Hedra von Melroth walked briskly in the waning light. She kept her knees up knowing that the first thing eyes lose in the dark is the ability to judge depth. Many a warrior had broken an ankle in a shallow hole that would have posed no threat by daylight and at Hedra's age recovery from injuries was iffy at best. The wind nipped her cheek where her matted hair failed to protect it and down by the river the weeping birds sang, piercing the air with a cry of loss and regret. The hero sighed, wondering if she'd have to sleep in the forest again. Her bones suffered from the damp. Lately, it took her several minutes of stretching to regain full mobility in the mornings. It was one of those things she never mentioned, like the way her sword, Brice, felt heavier in her hand with each
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 11, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Sara Genge (edited April 14, 2008).]
posted
Interesting style change for you. It has "Princess Bride" feel to it for me. I'm almost expecting that this will turn out to be a story within a story because it’s such, what’s the word, traditional fantasy, I guess. Unusual fantasy birds, a sword with sort of typical sword name. You refer to her as ‘the Hero.’ Far more scene setting than any real hook. Hmm, knowing you a bit – I’m gonna guess this is not the actual reality of the story. Although I also doubt that this is grandpa reading to his sick grandson because that would so not be your style. This is a case of knowing the writer a bit and thinking this is going to be interesting, she’s playing with her fans a little here. If it were anyone else I’d exhale loudly at its stereotypicality. Is that a word?
Another thought, perhaps it’s a sort of “unforgiven” thing where you take a typical fantasy hero and make her more real and vulnerable. Aging, aching etc.
Its funny that just the fact that its you dangling a line is hook enough.
quote: Hedra von Melroth walked briskly in the waning light. She kept her knees up knowing that the first thing the eyes loose in the dark is their ability to judge depth. Many a warrior had broken an ankle in a shallow hole that would have posed no threat by daylight and at Hedra's age recovery from injuries was iffy at best ”iffy at best” sounds awkward. “a slow and painful business” perhaps?. The wind nipped her cheek where her matted hair failed to protect it and down by the river the weeping birds sang, piercing the air with a cry cries?of loss and regret. The hero strange word choice / PoV, unless there is more to this than meets the eye sighed, wondering if she'd have to sleep in the forest again. Her bones suffered from the damp. Lately, it took her several minutes of stretching to regain full mobility in the mornings. It was one of those things she never mentioned, like the way her sword, Brice, felt heavier in her hand with each
The lines read well, for me (some minor tweaks suggested).
I am not picking up on the promise of anything beyond the generic, though. What stands out the most is the word, “hero”, and the unusual PoV that the use of the word implies. If you are doing something clever here, you might want to hint at it more strongly up-front. If you're not, I'd personally like more reason to care about the character and the scene in order to keep on reading.
posted
Somehow, in just 13 lines you have, at least for me, provided enough information about the character that for me makes her the hook. I want to know more about her. I also want to know why the birds are weeping with loss and regret. Very well done, as usual. I like it.
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posted
I also thought "The hero" was a strange choice of words.
I also wanted to know why the birds are weeping with loss and regret. I'm assuming you mean it literally from the way the sentence is worded, so I find this a promise of a unique world.
I like that the heroine is aging and wise, which is different from most traditional fantasy heroines.
I like traditional fantasy, so would have read on with the assumption that this is traditional fantasy about an aging heroine in a unique world.
posted
I tend to aree with nitewriter. I think the character herself is interesting enough that you want to know whats up with her.
Posts: 2626 | Registered: Apr 2008
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The character and the obvious set-up of realism as opposed to heroic glossing have me in. I think it's a bit wordy, not as smooth as it could be, but the premise caught my interest.
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