I strongly recommend doing your best on the punctuation *before* posting -- give it to us as close to what an editor would see, as you can.

Can't say I've ever seen short story to do it quite so well as you have.

First, I wanna know what's up with the slouching officer, and second what's under/behind the hatch.

quote:

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Nearly out of breath, Davis finally found Dr. Steffen just outside the docking ring leaning against the wall, rubbing his eyes, slowly sliding to the ground. (This sentence feels a bit choppy. Plus, I don't think we care too much about Davis. Could be tightened up, like "Davis found Dr. Steffan just outside the docking ring, leaning against the wall, rubbing his eyes and slowly sliding to the ground.) Steffen looked like he'd just given up on life. (Can delete this sentence. You're telling us what you just showed us in the previous sentence.)
“Dr. Steffen, sir?” said Davis trying to conceal the shock he felt (his shock) over seeing “Ironheart” Steffen in this kind of state. “The captain sent me to find you sir.”
“It would seem Mr. Davis, that you have found me.” Straightening himself Steffen continued. “Care to inform me what our illustrious captain requires of me?” (I like this line -- it shows a lot of the character of Steffen)
“He would like you to be there when we open the hatch sir.”

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