posted
I thought I drop something into the feeding frenzy.
This stab (pun intended) into horror is not quite ready for readers yet, but, it should be soon. It's present state is over 3400 words, and counting. I'm planning for 5000-7500 words. Without further adieu, I offer you the first thirteen of Delilah:
quote: Brian climbed into bed trying not to wake Liz, when the phone rang and shattered the stillness. He sat up so fast it rocked the entire bed. Heart thumping, he snatched the receiver before a second ring awoke everyone.
"Hello?" he said. Liz stirred next to him but didn't sit up or ask any questions.
"Dad, help," It was his son Danny and his voice was shrill. "There's something after me--" there was a crash. "OH MY GOD, IT'S INSI--" The line went dead.
Screaming echoed through his mind from a mist-shrouded past--a past blocked out by a tragedy that stole his parents. That too had been swallowed up and locked safely away. Now, dark shadows stirred in that mental miasma, and a name clawed its way out: Delilah.
Revision Below.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited February 18, 2008).]
posted
>Brian climbed into bed trying not to wake Liz, when the phone rang and shattered the stillness.
This either needs another comma between ‘bed trying’ or the one you got needs to be taken out.
>He sat up so fast it rocked the entire bed.
This is telling, try to show what is going on.
>>The bed rocked when he sprang into a sitting position.
Okay, you can probably do better than what I wrote.
>Heart thumping, he snatched the receiver before a second ring awoke everyone.
Everyone? I thought it was only Liz and Brian in the room?
>"Dad, help," It was his son Danny and his voice was shrill.
What does a ‘shrill’ voice sound like?
>"There's something after me--" there was a crash.
I don’t ‘there was a crash’. Maybe ‘something crashed on the other end of the line.’
>"OH MY GOD, IT'S INSI--" The line went dead.
Don’t like the caps either. You don’t need to force the dialog.
>Screaming echoed through his mind from a mist-shrouded past--a past blocked out by a tragedy that stole his parents. That too had been swallowed up and locked safely away. Now, dark shadows stirred in that mental miasma, and a name clawed its way out: Delilah.
This last paragraph felt odd to me. It doesn’t make me feel sympathetic toward your MC. He just heard something terrible happening to his son on the phone in the middle of the night and the first thing he does is think about himself? Maybe this event could unlock a repressed memory but not this quick. I would be storming out of that bed like a launched missile or calling 911.
This line threw me off as well
>Now, dark shadows stirred in that mental miasma,
This reads very pulp-ish to me. Like the way they used to write in the early 30’s. You don’t need to force the mood of your story on the reader. You’re better than that, IB. And none of this explains why he would think of this mysterious Delilah. Sure it sounds like his son is in trouble, as if someone is breaking into his apartment or he’s being chased by a gang.
You got something with some possibilities but it’s not grabbing me yet.
quote:Brian climbed into bed trying not to wake Liz, when the phone rang and shattered the stillness. [ Actually, stripped down, this is "Brian climbed when the phone rang." So there's a deeper problem here than the comma, I think] He sat up so fast it rocked the entire bed. Heart thumping, he snatched the receiver before a second ring awoke everyone. "Hello?" he said. Liz stirred next to him [She must be a really deep sleeper, if he was scared that the phone would wake everyone else up, (and I'm okay with the reference to other people at this point as long as it's clarified soon) and she barely reacted] but didn't sit up or ask any questions.
"Dad, help," It was his son Danny and his voice was shrill. [no problem with the shrill yet, but the situation warrants an exclamation after "help." I'm also wondering how old Danny is, and where he is. I assume an adult, but the word "shrill" sort of belies that] "There's something after me--" there was a crash. "OH MY GOD, IT'S INSI--" The line went dead. [There's your hook, for me at least. And if Danny is calling Dad on the phone for help, this implies an older child (boarding school?) or adult. Now "shrill" creates a contradiction and I'm bothered.]
Screaming echoed through his mind from a mist-shrouded past--a past blocked out by a tragedy that stole his parents. That too had been swallowed up and locked safely away. Now, dark shadows stirred in that mental miasma, and a name clawed its way out: Delilah. [This paragraph threw me too. His son calls, something's after him, phone goes dead. I think there'd be less stirring and miasma and clawing in Brian's head, and more jumping up, and pulling on of pants, and car-key-grabbing.]
I think that last paragraph can be cut down to a very tense single sentence - something on the order of "Screaming echoed through his mind from a mist-shrouded past, and a name clawed its way out: Delilah." The rest of it can come later, maybe as he's speeding through red lights on his way to Danny's house (or whatever)..
posted
I also had trouble picturing how old this kid was supposed to be, largely because of the shrill. The other question is, why isn't this kid/ adult calling 9-1-1? Why his dad? All this ties into how old the kid is supposed to be.
I thought the cut off of the dialogue, along with the caps, was a bit over the top. It feels forced to me. It actually made me wonder if it wasn't supposed to be a humorous piece.
