Menaus stood alone in front of his assembled soldiers. His blade would be the first to taste blood. It was why his men loved him. Times were changing and being the son of a God was no longer enough to demand loyalty. A general had to earn respect.
Menaus wasn’t a man of words. He had no speech prepared. No words of inspiration. He raised his sword and shield, and beat them together rhythmically. His men began beating their spears against their shields in time with him. The rhythm grew steadily faster until all that could be heard was the clang of iron on brass and the stomping of feet.
posted
You have capitalized on a trait in leaders that is both admirable and interesting. People enjoy that sort of bravery. I enjoy reading about heroes that stand on the front line with there men.
Secondly-- This intro definately gives proof that there will be some excitement comming
A word of warning-- while the hook is there, it would be a galactic let down if the plot isn't strong.
Lastly-- I think there are a few lines that could be written to give more impact(2nd,3rd,) 1st paragraph and(1st-3rd) 2nd paragragh. Not really changing the content just rearanging to impact and flow.
posted
I think you have a sort of repetition between the two paragraphs. Not of actual words, but ideas. Both sound like an opening paragraph but only one is. And having both begin with “Menaus” feels…wrong. Just my opinion. The son of a god seems to me to be a more interesting opening line.
How about rearranging kind like so –
Times were changing and being the son of a God was no longer enough to demand loyalty.
Menaus wasn’t a man of words. He had no speech prepared. No words of inspiration. He stood alone in front of his assembled soldiers. His blade would be the first to taste blood. It was why his men loved him.
He raised his sword and shield, and beat them together rhythmically. His men began beating their spears against their shields in time with him. The rhythm grew steadily faster until all that could be heard was the clang of iron on brass and the stomping of feet.
Hmmm, my arrangement would need a better segue between the opening line and Menaus being a man of words. Just a phrase, a word like "so" or something.
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited March 02, 2008).]
posted
Thanks for the comments. Is this any better???
*************************************
Being the son of a God was no longer enough to demand loyalty, but Menaus wasn’t a man of words. He had no inspirational speech planned. He stood alone in front of his assembled soldiers. His blade would be the first to taste blood. It was why his men loved him.
Menaus raised his sword and shield, and beat them together rhythmically. His men began beating their spears against their shields in time with him. The rhythm grew steadily faster until all that could be heard was the clang of iron on brass and the stomping of feet.
[This message has been edited by JasonVaughn (edited March 02, 2008).]
posted
Technically, "God" (with a capital 'g') is a name. I believe you want "Being the son of a god" here.
Posts: 357 | Registered: Feb 2007
| IP: Logged |
posted
the "but" between your first and second ideas does not work. Son of a god is not working for him and oratory is not working for him -- those are both negatives and would take a "and" but not a "but." Bravery is working for him.
son of a god AND oratory are not working for him BUT bravery is.
posted
Hi Jason, I like what you have so far. I like the fact that you introduce Menaus as the son of a god early on, but I think opening with it produces some difficulty with the follow-up sentences. I may be in the minority here, but I actually liked the original setup the best because finding out that Menaus was more than just a man was exciting. As a reader, I had already formed conclusions about Menaus and then you, as a writer, raised the stakes almost immediately. If the beginning has to be change, I would focus on Time at the beginning. I'd say something like: Times were changing. Loyalties were changing and being the son of a god was no longer enough to demand allegiance. Giving speeches powerful enough to stir men's souls were no longer enough to hold a man's bond; but Menaus wasn't a man of words. He had no inspirational speech planned. He stood alone in front of his assembled soldiers. His blade would be the first to taste blood. It was why his men loved him.
Menaus raised his sword and shield, and beat them together rhythmically. His men began beating their spears against their shields in time with him. The rhythm grew steadily faster until all that could be heard was the clang of iron on brass and the stomping of feet.
posted
I agree with Christian. I like the first because each of the first four lines tells us something new, and also, that the intensity starts high and only gets higher. Starting by saying he is the son of a god (or God, if you prefer) gives you nowhere to go.
I might suggest that the rhythm could be improved. In both versions, the first paragraph consists of too many short sentences whose rhythm is too similar.
Is this a finished work? Are you looking for readers?
Printer-friendly view of this topic
