posted
Below is my second atempt at this short. I could use a reader to go over this short piece. I am at a standstill with it. If I don't finish it soon it will go to the furnace.
Scroll to the bottom for my latest opener.
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited April 01, 2008).]
posted
Hi Bent_Tree. From what I've read so far, I would read only. My only suggestions would be to remove the italicized words[thoughts?] for now, as they took me out of the moment. And when Bryant breaks through, I found myself wondering what exactly he had broken through too. A room? The outside? I'm guessing it was the oxygen tank room, but it seems like he was pretty close since he didn't want acid soaked debris hitting him...and somehow I got the impression that he was standing pretty close to the tanks, which again made me wonder what he had broken through too. Perhaps I just need another read. Congrats on finishing your story, and again, I like what you have so far and I would read on.
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posted
This was interesting enough that I would continue reading.
Nits: The third sentence seems need a verb.
When you say "it was not freedom that he sought" do you mean, not freedom from his physical prison, or not freedom from his deranged mind? It seemed to me that you meant the former, but he is leaving the prison, after all.
posted
An intriguing beginning, I'm curious to see what happens next. A few points for consideration...
Prison—who can be the judge of ones confinement? Poetic, but I'm not sure exactly what this means.
Forty seven nights, Bryant had spent digging the tunnel that would connect to the oxygen shaft. The compacted regolith, nearly impenetrable were it not for the acid solution that had also eaten away the skin on his knee when he had been a little too careless. I stumbled over "regolith" and thought it was a made-up sci-fi word you were using for this story. But it wasn't clear from context what it referred to. I googled it and learned that "regolith" refers to soil and broken rock sitting on top of solid rock. Kudos for teaching me something, but honestly, not many people who aren't geologists are going to know what that means. How about just saying "compacted soil"?
Yet it was not freedom that he sought. His confinement came from within the derangement of his own mind. One is usually confined by something. How about "The derangement of his own mind kept him confined."
Curse this harsh moon and those that live on it. Tonight they will see. I don't know the time period for this story, but this sounds old fashioned. For some reason, I picture The Red Baron shaking his fist and saying "Curse you..."
His chisel poked through—he had made it. He finished chipping away the opening into the shaft that housed the oxygen pipes that transported the life giving gas to the Duke Island Prison. Being careful not to let the acid-soaked debris fall on his... Are you referring to ventilation shafts bringing fresh air into the prison? Air is only about 20% oxygen. Maybe it's easier to picture if you call it a "ventilation shaft", rather than "oxygen pipes"?
[This message has been edited by Jeff M (edited March 05, 2008).]
posted
I tried to make some strong ties to the moon. Regolith is the cosmically pulverized fine black powdery soil on the moon. It was the black soot on the Apollo astronauts suits. It is so deep and settled (compacted) though that it is very densed.
I was imagining Pipes that brought pure oxyegen from the oxygen plants bringing it to breather/mixers at each structure.
The plot is very strange however. That is why I am looking for readers to see if it is too out there.
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited March 05, 2008).]
posted
Okay, it does make more sense if it's set on the moon.
The beginning certainly isn't too out there... you have a guy with possible "issues" escaping from a prison. If you're going to go weird, I think it helps to start with a normal frame of reference, which will make the weird seem weirder (e.g. the "Twilight Zone" principle).
I do enjoy something strange every now and then, so if you want me to take a look at the full story, feel free to send it to me.
quote:Prison—who can be the judge of ones confinement? Forty seven nights, Bryant had spent digging the tunnel that would connect to the oxygen shaft.(Tighten. Awkward.) The compacted regolith, nearly impenetrable were it not for the acid solution that had also eaten away the skin on his knee when he had been a little too careless.(This is not a complete sentence. I had to read it several times to understand that he was digging through the regolith. Also, acid eating away at skin is a powerful image. I would place it in a sentence by itself.) Yet it was not freedom that he sought. (Cool. I'm intrigued.) His confinement came from within the derangement of his own mind. (Wait...what? Is the tunnel and regolith and acid all in his mind? I don't know what you mean by this.) Curse this harsh moon and those that live on it. Tonight they will see. His chisel poked through—he had made it. He finished chipping away the opening into the shaft that housed the oxygen pipes that transported the life giving gas to the Duke Island Prison. (Convoluted. Seperate these thoughts.) Being careful not to let the acid-soaked debris fall on his...
I think this could be tightened. Fewer words could carry the same meaning. Also, a few of your sentences seem convoluted. Say everything in the most concise way possible. Unless you have a great reason, when you have two seperate thoughts, put them in two different sentences. When I've chiseling through a wall, oxygen pouring through a shaft, and the introduction of the Duke Island Prison all in one sentence, I have to slow down and read that sentence a few times to make sure I'm understanding it all. Keep me on the page by seperating seperate thoughts.
Steadying his trembling hands, Bryant put down the hammer and fragment of titanium carbide—his makeshift chisel. The frigid chill of the tunnel numbed him to the point of pain. “Prison, who is worthy enough to be judge of one’s confinement?” he said aloud as he crawled back a step to stretch and warm his limbs. Spoken aloud, his voice was his own—not that voice of the DynaCorp psychologist which gained control of his thoughts. You are not a prisoner, Bryant “Who are you too say if I am a prisoner?” he screamed. In the complete darkness, he used his fingers to feel around the carved floor, seeking the Iron pry-bar. Raising it, he used its tip to feel for the chiseled grove. The acid solution used
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited April 01, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited April 01, 2008).]
I assume you mean "to say." It's better. The dialogue doesn't make a heck of a lot of sense to me. However, I clearly understand the situation and what's going on, so I'm okay with the dialogue as it is. The question, though, is did you mean for all of the dialogue to make sense?
[This message has been edited by DebbieKW (edited April 01, 2008).]
posted
I'd be happy to read it. The opening works great; there's a few grammar points, which I could point out. Since I'm a person who majored in English.
posted
To answer Debbie- It is a soliloquy it is meant to be weird and as the title implies he does end up in a straight jacket.
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quote:New title: Soliloquy and a Straight Jacketstraightjacket is one word, if you mean the restraint on mental patients
Steadying his trembling hands, Bryant put down the hammer and [his] fragment of titanium carbide— [this is an en dash; you'll need an em dash: --] his makeshift chisel. The frigid chill of the tunnel numbed him to the point of pain. “Prison, who is worthy enough to be judge of one’s confinement?” [It sounds like he's addressing someone named "Prison." If not, what's he doing?] he said aloud as he crawled back a step to stretch and warm his limbs. Spoken aloud, his voice was his own—not that voice of the DynaCorp psychologist which gained control of his thoughts. You are not a prisoner, Bryant “Who are you to[o] say if I am a prisoner?” he screamed.[Who does he think he's talking to? If I'm to understand him, I need to know this] In the complete darkness, he used his fingers to feel around the carved floor, seeking the Iron [lower case, unless Iron is a brand name] pry-bar. Raising it, he used its tip to feel for the chiseled grove. The acid solution used
I can't follow what's happening. The story may or may not be too "out there"; I can't tell.
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TheOnceandFutureMe
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posted
wbriggs:
quote:Bryant put down the hammer and [his] fragment of titanium carbide
Bryant is the only character in the scene. Whose would it be besides his? "His" would be unnecessary specificity.
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I'll take a look.
It's better. The dialogue doesn't make a heck of a lot of sense to me. However, I clearly understand the situation and what's going on, so I'm okay with the dialogue as it is. The question, though, is did you mean for all of the dialogue to make sense?
