posted
The story is 750 words. Genre classification... fantasy, I suppose? I've never been brilliant at classifying things.
Most recent edit:
quote: Stay still. Blaine shuddered. Stay still, dammit. “Blaine.” It was Bear. Blaine faked a snore. “Blaine.” “Yeah?” He knew what Bear would say. They'd been cellmates for a year. Bear wasn't replaced after they killed him. “Today. Leave today, Blaine.” Today. Bear was right. It had to be today. Blaine had a wife. Children. They needed him. “Right.” Blaine shivered as Bear faded away to wherever dead things fade. Maybe Heaven. Probably not. Blaine stood up. Looking at the nearest guard, he imagined himself outside the cell, unlocking the door. The guard strolled toward the cell, removed his keychain from his belt, and unlocked the door. So. That's what it was like to be in control. He'd forgotten.
I feel as though this fix is the clearest -- thoughts?
[This message has been edited by StephenMC (edited February 28, 2008).]
posted
I found this very interesting and would read on. I would be happy to read the whole thing when you are done.
Nits: I would start a new paragraph after "Stay Still" (and in a few other places later on). Also, you say "he didn't", and the very next thing is "He lay stiffly", which seems to contradict that. Also, why not "Blaine didn't" instead of "He didn't."? I think it is a good idea to enforce the name of the non-still laying person ASAP. You tell us on the next line anyway, so why withhold at the start? It is a subtle change but I think it would have made it much easier for me to read. I liked "...faded away to wherever dead things fade. Maybe heaven. Probably not."
posted
Honestly, I have no idea who is saying what. You need a paragraph, not only when the speaker changes, but when the actor changes. So, if A speaks, and B does something, and A speaks again, you need three paragraphs. Fixing that would really clarify things for me, I think.
But it'll mean you won't get as far in your first thirteen.
posted
I like it. That being said, I had trouble figuring out what was happening...
Blaine used some kind of mind powers to kill Bear?
When I fist read it, I got the impression (which I now assume is wrong) that Bear died indepedently of Blaine's powers, or was physically murdered by him as some sort of catalyst for the same. Neither of those seem to make sense however.
I'd like to read any complete version, if you feel like sending it.
posted
Thanks for all the help. I updated it in the main post.
Should I tell you what's actually going on so maybe you guys can help me figure out how to make it make sense? Or should I keep trying until you guys understand from the piece itself?
[This message has been edited by StephenMC (edited February 28, 2008).]
posted
Unless you plan to accompany every copy of the story, you'd best work on making it plain from the reading.
I too found this very confusing.
In the first sentence, Bear is talking, right? And Blaine is reacting, right? That is so not clear. Maybe using italics would help to make it clear and also to point out that Blaine shuddered instead of staying still.
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited February 28, 2008).]
posted
I had to read it a couple of times to figure out the first few lines. I'm still not sure I get it. Blaine tells himself to stay still because he doesn't want to talk to Bear. But I don't get why, since he knows what Bear's going to say (that he should leave that day), and it appears to be something Blaine wants to hear, since he agrees with it. So why the unwillingness to interact with Bear?
Some other questions--what has changed that has allowed him to use mind control now? If he'd been there because of his own ennui, I think you need to make that clear.
posted
Hmm. Right, I suppose I should explain all of that. I was finding it difficult to fit everything in 750 words. Hmm, I'll see how I can tweak.
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posted
It's not a matter of explaining everything or of fitting everything into 750 words. Rather, I think it's an issue of selecting what and how to present, when.
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posted
Ah, I'm getting defensive, I'm sorry. I'll continue to work on it, make it clearer, explain those questions.
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posted
I now understand fine what the lines are intended to convey on a literal level--exactly what is happening when--but I'll second the confusion on the implications, and on why?, mentioned by previous posters.
By the way, when you make an edit if F&F, it's usually better to put the changed version below, and simply mention in your first post that a new version is down below. That way, anyone new to the thread won't be puzzled by everyone else's comments on the original version.
posted
The fix is still unclear. Though people tend to disfavor info-dumps, here, I need information--is Bear dead or isn't he? Who is the "they" who killed "him" and who is "him"--Bear or Blaine? Why is Blaine apprehensive, and what exactly "has to be today?" You don't have to give a lot of description, just answer the questions.
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posted
There is a really thin line between TMI and withholding. So, while we don't want TMI, we need enough to make us want to read further. I think you are withholding in this one. Part of your problem may be you can't tell this story as a flash - less than 1K words. In trying to do so, you are keeping information from us that would hook us more.
Also, the two "B" names in this short a space makes following tha action a bit tough.
Finally, when you update, try not to delete the original so people who come in later can see the differences and know what comments go with the new version.
My take:
quote: Stay still. Blaine shuddered. Stay still, dammit. Why? The words create tension but it's there for no reason. If you create this tension, follow up on it. Is a guard outside with a nightstick? What is making Blaine afraid to move?
“Blaine.” It was Bear. IMHO hit us right here with the fact that Bear is dead. 'Blaine,' Bear's ghost whispered.
Blaine faked a snore. Hu? Will that fool a ghost? I think part of the confusion in reading is that the first lines treat Bear like he's alive so it's hard to make the shift later.
“Blaine.”
“Yeah?” He knew what Bear would say. They'd been cellmates for a year. Bear wasn't replaced after they killed him. you can probably combine the last two sentances. "Bear had been his cellmate for a year before NAME THE PEOPLE killed him."
“Today. Leave Hu? How does he do this? Isn't he in some sort of jail? Escape? today, Blaine.”
Today. Bear was right. It had to be today. Blaine had a wife. Children. They needed him. This is a bit repetative
“Right.”
Blaine shivered as Bear faded away to wherever dead things fade. Maybe Heaven. Probably not. NICE!!!!
Blaine stood up. I'm not sure you need the stage directions Looking at the nearest guard doesn't Blaine know his name or does he generalize all guards? , he imagined himself outside the cell, unlocking the door. The guard strolled toward the cell, removed his keychain from his belt, and unlocked the door. So. That's what it was like to be in control. He'd forgotten. HU?? this comes out of the blue. If he can mess with people's minds, why is he still there? Isn't he going to feel something as he takes the guard over?
Okay - So you have a psychic talking to a ghost. Then the psychic decides to leave jail. Don't the people who have Blaine know what he can do? If he can do this, why didn't he do it before Bear was killed and save them both?
You might need more words than you are allowing yourself. For something so short, after 13 lines I still don't know where this is going.
All that said, some of the images - Bear fading away - are wonderful and well written.
[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited March 03, 2008).]
posted
I agree with the above--don't sweat the limitations of this forum so much. More words, full sentences would probably help the ulta-compact meaning here that took a second read to make any sense to me.
Just a few words that expand it out, and let the sense of it breathe, may be a bit improvement.
My character question here (and maybe this isn't a problem; for you to judge) is if he can do this, why was he waiting? I hope that question gets answered soon, or I'll think this guy has so little initiative a dead guy has to talk him into escaping when it's so easy! :-P And personally, I don't want to stick with him if that's the case.
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