It was a strange court this queen kept--the prize-seeker who walked into it was thinking so.

I am sure there will be plenty of people with critique fr this fragment, and I welcome it, but primarily would like readers for the whole (and the opening according to the rest of the story's feel). It is 4000 words, a fairy-tale style of story, though completely original. (As much as any story is.)

Let me know if you're interested! If you hate the voice of the opening, you probably won't like the rest either, fyi.

[This message has been edited by ArachneWeave (edited April 28, 2008).]

quote:

---

--because a woman could not marry, if her face was always that of a regal, beautiful, but old woman, nor bear heirs. Not that face when it wasn't even hers.

---

This set of phrases threw me. I couldn't tell what the "not that face" sentence meant. I think it's emphasizing not THAT face...but because of the flow of the sentence and word choice, the word "that" doesn't have the emphasis I think you are aiming for. Not that I have any better way of saying it, but wanted to point out where I tripped. The earlier part also seems unnecessarily confusing. I think it could be simplified by being broken into another sentence or two. I think you're aiming for a specific kind of stream-of-consciousness voice, which carries through well, but this phrase (starting "--because ...") is tricky to get through.

Also, again I think it's a style point, but wasn't sure if you were aware you capitalized the first word of the third line, when the other two lines (none of which are their own sentence but together compose a sentence) weren't.

quote:

---

I couldn't tell what the "not that face" sentence meant. I think it's emphasizing not THAT face...but because of the flow of the sentence and word choice, the word "that" doesn't have the emphasis I think you are aiming for.

---

Ah, yeah, that's a typo. I fixed it in my copy, I didn't think to check if it was over here, too. Thanks!

[Edited after I fixed the problem...]

The opening two lines are italicized in my document--obviously that didn't copy over, I've put underscores to kind of set it apart. So that was intentional.

I have to say, "fairy tales" as meaning only stories for children is rather narrow, or simplistic. I may be using it as a classification in a way no one else does, but I thought that it could mean a short story in the form of classic fairy tales rather than other types of sub-genres.

Do you want to look at it? Or just admire the premise? (I am rather fond of it...) Either way is fine. ^_^

Regardless, I'm bothered by awkward phrasing:

quote:

---

It is not that she wore none, but it was not hers

---

quote:

---

This was not a curse, but it was a spell

---

I'm confused about who chooses the succeeding queens: does "Each" refer to "her country" or to the face or the queen before? Also, you can make that dashed sentence (about the woman marrying and bearing heirs) two separate sentences. It's long and the readers will see the connection.

Also, the "because a woman could not marry, if her face was always that of a regal, beautiful, but old woman, nor bear heirs" part is very difficult to read. Awkward splitting of the verb phrases.

quote:

---

I don't know if this is stylistic, but I'd prefer "This was not a curse, but a spell." Also, a spell is neither good nor bad. Are you trying to suggest that it was good? Like a charm, perhaps?

---

Thanks for point out these awkward spots--I tend to garble structure of sentences a lot for reasons I'm not sure of except that I like older poetry a little too much. In the above case it was intentional: it's a spell, though it's not a *curse* spell, is what that is intended to mean. Certainly I'm going to try and put all those things together more smoothly, though.