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Author Topic: EVO
Wildstar
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A REWORKED ONE IS A COUPLE OF POSTS DOWN.

I only have a vague idea of where this story is going so not much more than this is ready to be read. Would like to know if this is working for you all so far.

The last roach died today. An extinction that went un-notice to all, all but one, Mandy and it saddened her. She didnít see it happen, she didnít hear it happen but she knew it happen. She first became aware at age five. At age seven she could control it. Now eleven she understands it and it scares her. The roach died and would be added to the list and the list was getting longer. It was her destine to stop that, but how and what if she failed?

Thank you,

David


[This message has been edited by Wildstar (edited March 28, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by Wildstar (edited March 28, 2008).]


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Bent Tree
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quote:
The last roach died today. An extinction that went un-notice to all, all[ Delete second all.Spoken this would be fine but it is awkward to read] but one, Mandy and it saddened her. She didnít see it happen, she didnít hear it happen but she knew it happened. She first became aware at age five. At age seven she could control it. Now eleven she understands it and it scares her. The roach died and would be added to the list and the list was getting longer. It was her destine-y to stop that, but how? anddelete and & capitalize what if she failed?

This first line was fantastic; a thousand possibilities flashed into my mind. I like the style and your approach here, but it fades toward the end. The repetitition of "It" (the speculative element) started to be effective, but I stopped wondering after the second mention( got reader anger-frustration-whatever it is)

I would love to see where you are going with this. If you need someone to bounce ideas off of, send me an email. There is an Idea here that needs to get published.


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Bent Tree
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Welcome to Hatrack BTW. I didn't see you in Introduce Yourself; way to jump in feet first!
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Wildstar
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Thanks Bent Tree. I actually introduced myself back in January but being close to the holidays it went mostly unnoticed, similar to the roach. Iíve mostly been wandering around just learning the landscape and reading past lesson and messages. Really great work in here.

[This message has been edited by Wildstar (edited March 28, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by Wildstar (edited March 28, 2008).]


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Wildstar
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Does this work better or worse?

The last roach died today. An extinction that went unnoticed to all but one, Mandy and it saddened her. She didnít see or hear it happen but she felt it. Mandy first became aware at age five but it overwhelmed her. At age seven she could control the feelings, compartmentalize them. Now eleven she understands the feelings and they scare her. The roach died and would be added to the list and the list was getting longer. It was her destiny to stop that, but how? What if she failed? And something else was beginning to change in her.

Thank you,

David


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JustInProse
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Welcome...er...hello!

I agree with Bent Tree. Don't change that first line. The second one was too long for me. [Mandy and it saddened her]. You also have it written as if someone is freaking out, and telling someone else about it. This would work, if it was them speaking.

Things like [Now eleven she understands it and its scares her]. You are leaving out words and commas in almost every sentence.
{Now eleven, she understands it, and it scares her}
The [it] thing needs to be fixed. If you will check my only post on here, I made that mistake. Used the word probably fifteen times without ever telling anything what IT is. (Although it does give a rough idea).

I like the idea, but lose the passivity.
{The last roach died today. Mandy was the only one to notice. It saddened her, as it did every time.]

Anyway, I'd be happy to look over the whole thing and help with what I can.

JustInProse
Justin Armstrong


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annepin
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quote:

The last roach died today. An extinction that went unnoticed to by all but one, Mandy and it saddened her.I agree, this sentence is too long. I think it would work better to make Mandy the subject, rather than the object. She didnít see or hear it happen but she felt it. Mandy first became aware at age five but it overwhelmed her Aware of what, of things dying? Of extinction? Of the lives of cockroaches?. At age seven she could control the feelings, compartmentalize them. Now eleven she understands Why the switch to present? Even if it's happening contemporaneously to story time, I think you need perfect past since that's what the rest of the story is in. Which makes the reference to "today" problematic the feelings and they scare her. The roach died and would be added to the list and the list was getting longer. It was You would have to change all these verbs here to present to justify the use of "understands". her destiny to stop that, but how? What if she failed? And something else was beginning to change in her.

An intriguing premise. I would probably turn the page. I like ecological fantasies/ sci fis. What bogged me down, though, was all the stuff about how she felt at various ages. It's rather expected these days for superpowered folk to not understand their feelings and to learn how to compartmentalize them. I'm not sure how much it added, and felt in fact it took away from the pace of the story, and I think you could do it in a sentence. What I would find more compelling is what's changing inside of her.


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Bent Tree
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This revision works for me, with Annepins grammar correction, that is. I will sepparate from her on the fact that I like the MC's reflection. It sets us up, from her POV anyway. More story would be nice to fill out a full thirteen.

I could have sworn your Title said "New Member" maybe it changed after you posted again. I only joined in Feb.


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Wildstar
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It did say new member, i was wondering when it would change.

Thanks all for the comments, I will rework.


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tnwilz
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In Empires of Dream and Miracles, OSC made a comment Iíve always appreciated. He said, ďSince each writerís unconscious worldview is largely the same from story to story, to find deep novelty, readers of science fiction must find new writers as well as new tales from old friendsÖ. John Varley writes John Varley stories brilliantly, and you could never do them half so well. But neither can he write your stories, and your job is not to learn how to write his, but rather to learn how to write your own so clearly, so powerfully, so believablyÖĒ

Each writer here has their own style and thatís what I see in most of the F13ís I read here.

I like your voice David. You have a style and manner of speaking that is distinctly you. Just watch for clarity in expressing your story. I pretty much agree with all the points made here and particularly with annepin. Just balance the clarity issues with your own voice. In other words, make it clear but donít loose your style.

I would turn the page too because Iím not yet convinced that this is going to turn into some adolescent superhero fantasy. I donít much care for superhero stories. Many of them just seem to be a structured version of some lonely guys personal daydream of fame and heroism.

Destiny is a very loaded word that is often used casually even though it does have a strict definition which may not fit your story. (i)A predetermined course of events considered as something beyond human power or control.(/i)

Tracy


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wbriggs
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What annepin said.
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Wildstar
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"Dam you grammar!" Yes that is my weak point, which I know is bad for a writer and frustrating to read. I will work on that.

As for tnwilz, thank you, there is a style I am going for and will try to stay true to that but I do know that grammar is a weakness. In my regular job as a both as a Film Editor and Producer I have learned that if one person gives an opinion and it rings true, go with it, if not leave it alone. If three or more give the same opinion, change it. You will either realize that they were right or solidify why you disagree. But donít assume that you are always right.

I did not mean to imply that she had any super power other than a highly keen perception. The change I was referring to was the changes she would be going through as an 11-year-old girl. That was my fault and will work on clarify this, as I donít want to draw that much attention to it. Her perception or inner feeling is what is truly important. No superhero story here.

Thank you all, I will post a revision tonight to see if it is working better.


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Wildstar
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Does this work better?

The last roach died today. An extinction that went unnoticed by all but Mandy and it saddened her. She didnít see or hear it happen but she felt it. Mandy first became aware at age five but it overwhelmed her; too many feelings, to many minds. At age seven she could control the sensations, compartmentalize them. Now eleven she understands the feelings and they scare her. The roach died today and was added to the list and the list was getting longer. She knows she has to stop it, but how? What if she fails?


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