A third variant -- time's getting close to send it off to the contest -- is down below. Not a lot of change, just touches, but see if it's better.

#1

It was the insurance company, Olympus Mons Insurance out of Marsport, who demanded Aran Jones’s presence on the Outcaster as captain. The exploration company they were insuring had lost one ship already and narrowly missed losing another two after that. Aran, an experienced captain and, more importantly, a non-Mars Born one, was to see that the Outcaster returned safely and on time. Aran was well aware of the fact that there would be another less overt, religious, chain of authority aboard the ship. At the insurance company’s insistence, Sol System Explorations was paying Aran well to ignore that fact and to get the Outcaster out and back safely from its explorations as specified in its mission charter.
Nothing untoward happened until they reached the fourth star system. Three days out from an f-type star, #7-3428 in the

#2

The insurance company, Olympus Mons Insurance out of Marsport, refused to underwrite the expedition. The exploration company they were to insure had lost one ship already and narrowly missed losing another two after that. Lawsuits ensued the gist of which was: discrimination on religious grounds, always an explosive subject on post-war Mars. In the end Olympus Mons recanted. In exchange, Sol Systems Explorations hired Aran Jones, an experienced captain and, more importantly, a non-Mars Born one to take charge of their ship, Outcaster.
Sol System Explorations was paying Aran well to ignore the fact that there would be another less overt, religious chain of authority aboard the ship. Aran’s job was to get the Outcaster out and back safely from its explorations as specified in its mission charter.

[This message has been edited by arriki (edited May 16, 2008).]

e.g.

The High-priest turned to Aran and raised an eyebrow.
"I am aware, Captain," the priest said, "that you have your responsibilities, yet God is the ultimate captain, don't you agree?"
Aran looked down at the floor. He couldn't have this man openly defying him.
"Sir, the last ship that entered this quadrant of space never returned." Aran lifted his chin defiantly. "That is why the S.S.E gave me Captaincy, not you." He fixed his eyes on the priest's. "You will do as I order or you will be thrown in the brig."

For example, and not to be taken too seriously:

Aran Jones strode onto the Bridge of the Outcaster, assumed the Captain's seat and briefly admired the view of the planet below--a broad curved horizon of reds and browns swirling against the black, blackness of space. "Mister Mason, set a course for Sirius A if you please. We shall depart at eleven hundred hours."

"Yessir," said Mason.

"Sir?"

Aran turned to his First Officer, Priestly, and raised an eyebrow.

"Sir," said Priestly, "Chapel's due at eleven hundred. You were going to join our Departure Service. Shall we put this down as an oversight and three Prayers of Penance?"

"If we miss the launch window there will be more than Prayers of Penance to pay," said Aran. "Postpone the Service until we're under way, say until twelve hundred. Can the good Bishop grant us this wish, pray?"

Aran watched as Priestly keyed a message to the Bishop, and wondered what else he might be texting...

Hmmm...maybe I should go through my Heinlein short stories. See how HE opened his stories since this is for a Heinlein centennial contest.

It was the insurance company, Olympus Mons Insurance out of Marsport, who demanded Aran Jones’s presence onboard the Outcaster. The exploration company Olympus Mons was insuring had lost one ship already and narrowly missed losing another. Aran, an experienced captain and, more importantly, a non-Mars Born one, was to see that the Outcaster fulfilled its mission charter safely and returned. Aran was well aware of the fact that there would be another less overt, religious, chain of authority aboard the ship. Sol System Explorations Ltd., the ship’s owner, was paying him well to ignore that fact.
“You’re not prejudiced, are you?” the Sol System official asked.
“The war’s been over for fifty years. Most of the crew on the Outcaster weren’t even born when their parents were shooting at me and my buddies,” Aran said. “I can handle letting them

I've been wondering if I should change the ship's name from the Outcaster to the Helium Reef. I've fallen in love with the latter name for an interstellar class ship.

Maybe the company has only lost one ship already. I cut it back to one narrow miss, too. Too many details only confuse the reader. Would an insurance company get this upset over one loss, enough to force an action? Well, it IS a martian (ooh! bad word in this setting) company. I can jolly well design them to do what I want...within reason. Still...????

