, you use the second paragraph to redirect the readers' interest to the real issue, while showing that it does RELATE to the animal behavior--that wasn't just a teaser thrown out.)
[This message has been edited by rickfisher (edited February 07, 2008).]
Printer-friendly view of this topic
