posted
I'd like to delete this post. I've gotten great feedback. Need to let it all simmer for a bit.
Ok, here's my first post. It's making me a little nervous.
This is a short story that is sort of a prequel to my novel-on-the-back-burner. My concern is that I know the people and world so well, I might not have let the reader in on enough.
So - I'd like critiques on the first 13 and any volunteers to read the whole thing.
Thanks.
As he walked away, he wondered if they would ever understand. The people who had raised him, who loved him, loved this place, too. But for him, it was not enough. Haven was a safe place. It was the center for the Master Healers of Altair. They did their research and cared for their patients there. For young Arion, it had no future. He knew he should stay. They had made a place for him, where he felt normal. But he needed to know what else was out there. He needed to know how he fit into the gears of the galaxy. He’d been to the city before, but not alone. As he walked the streets, pretending to have a destination, he felt strangers’ eyes on him. He wasn’t normal. At a glance, he could pass for a Standard Human.
[This message has been edited by Gardener (edited May 26, 2008).]
posted
As he walked away,(Who walked away from where) he wondered if they(again, who?) would ever understand. The people who had raised him,(Oh that's who) who loved him,(Who loves this place?) loved this place, too. But for him, it(What is 'it'? the love?) was not enough. Haven was a safe place. It was the center for the Master Healers of Altair. They did their research and cared for their patients there. For young Arion(is this 'he'?), it had no future. He knew he should stay. They had made a place for him, where he felt normal. But he needed to know what else was out there. He needed to know how he fit into the gears of the galaxy. He’d been to the city before, but not(how about never?) alone. As he walked the streets, pretending to have a destination, he felt strangers’ eyes on him. He wasn’t normal. At a glance, he could pass for a Standard Human.
This beginning has promise but the POV is too distant. The reader is left with questions whose answers are not connected to them clearly. I would suggest maybe having your MC up front and center right off the bat. Just shift the sentences around to introduce him earlier. Like this but better:
Arion walked the streets of the city relishing the thrill of strangers' eyes on him. At a glance, he could pass for a Standard Human. He wondered ...
Another question that arises for me is: is Haven the city?
[This message has been edited by Cheyne (edited May 15, 2008).]
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I agree with most of the previous critiques, but I rather liked the description of where your main character started from--the only thing is, we need to see some sort of interaction or something that lets us know WHY the main character is leaving. Besides the place holding no future for him. Why doesn't it? Can't he ascend the ranks or do any meaningful work there? Does he not like being confined to any place? And why exactly is this person different? I'm willing to wait a little bit for answers to that particular question, but not much.
But the premise is a good one. I'd like to see more.
posted
Cheyne, I am impressed (once again) by your clarity. I agree completely with that crit.
"He’d been to the city before, but not alone. As he walked the streets, pretending to have a destination, he felt strangers’ eyes on him. He wasn’t normal. At a glance, he could pass for a Standard Human"
This is an interesting hook, knowing that it is abnormal to not be Standard Human. If you start where Cheyne suggested, you can play that up -- how out of the ordinary is he? Will it effect his social standing here? That's what I'm wondering...
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited May 16, 2008).]
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Thanks for the input. I appreciate all the first impressions.
Jo1day - a stupid question - when you said you'd read more, does that mean you'd "turn the page" or were you offering to read it all?
MrsBrown, was that a rhetorical question? I wasn't sure if I was supposed to answer. He is extremely out of the ordinary, which is explained, and he's not just leaving home, he's literally leaving a haven.
[This message has been edited by Gardener (edited May 16, 2008).]
quote:MrsBrown, was that a rhetorical question? I wasn't sure if I was supposed to answer. He is extremely out of the ordinary, which is explained, and he's not just leaving home, he's literally leaving a haven.
No, don't answer me--put it in your revision. Right now I have no idea why he is out of the ordinary (away from Haven, of course, where he fits right in). Are the differences only physical, and if he looks like everyone else, how will that matter? Will the differences make him not fit in, away from Haven? These are the questions that I hope will be answered soon in your written work. But perhaps not necessarily in the first 13. (Heck, maybe I should offer to read it -- sorry, no time.)
posted
Gardener: not a stupid question at all. I might have time to read your entire story later, but for the moment I have enough stories on my plate. I'll let you know if/when I get time free
posted
Send it along, I'd like to read more. The premise of an outsider kid who's been raised in a safe place but longs to see the world, is, hm, easy to relate to. :P
As he walked awayfrom what? his family's house? the last building at the edge of town?, he wondered if they would ever understand. The people who had raised him, who loved him, loved this place, too.awkward - after "who had raised" and "who loved", I was thrown off by there not being a "who" in front of "loved this pace" But for himhere's where I'd first use Arion's name, it was not enough. Haven was a safe place. It was the center for the Master Healers of Altair. They did their research and cared for their patients there. For young Arion, it had no future. He knew he should stay. They had made a place for him, where he felt normal. But he needed to know what else was out there. He needed to know how he fit into the gears of the galaxy. He’d been to the city before, but not alone. As he walked the streets, pretending to have a destination, he felt strangers’ eyes on him. He wasn’t normal. At a glance, he could pass for a Standard Human. I don't really like the term "Standard Human" - feels too formal and generic. Not clear what non-standard entails, though presumably that info comes next.
[This message has been edited by Pyraxis (edited May 20, 2008).]
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me likey.... but I'd echo the statements about the standard human gig... sounds too..... uninteresting above all else.
Posts: 52 | Registered: May 2008
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quote:As he walked away, he wondered if they would ever understand.
Watch the pronouns and needless words. Being concise will ensure this valuable real estate is effective.
walking away, he wondered... or Will they ever understand?He((Now ould be the time to introduce the name)) walked away from Haven.
Otherwise, I really like the premise, but I feel that two things could use improvement here.
1) Deeper POV. This could be an incredible story if we, the readers, are able to connect and feel the motives of this character.
example: Will they ever understand? Haven was Bob's home. How could he say goodbye to those who raised him?
2) Background summary. Too much information dropped. Weave it into the story. It will come naturally. The info you give can be given to us as he sees and feels it. Even subtle things can convey big messages, because this MC seems easy to relate to.
example:
He longed to learn the ways of the Master Healers of Astar.If I only stay but his course was set. No turning back now.
I hope this helps. I really like the premise here, and I feel that you have the beginings of something with alot of potential. Best of luck
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited May 20, 2008).]
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Others have done a good job commenting on the content. But what jumped out at me was the sentence structure. The sentences are all short and of the same length. And even the longer sentences are broken up into clauses that are the same length as the short sentences. As a result, it feels choppy. As you read it, pause for a second everytime you see a comma or period. See what I mean? Try varying your sentence lenghth and structure to make it more fluid.
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