[This message has been edited by arriki (edited May 07, 2008).]

"From the orbiter they could see the lunar surface below pockmarked with factories and flat-roofed communes" - feels like it needs some punctuation.

"Chinese language signs pointed in various directions, readable only to those tourists who had cared enough to learn the language before coming to the People’s Lunar Republic."
I like the idea of this sentence, but I feel that it needs reworking. It reads awkwardly.
Perhaps you should think of replacing "Chinese language signs" with something like "Mandarin", "Chinese characters" or something to that effect.
Also, "legible" or "deciphered by" might also be an alternative option.
Learning Mandarin is very hard (trust me on that one). I can't imagine tourists going on a language course, just for a holiday trip to a Chinese destination. But I can imagine tourists buying phrase books or tourist guides, and going through them.

quote:

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“Luna City Dome[.][?question mark] You'd think they’d have more imagination than that[?][Period]” Says who?
“Poetry isn’t a prerequisite for Lunar colonists. Never was. Besides, the dome’s just for show. Come on. Pick up your computer and let’s go. We have customs to clear and I’m starving.”
John and Sara Ashworth joined the flow of passengers exiting the Sol System Star liner. From the orbiter they could see the lunar surface below pockmarked with factories and flat-roofed communes. Above them, as they edged through the corridor toward customs, Chinese language signs[signs with chinese symbols/or/characters] pointed in various directions, readable only to those tourists who had cared enough to learn the language before coming to the People’s Lunar Republic.
“It’s a shame we Americans didn’t colonize the moon,” John said. “You know, they even took all the lunar landers from back in the 1900’s and melted them down for scrap.”

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Having a general understanding of the competition, I would say that you are off to a good start.

The main thing that took me out of the story was the description of the chines language. I made note of the fact that characters or symbols be a term that you might consider. If I am not mistake, I also think it is possible to speak the language while being unable to read characters. Though my knowledge on the subject is not that deep.

- Question mark at end of first line didn't work for me. I don't know the characters well enough yet to know why one would be saying that line in a question.
- I suggest using dialogue tags. While it might be somewhat unnecessary to know who is starving and who thinks the name Lunar City Dome lacks imagination, it's the beginning of the story and I don't know if I need to know, so not knowing is disorienting.
- I didn't quite get the geography of where the characters are. In an orbiting spacecraft above the lunar surface? I couldn't quite put my head around this idea with clearing customs ABOVE the moon (cool concept, by the way. Customs. On the moon. Awesome. LOL) Is there a way you can clarify where the main characters are without having to douse the reader in detailed position information? I think this is close, but it just didn't jive with what I would expect.
- You could get around the Chinese-language (which if you were to stay with the wording as-is, I think a hyphen is called for. Ask someone who knows more about grammar than me, but I think that's how it's done) thing by saying "Signs in Chinese directed people through the corridors."
- That last line looks just a teensy bit as-you-know-bobish. I think there's a way to throw it in without it seeming like the writer is telling us something that we need to know. "I couldn't believe it when I heard the reports a dozen years ago that they were melting down all the landers from those missions in the 1900s!" Terrible example, but one idea.
- Only other thing is that, depending on the length of the story, it'd be nice to have more of a hint of what's going on/why John and Sara are there/what the conflict is going to be here or in the next few lines.

What the others said, and ...

At first I thought we were approaching Luna City Dome. Then, when I realised they were on a lunar orbiter, I had to re-read the first few sentences to get it straight in my mind where they were. (And, is a star liner an interstellar ship? If not, maybe drop the 'star' designation. We can be very literal-minded, us SF readers.)

Instead of showing us the Chinese signs, why not have Sara translate them for John and tease him about not learning to read Chinese? Or have them both wonder what they mean and moan about not learning to read them?

I'd like dialogue tags for the opening dialogue, and wouldn't he or she travel with more than a computer for luggage?

Like KayTi I felt the last line of dialogue was rather 'as you know, Bob'. Perhaps he could say he's glad the Chinese let the Americans build an Embassy or something--something he'd naturally say that communicates anxiety about the place being run by the Chinese. Or, maybe feed it in later and leave it that, it this point in the story, they're entering Chinese territory.

In fact, it might be an idea to concentrate more on how John and Sara feel. As it is, they seem mildly miffed that the Americans didn't colonise it first, and from the opening dialogue, somewhat condescending. They're there for a reason--are they anxious? Confident? Clandestine?--worried about Customs?

Finally, how many lunar landers did or does NASA have? I thought there were only one or two, and they were in museums. It seems unlikely to me they'd be melted down for scrap--if I'm wrong I apologise, but I suspect such details need to be historically accurate or at least justifiable for the Luna comp. (Besides, lunar landers from the 1900s would surely be of little help in a colonisation effort.)

Hope this helps,
Pat

If you Google 'lunar lander' you get a bunch of games about landing a lunar lander on the moon.

From John's comment I assumed he meant, "It's a shame we Americans didn't colonise the moon--heck, we can't even land on it because we melted down our landers."

You could regard the things left on the moon as lunar landers I suppose:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lunar_Lander

But how they could be relevant to the American failure to colonise the moon isn't clear to me: I imagine they're just useless hulks.

Sorry not to be more helpful,
Pat