And yes, the last paragraph throws a wrench in the pacing of the story. If he even said one line to Danny it would work. If if he reacted more directly--a chill runs through him because he _knows_ what got Danny. It could only be one thing--Delilah.
On the other hand, the POV is clear and the set up is largely clear.
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited February 18, 2008).]
quote: Brian finished checking in on the kids, did his routine walk-through turning off TVs and lights and headed for bed. He shrugged off his robe and tried not to wake Liz as he climbed into bed. He had just settled in when the phone rang. It might as well have been a gunshot. His heart thumping, he snatched the receiver before a second ring woke the kids. He sat.
"Hello?" he said. Though he spoke in a low voice, Liz stirred. She didn't sit up, ask any questions, or give any indication that she was conscious.
"Dad, you've got to help me," It was his oldest son Danny. He spoke fast and his voice was shrill. "There's something after me. 911 just put me on hold, and it's at the door." There was a crash. "Oh my God, it's insi--" The line went dead.
posted
I don't like the 'It might as well have been a gunshot' sentence--why might it?
Do night phone calls make him fear bad news or do they just irritate him because they wake him up. Is it just the startle factor of the ringing phone that makes his heart pound? ithink you need some actual thoughts.
quote:Brian glanced at his watch, even though he knew the time. Eleven-twenty. No one calls this late with good news. His heart was pounding as he grabbed the phone before the second ring woke the kids. "Hello?"
Not trying to teach you to suck eggs--just trying to clarify what I meant by giving a quick example.
"Dad, you've got to help me," It was his oldest son Danny.
Doesn't need the comma, needs a full-stop (in American, a period) as what follows is not a speech tag.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited February 18, 2008).]
quote: Not trying to teach you to suck eggs--just trying to clarify what I meant by giving a quick example.
Don't worry about it. I'm all good.
Though the watch is out of place in bed, the ominous thought was something I hadn't considered and should have. The gunshot, was trying to simplify the feeling with the disturbed silence. One of those things that really isn't necessary, but I liked the thought. Anyway, Thanks.
As to the comma: I just missed it when I went back through. Again, Thanks. I'll check out the comments, but I'm not touching the beginning again (if ever) until I write the end out. It's at about 4000 words, and getting to the fun part.
posted
The revised version is a lot better because I can visualize better what is happening. I do have a few nits.
quote:His heart thumping, he snatched the receiver before a second ring woke the kids. He sat.
"He sat" sticks out as it's written. Perhaps combine the two sentences. How important is it that we know he sits up? If it's not important for understanding subsequent actions, then I'd suggest dropping the "He sat."
quote:"Hello?" he said. Though he spoke in a low voice, Liz stirred. She didn't sit up, ask any questions, or give any indication that she was conscious.
You're spending an awful lot of time on Liz doing nothing, and that nothing doesn't even seem important to the story. Perhaps cut it to "'Hello?' he said in a low voice. Liz stirred, but didn't wake up."
posted
First let me say that your revised version is much better than the first. Far less confusing. But I do have some nitpicks.
quote: Brian finished checking in on the kids, did his routine walk-through turning off TVs and lights this last bit gives atmosphere, but creates a bumpy sentence, I would suggest either cutting out this phrase or making it into a separate sentence and headed for bed. He shrugged off his robe and tried not to wake Liz as he climbed into bed.this sentence is just a little bit telly--how does he try not to wake liz? Show us. He had just settled in when the phone rang. It might as well have been a gunshot. His heart thumping, he snatched the receiver before a second ring woke the kids. He sat.[b]I thought he was already in bed?
"Hello?" he said. Though he spoke in a low voice, Liz stirred. She didn't sit up, ask any questions, or give any indication that she was conscious. If this is important to your MC, you might want to tell us why, such as "for a moment he thought Liz might wake up, but . . ." You can probably come up with something better than what I just wrote, though
"Dad, you've got to help me," It was his oldest son Danny. He spoke fast and his voice was shrill. "There's something after me. 911 just put me on hold, and it's at the door." There was a crash. "Oh my God, it's insi--" The line went dead.
Excellent. Best part of the whole beginning. In fact, if you want a faster beginning, you might want to cut straight to when Brian first gets the phone call. Your choice, of course Posts: 80 | Registered: Feb 2008
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posted
I agree with much of what the new girl had to say. I think this would be excellent if you started right at the phone call. However that last paragraph still needs a litle tweeking. Perhaps you combined all the sentences into one paragraph so it would fit in the first 13 lines, but I think the tension would be elevated if you broke them up into their own seperate short paragraphs. And these lines concern me as well.
It was his oldest son Danny. He spoke fast and his voice was shrill.
I think these two sentences could be combined. You could really show the tension he is feeling as well.
Danny spoke quick in a high-pitched crackly voice
The fact it is his oldest son could be discerned later.
posted
Sorry, snapper, I have to disagree. The existing two short punchy sentences get across information that's needed immediately, and provide tension.
And second version much better than first. And yes, phone calls at night = "who died?" Instant anxiety.
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