posted May 02, 2008 01:54 PM Click Here to See the Profile for Merlion-Emrys Click Here to Email Merlion-Emrys Edit/Delete Message An odd little fantasy story inspired by many things. An editor told me it reminded her of Jack Vance, which is funny cause I've never read Jack Vance.Anyway the usual..I'd like some full-reads but will take comments on the begining as well, especially if you dont mind talking about it. The whole thing is about 5k.
Your first two sentences are written in a passive structure - I suggest you make them more active. I would avoid words such as "had", "of the", and "come", and suggest you use more active verbs. Active verbs are an opportunity for description, without bogging the reader down. For instance you could write:
"After months climbing the steepest mountains, traversing across the wide desert plains, and crossing two seas, Lightmaster Aronos and Zorthas the Dimensionist finally stood before the Ruins of Vorestos, legendary gateway to The City of the Night."
Tall crumbling pillars and enruned plinths of stone stood all about them beneath the darkened sky, some bearing markings that even the two mages could not decipher.
This paragraph could be reworded to be more active as follows:
They strained to read the runed stone plinths encircling them beneath the darkened sky, but could only manage to decipher a few.
Okay, that was terrible, but I hope you get the idea.
The idea I want to convey to you is to use active structures and active verbs in your writing, because that will suck the reader in and you will be showing and not telling. (This is a goal I constantly strive towards.)
I think the idea behind these 13 lines is great, you just need to show it to me more to hook me in.
“Well it’s been a long trek old friend, but we finally made it,” Zorthas said, his iridescent eyes alight with excitement.
“Yes, I had my doubts along the way, but we found it at last,” Aronos replied. His shining white and gold garments stood stark against the darkness of the night. “We are most likely the first people to set foot here in millennia.”