Heres another "rusty" story. It has a little bit of ickyness but nothing too bad. Would love some volunteers to read it all, or comments on this fragment bearing in mind I like to talk through things.

Its meant to feel a little weird, and the protaganist is meant to be rather strange.

Peter walked up to the tall, worn out tenement building. It was brick, with large windows, several of which were broken. All of them were dirty, and some looked into empty rooms with cracked yellowing walls and floors littered with debris. There were large rusty culvert drains full of trash around the base of the building. Peter often looked at the drains and wondered what might be down there in the metal, dirt and concrete bowels of the building. Of course, Peter thought a lot of strange things some times.
Peter noticed there were police cars outside the building,
But that wasn’t unusual between drug busts, assaults and robberies, all of which were common here.
He walked into the building, and began climbing the rickety stairs.

quote:

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Peter walked up to the tall, worn out tenement building. It was brick,## comma not needed ## with large windows, several of which were broken. All of them were dirty, and some looked into empty rooms with cracked yellowing walls and floors littered with debris. There were large rusty culvert drains full of trash around the base of the building. Peter often looked at the drains and wondered what might be down there in the metal, dirt## American English usually requires a comma after 'dirt'. British English usually doesn't. What's your target market? ## and concrete bowels of the building. Of course, Peter thought a lot of strange things some times.
Peter noticed there were police cars outside the building,
But that wasn’t unusual between drug busts, assaults## See above comment on 'dirt' ## and robberies, all of which were common here.
He walked into the building,## comma not needed before dependent clause ## and began climbing the rickety stairs.

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I think some of the prose could be smoothed out some.

"But that wasn’t unusual between drug busts, assaults and robberies, all of which were common here"

this could be more concise. "All of which were common is retetition. it could be cut altogether. The voice of the POV could be stronger here also. His take on it. But this wasn't the everyday drug bust or beatdown. something to give him characterization.

quote:

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It got me. It was subtle, but interesting. I like the descriptions of the building. This scene setting and the fact that the MC noticed the bust, but didn't get too flustered or excited seemed compelling to me. I would read on to see what this guy is about.

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Ahh ha...you got it then. In these types of my stories, the setting, its look and feel, is as important as the characters...is almost a character in itself. And the "living" characters are generally a bit apathetic, enured to their enviroment etc.

Those factors, in themselves, are meant to be the hook in this type of story. But of course, it doesnt interest everyone.

One editor who rejected this told me she liked the style, but that she percieved no real conflict for the MC. She said she realized it might be intentional, and didn't say it was a bad thing...just that it didnt work for her. So I want to see what others think...if it works or not.

Later on, theres extensive characterization and introspection with Peter, which is also linked to the weird thing thats going on in the story.

Peter walked up to the tall brick tenement building. The large windows were dirty, but through the broken ones, he could see empty rooms with cracked yellowing walls and floors littered with debris. Peter looked at the large rusty culvert drains full of trash and wondered what might be down there in the metal, dirt and concrete bowels of the building.

As BentTree mentioned or percieved, the fact that Peter doesnt really take much note of the police presence, his interest in the drains and the mention of his strange thoughts are meant to be the first little bits of characterization, and to get people interested. Any additional suggestions are apreciated.