posted
He stood at the end of the jetty, his back turned to me. “Put your hands up and turn around slowly,” I shouted, keeping my police issue pistol aimed at his back. Someone reported him as acting suspiciously--then he ran when challenged. He lifted his hands out to his side like Christ on the cross. “Your world--” he said, his voice a deep rasp, “—is more beautiful to me than you could know.” Then he turned around. His face still deep in shadow and he laughed quietly. “I am Sho-Al,” With a single hand he pointed to the water. His hand convulsed and changed into a mass of silvery, wriggling fish that leaped in to the sea. “Good bye, Detective Forester.” A shudder passed through his body then he was gone; a mass of fish erupting like a fountain from his collapsing clothes.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited April 24, 2008).]
quote: He stood at the end of the jetty, his back turned to me. “Put your hands up and turn around slowly,” I shouted, keeping my [police issue pistol<--[This seems like pushing too hard. I get the idea from what he said, and the detail from Sho-Al calling him detective. Maybe use the calibur: "my .38" or "my Walther PPK" or something.] aimed at his back. Someone reported him as acting suspiciously<--[This sounds like a patrolman, not a detective.]--then he ran when challenged. He lifted his hands out to his side like Christ on the cross. “Your world--” he said, his voice a deep rasp, “—is more beautiful to me than you could know.” Then he turned around. His face still deep in shadow<--[Seems contrived. What shadow? At the end of a jetty?] and he laughed quietly. “I am Sho-Al[.]” With [a single<--[Maybe tell us which hand: "his right hand"] hand he pointed to the water. His hand [convulsed and changed<--Maybe you could use one stronger verb: "melded"?] into a mass of silvery, wriggling fish that [leaped<--[Do fish "leap"? The word that I visualized was "poured"] in to the sea. “Good bye, Detective Forester.” A shudder passed through his body then he [was gone;<--[Stronger verb. "Became"...] a mass of fish[,] erupting like a fountain from his collapsing clothes.
There is a solid hook.
The main problem is the withholding of his face--which he seems to be able to change, so seems senseless. All my other problems are admittedly nits, but I've come to expect a little stronger prose from you.
I would definitely read on from the hook, though.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited April 24, 2008).]
posted
Very nicely done. The prose is nice, the intro moves right along and this is an imaginative opening. The comparison to Christ as well as the fish is pointing to something and I would read on based on this alone.
I had only one nit: "His face still deep in shadow..." My mind wandered a bit trying to figure out just where the shadow was coming from. If he is at the end of a jetty what would be around to put his face "...deep in shadow"? If the sun is at his back, the light would be diffuse, but not deeply shadowed. Or is this shadow brought about by something else? I assume this is so but it is not clear.
"I am Sho-Al." I'm a little mystified as to why he would bother to introduce himself only then to tell Forester good bye.
posted
Yeah, I kinda banged this out about ten minutes before posting it--perhaps a little to soon. I just wanted to check the idea really--a guy who can turn into a shoal (geddit?) of fish.
What I quite obviously failed to mention is that it is night-time--whoops! His face is in shadow because the lights around don't illuminate that particular spot.
The idea came to me when I had some fish-fingers for supper tonight (I was cooking!).
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited April 24, 2008).]
posted
He stood at the end of the jetty, his back turned to me. “Put your hands up and turn around slowly,” I shouted, keeping my police issue pistol aimed at his back. don't know about police issue. Establishes narrator is a cop, but would a cop think of his gun as "police issue"? Maybe he has another, non-police issue weapon? Someone reported him as acting suspiciously--then he ran when challenged. too vague He lifted his hands out to his side like Christ on the cross. “Your world--” he said, his voice a deep rasp, “—is more beautiful to me than you could know.” I like this image. Can you work it more subtly? Then he turned around. His face still deep in shadow and he laughed quietly. “I am Sho-Al,” With a single hand he pointed to the water. it would be strange to point with two hands His hand convulsed and changed into a mass of silvery, wriggling fish that leaped in to the sea. wow! cool! “Good bye, Detective Forester.” A shudder passed through his body then he was gone; a mass of fish erupting like a fountain from his collapsing clothes. I'd be happy to read the whole thing. Posts: 195 | Registered: Feb 2008
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I thought this was a really effective and interesting opening. I'd certainly be interested to see where you go with the idea.
Anyway, here's a few nitpicky-type things:
quote:He stood at the end of the jetty, his back turned to me. “Put your hands up and turn around slowly,” I shouted, keeping my police issue pistol (I see why you've used 'police issue' but it seems to make the sentence a bit clunky to me) aimed at his back. Someone (Would 'someone "had" reported...' work better?) reported him as acting suspiciously--then he ran ('...he'd ran...'?) when challenged. He lifted his hands out to his side like Christ on the cross. “Your world--” he said, his voice a deep rasp, “—is more beautiful to me than you could know.” (I think this paragraph is very effective, and his words are extremely intriguing) Then he turned around. His face still deep in shadow and he laughed quietly. “I am Sho-Al,” With a single hand he pointed to the water. His hand convulsed and changed into a mass of silvery, wriggling fish that leaped in to the sea. “Good bye, Detective Forester.” A shudder passed through his body then he was gone; a mass of fish erupting like a fountain from his collapsing clothes. (It's great image, but I think I'd prefer a comma to a semi-colon)
Thanks for posting this, and when you get some more, I'd be delighted to read/crit, if you'd like.
quote:He stood at the end of the jetty, his back turned to me. “Put your hands up and turn around slowly,” I shouted, keeping my police issue pistol aimed at his back. Someone reported him as acting suspiciously--then he ran when challenged.
