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This is something I've been working at veeeery slowly over the past month. I'm about one third to half way through, but I'm not really sure I'm nailing it. Thought I'd toss up my first thirteen (my first in a while, I think) to get a little feedback. No need for readers on the full thing yet, but they'll be needed eventually - I'll repost then.
quote:With a final burst of static interference, Sarah died and disconnected from the cluster. Where once a channel crackled with life and vigor, now the group could feel a palpable silence as Sarah’s frequency fell away to nothing.
Adam broke the silence. “That's it HETS? She’s gone?”
The cluster hummed as HETS channeled itself into the group. “Yes Adam.” Its voice boomed in the electronic space allotted to them, exciting the lower harmonics with more amperage than any one of them could muster. “I apologize. Her cardiovascular system incurred a blockage that I was unable to clear before significant neural damage occurred. I downgraded her synaptic input threshold to try and sustain a partial load in a vegetative state, but her body was not able to sustain itself.”
Jayson Merryfield
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 01, 2008).]
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You are a line and a half over 13 lines. Tut-tut.
Otherwise I am hooked; not that I am entirely sure what is happening though. I would imagine reading further will clear up the situation.
HETS? Like HAL? Son of HAL?
The second line seems mildly redundant: I am certain you could re-word it and get better value for merely introducing the concept of the 'group'.
There is also a fair bit of techno-babble that kinda feels like techno-babble. It may not be (but I think it is!) however you may wish clarify or eliminate some of what you are saying. e.g:
quote:Chandra sighed, a warble in her electromagnetic signature.
What is a '...warble in her electromagnetic signature...'? I am not even certain who the POV is or where any of these people are.
Still I originally said I was hooked--so I would read on. Adam
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited April 01, 2008).]
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I liked it. POV did confuse me, but thats nothing new with me. I am always confused. The paragraph where the HETS talked, if I am reading it write, I stumbled there. More techno talk than I am used to. It could just be because I generally read fantasy and havent read sci-fi in years. Although I must say some of these short stories are making my old interest rise again. Over all it had a sense of impending doom. I was hooked. Posts: 1168 | Registered: Mar 2008
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With a final burst of static interference, Sarah died and disconnected from the cluster. I don't know what the cluster is, but this is intriguing. Where once a channel crackled with life and vigor, now the group could feel a palpable silence commonly used phrases. Can you describe with unique images?
as Sarah’s frequency fell away to nothing. Adam broke the silence. “That's it , HETS? She’s gone?”
I've no clue who HETS is. Always use a comma with direct address.
The cluster hummed as HETS channeled itself into the group. “Yes , Adam.” Its voice boomed in the electronic space allotted to them, exciting the lower harmonics with more amperage than any one of them could muster. “I apologize. Her cardiovascular system incurred a blockage that I was unable to clear before significant neural damage occurred. I downgraded her synaptic input threshold to try and sustain a partial load in a vegetative state, but her body was not able to sustain itself.” Good computer talk. And its clear the HETS is taking care of them. So I'm guess situtation in which people would need a computer to take care of them
“So now it is just us five remaining.” Chandra sighed, a warble not sure about this word choice -- a singing, birdlike sound? in her electromagnetic signature.
As a reader, I'm still reasonably interested, but feel like I should have a basic understanding of what the cluster of 5 is, what they're doing, etc. Are they plugged into The Matrix, flying in a spacecraft, in a hospital, or what?
Emotional energy is generated with a character dying in the first line. But I'm not feeling a reaction, which is interesting, but bears some explanation. This is a well-written first draft; the line edits above are the sort of thing you fix up later. I'd be happy to read more when you're ready.
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I think you are going for AI that uses a human body as part of the "machinery". Is that right? I think you could state what "they" are; i.e., the group of _____ or the cluster of _____ ...
Posts: 785 | Registered: Mar 2007
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Thanks to those who have given feedback already. I truly appreciate it. I'm feeling a little better about this, since everyone seems to be grasping what's going on, or the parts they are missing are answered very shortly after one would turn the page.
Yes, HETS like HAL, except of different origin. He's an alien computer, working to save the remaining life on earth.
The technobabble is what I was experimenting with. It's suppose to be somewhat dense, forcing you to more gloss over it and pick up on the emotional cues worked into it (electronic warble, booming with amperage).
The POV, and the rest of the characters, are introduced quite quickly afterwards. And yes, HETS is using the human brains as processing cores for analyzing what is ailing the human race.
I'll finish this and get it ready to be sent out, but it might be a while.
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