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Author Topic: Untitled
trailmix
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Raithe walked with slow, measured steps back to the temple with his head tilted down as if it were too heavy for his wrist thin neck. He self-consciously tugged at the front of his hood, tucking his stringy white hair beneath it and ensuring it hid as much of his face as possible. The market vendors glanced at him nervously as they packed up shop for the evening. A wave of silence walked with him, subsiding only when people thought he was out of earshot. He knew the tales spun at his expense in the local tavern. He grew accustom to the staring and whispers. Looking like the walking dead was bound to stir up a little village like Plow. Superstition, magic and curses were real to these small town folks.

And here I am, thought Raithe, living proof that they're right.


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skadder
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No time for detailed analysis, but yes, hooked. (yes I did paste it)

The last line where he is responding to the narrator can work, but this early on it feels a little false.


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annepin
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Interesting, but you've got some POV weirdness. "as if it were too heavy for his wrist-thin neck" is definitely outside Raithe's pov. But the next line-- "He self-consciously tugged..." is pretty well in Raithe's pov, as well as "He knew the tales..." And yeah, the end line didn't quite work for me, either. You're describing all the things he's had to go through and that he's gotten accustomed to, not necessarily what he's thinking right in that moment. Therefore, it's a bit jolting to have him respond to the commentary as if he were thinking these things in that moment.
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Rick Norwood
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Good, but I get a sense that you are trying too hard. A slightly more relaxed and natural prose would work better. And the comment about sticking to a single POV is good advice.

Note that it should be "accustomed" instead of "accustom".

The line between evocative writing and purple prose is thin and wavering.


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trailmix
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Thanks again for the feedback. I see your point about the POV. Im dissapointed that I didnt see that for myself. This story, which may very well be part of the other fragment that I posted (havent decided yet), is aproximately 5000 words.

[This message has been edited by trailmix (edited March 23, 2008).]


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KayTi
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Comments inline in parens. Good start! Good hook. Just a little cleanup to make things clearer, simplify. The description is a bit much, a little toned back and I think you've got it.

quote:
Raithe walked with slow, measured steps back to the temple with (axe - repetitious) his head tilted down as if it were too heavy for his wrist (delete wrist. too much) thin neck. He self-consciously tugged at the front of his hood, (suggest "tucked his stark white hair under, taking care to have the hood cover his face as much as possible" - or something like that) tucking his stringy white hair beneath it and ensuring it hid as much of his face as possible. The market vendors glanced at him nervously as they packed up shop for the evening. A wave of silence walked with him, (suggest: Nervous glances from market vendors and a wave of silence followed him." - simplifies these two lines. )subsiding only when people thought he was out of earshot. (axe the second half of this sentence. wave of silence is more evocative, and him hearing it when people think he's out of earshot is just a little bit too convenient.) He knew the tales spun at his expense in the local tavern. He grew (was - grew implies he's currently doing this, but it sounds like he already IS accustomed to this reaction) accustom to the staring and whispers. Looking like the walking (suggest reword to reduce two ing words so close together) dead was bound to stir up a little village like Plow. Superstition, magic and curses were real to these small town folks.
And here I am, thought Raithe, living proof that they're right.


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trailmix
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Raithe plodded back to the temple with his head tilted down as if it were too heavy for his thin neck. He self-consciously tugged at the front of his hood, tucking his stringy white hair beneath it, ensuring it hid as much of his face as possible. The market vendors glanced at him nervously as they packed up shop for the evening. A wave of silence walked with him subsiding only when the vendors thought he was out of earshot. He knew the tales spun at his expense in the local tavern. He was accustomed to the staring and whispers. Looking like the walking dead was bound to stir up a little village like Plow. Superstition, magic and curses were real to these small town folks.
And here I am, thought Raithe, living proof that they're right.

I did a bit of clean up as suggested. I am still working th POV issue and I'm not totally sold on whether I should get rid of the inner monologue. Please check back soon. I should have another version up pretty quick (Im at work write now).


[This message has been edited by trailmix (edited March 23, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by trailmix (edited March 26, 2008).]


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DebbieKW
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I thought the rewrite was fine except for "A wave of silence walked with him." I'd read this as he was generating a wave of silence or some being or sorts was walking with him. Maybe a slight re-wording might make this clearer.

Hope this helped.


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Jeff M
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I LOVE the word "plodded". I've made a mental note to use "plodded" at the next opportunity in one of my stories. Unfortunately, for me, the second half of the first sentence doesn't have the same visceral impact that "plodded" has. I realize it's more a matter of style than of right or wrong, but if I was writing the first sentence, I might say something like: Raithe plodded back to the temple with his head dangling from his thin neck.

I liked the rest of it -- good imagery.


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