If you rewrite it with the suspect stopping his run at the end of the jetty, you'd be showing rather than telling. Starting off with the suspect "standing", fails to convey a sense of the dramatic action that just occurred.
Rather than interrupt the rising action by explaining the why of the chase, you can return to it after the climactic scene concludes, e.g., when he's filing his report or explaining to his partner why he was chasing the suspect.
posted
I felt a little confused as to why the policeman was there, and it's hard to say why. You *said* there was a suspicious person report, and the suspect ran. But I think I know what it is. I want to know narrator's emotional response to the suspect, as the story begins. Compassion? Oh, Lord, I was just about to get off work, and here's another loony? God, I hope he's not on PCP and about to attack me? That's what I'm missing.
But it's still great, and I would still read if you had a story yet.
posted
It's a great opening, with strong images of the jetty, the water, the mystery man and the silver fish. I'd certainly read on.
Would MC think of it as a "police issue pistol" ?
Maybe, "...keeping my Police Special aimed at ..."? (Mind, I'm not a cop so what do I know about what they call these things?!)
Someone had reported him?
I didn't like "lifted his hands out to his side" either--"raised his arms"?
"he said, his voice a deep rasp" -> his voice was a deep rasp?
His face was deep in shadow? (Can't have still been in shadow because he wasn't facing us until he turned around. Yeah, I know, picky detail--but this is a scene that needs to be really sharp in its images, already is in many respects.)
"A shudder passed through his body and he was gone" ?
"a mass of fish erupting like a fountain from his collapsing clothes." Great image, nice hook.
I don't much care for the story's title, names of people don't generally draw me in.
posted
Yes this has me hooked. But must agree with some of the others' nits. Still haven't taken the time to figure out UBB so here is a simple rewrite. Hope you don't mind. ## My quarry stood at the end of the jetty, his back to me. Earlier, somebody had reported him as acting suspiciously--when challenged, he had run. My pistol aimed at him, I shouted,“Put your hands up and turn around slowly.” He lifted his arms, Christ-like, out to his sides. His voice a deep rasp, he said,“Your world-- it is more beautiful to me than you could know.” Then he turned around. His face was deep in shadow and he laughed quietly. “I am Sho-Al,” he said and held a hand over the water. The hand convulsed, then became a mass of silvery, wriggling fish that poured from his empty sleeve into the sea. “Good-bye, Detective Forester.” A shudder passed through his body then he was gone, fish erupted like a fountain from his collapsing clothes. ##
I like mrmccoy's idea of starting this earlier, but that might lop some of the hook off your 13. I didn't know exactly how to fix the awkward bit about suspicious behavior and the reportage of it, so I left it in.
Some questions: Does the detective know Sho-Al or is it a surprise that his name is used? (You have not characterized your MC at all) How long is this piece looking to be? Will you finish it? Do you want readers?
posted
This was another version. It isn't a revision as I wrote few versions and posted the other one first.
He stopped running at the end of the jetty and just stood there, staring out to sea at the sunset. There was nowhere else to run to. “Police. Put your hands up...and turn around...slowly,” I shouted, in between gasps for breath. I kept my pistol aimed squarely at the man's back. He raised his arms, Christ-like, to shoulder height and slowly turned. The setting sun flashed over his shoulder and I squinted; lifting my hand to shield my eyes, I glimpsed a horrifically scarred face. “Your world--” he said, his voice deep and rasping, “—is more beautiful to me than you could know.” He pointed his hand at the sea while looking heavenward. “I am Legion." He shuddered and then fragmented into a mass of silvery, wriggling fish that splashed into the sea.
Regarding volunteer readers...sorry it is not written yet. When it is will repost it.
quote: He [Who?] stopped running at the end of the jetty and [just stood there,<--[What else would he do? Cut this.] star[ed] out [to sea at the sunset<--[Sounds forced. Maybe:over dusk-lit waves] . There was nowhere else to run [to<--[Cut.]. “Police. Put your hands up...and turn around...slowly,” I shouted, [in<--Cut.] between gasps [for breath<--Cut.]. I kept my pistol [aimed squarely at<--Stronger verb needed, maybe: trained on] the man's back. He raised his arms, [Christ-like, to shoulder height<--[I like the "Christ on the cross" better. Didn't need more description of his arms.] and slowly turned. The setting sun flashed over his shoulder and [I squinted; lifting my hand to shield my eyes,<--Choose one-->I glimpsed a horrifically scarred face]. “Your world--” he said, his voice deep and rasping, “—is more beautiful to me than you could know.” He pointed his hand at the sea while looking heavenward. “I am Legion." He shuddered and then fragmented into a mass of silvery, wriggling fish that splashed into the sea.
Interesting turn of events. My main problem with this is: Why would Legion--if you are refering to the demons that Christ cast into the pig--mention "your world" as if he's an alien, not myriad demons?
However, if cleaned up, you now have two hooks into me.
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