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This is where we obsess about 13 lines--that's the point.
The point is to engage an editor before he moves onto the next story in the slush pile. The general consensus is not to start with a summary and I doubt you will find a short story in a pro mag that starts with one.

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Maybe. I think the point is to write stories. Not just first 13s. Spending days and weeks writing and re rewriting the first 13 lines isnt going to get anybody published. And its not going to get the story finished, and whatever it was meant to do done.

We come here for feedback on our writting. The first 13 thing is, as far as I'm concerned, just a necessary inconvienience. I mainly look for full-reads, because the story is the point, not just the begining.

Here an opinion was asked for, for which people gave--if you don't want opinions you shouldn't ask for them.

Getting published--and I have been--is getting a number of factors right, but a good first 13 is definitely one of them.

Rather than hijacking this thread, which is meant to be about the 13 lines at the top, if you wish to discuss the merits of the 13 lines discussions post it as a topic under general topics--many people have done so before.

If it takes you days and weeks to re-write the first 13 following some criticism then I agree--don't post it! I normally post, look for opinions (which I may or may not agree with), spend an hour re-jigging/re-writing it, and repost. It's no big deal. However posting stuff for crits is a bad idea if you find it difficult to take criticism.

Arriki

Start your story the way you wish to--it's your privilege. I wouldn't start with a summary as I think it would hinder it's chances of getting published, which is the point as far as I am concerned.

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Start your story the way you wish to--it's your privilege. I wouldn't start with a summary as I think it would hinder it's chances of getting published, which is the point as far as I am concerned.

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Is a story that never gets published pointless?

I wasn't intending to hijack...I was giving my opinion. Arriki has posted on this story more than once before, and was expressing some distress about not knowing how to start it. My opinion is maybe he/she has (probably partially from here) become a little too worried about the first 13 and just needs to move on with writing the story. The best "hook" in the world is pretty useless if thats all you have, and obsessing about the first 13 to the point of paralysis doesnt get one published.

And I think some times the over-fixation on that here can lead to those sort of problems, which is why I brought it up.

I can't decide. I like this newest one. Beginning with setting/situation does sell. I've been looking over stuff in my library and find a significant percentage of such openings.

But I consider the input I receive here.
The last few days before I wrap baby up in a manila envelope and send it off into the cold, cruel world, are anxious ones. Hence, bringing it up here again.

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I have done work on the interior in the meantime and am now at the point of sending it off. I'm returning to the first 13. Not just hung up there without a story to go after it.

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Good :-)

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I can't decide. I like this newest one. Beginning with setting/situation does sell. I've been looking over stuff in my library and find a significant percentage of such openings.

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I agree. I think another not-always-accurate fixation many Hatrackers have is that stories have to be all character character character and action action action to be publishable. This is not at all the case.

Like I said...I think the last opening you had the last time you posted about this was quite good.

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The last few days before I wrap baby up in a manila envelope and send it off into the cold, cruel world, are anxious ones. Hence, bringing it up here again.

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I'd esub it somewhere personally. Cheaper and easier. But thats just me.

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Arriki has posted on this story more than once before, and was expressing some distress about not knowing how to start it. My opinion is maybe he/she has (probably partially from here) become a little too worried about the first 13 and just needs to move on with writing the story. The best "hook" in the world is pretty useless if thats all you have, and obsessing about the first 13 to the point of paralysis doesnt get one published.

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I agree, you should write the whole story and not obsess about the first 13--if obsessing it becomes--and you never write an actual story.

Personally I post the first 13 before I write a story, and often after, by which time it has often changed. Don't know why I do the before bit, probably helps me get the tone right, check the idea out etc.

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Would an insurance company get this upset over one loss, enough to force an action?

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I would think an insurance company would have something to say if they had to shell out trillions (probably more) for an INTERSTELLAR SPACESHIP. In all likelihood they wouldn't insure the same mission again. Lloyds Maritime (one of the oldest and largest)in London underwrites shipping vessels and this is done by groups (often of individuals) who essential stump up the cash for the cover, if the ship survives they divide the premium, if it fails they lose their money. Many have had their fingers bitten by this.

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited May 18, 2008).]