This is my first post ever, so kill me softly. I'm really just looking to see if my lines gather interest, is presented well, and makes sense. If for some reason the literary entertainment has disappeared, I have more that you are welcomed to give feedback on. also- Let me know if I did any no-no's in my first posting.
Despite the thunderous pounding of a dozen hooves through the cliffs' edge trail behind him, Caswein could only hear the numbing explosions of heart beats swelling into his ears. "They are too heavy to be Uchelwr's", he thought in chaotic silence. Every time he inhaled, he tasted the chalk-dry lining of his mouth. "They have to be Marchog's….. But why would they know this path?". He knew the answer. "Bradwriaeth". Treason. At age 15, he was the fourth archer to his lord, Lord Rhys. Fourth only by service- not by skill. His father was Chytwyrd, the leading Uchelwr in his Lord's teulu, or personal guard.
You got a good start here, as a whole I like your interweaving of backstory and character development within your first 13.
However..
quote:Despite the thunderous pounding of a dozen hooves through the cliffs' edge trail behind him, Caswein could only hear the numbing explosions of heart beats swelling into his ears.
Is one doozy of an opening sentence. Lots of descriptives make it, in my opinon, a bit long.
Also if he is hearing a dozen of hooves, that would be 4x3=12, three horses correct? Or are these folks multi footed, or some sort of centaur? (I want to place my money on centaurs,)
Finally, I don't know who your closing sentence
quote:At age 15, he was the fourth archer to his lord, Lord Rhys. Fourth only by service- not by skill. His father was Chytwyrd, the leading Uchelwr in his Lord's teulu, or personal guard.
refers to. Is is Caswein or Bradwriaeth?
Nice intriguing beginning though. Good start.
[This message has been edited by mommiller (edited May 20, 2008).]
quote:Despite the thunderous pounding of a dozen hooves through the cliffs' edge trail behind him, Caswein could only hear the numbing explosions of heart beats swelling into his ears.
I agree this probably needs a wee bit of...toning down.
Perhaps something like: The thunderous explosion's of Caswein's heartbeat defeaned him to the sound of many hoofbeats on the trail behind him.
Or
Caswein barely registered the thunder of many hoofbeats on the trail behind him. The explosive beating of his heart drowned out all else.
I'd shorten it and/or break it into multiple sentenceses (that was deliberate misspelling.)
quote:"They are too heavy to be Uchelwr's", he thought in chaotic silence.
Render thoughts as italics rather than "'s. Do so via at the begining and at the end.
Also, here you speak of Uchwelr's as if its a personal name, but later, as a title.
quote:He knew the answer. "Bradwriaeth". Treason.
We don't know who that is or why it leads to the conclusion of treason, however. Its not something that we know. And that might be ok...but I'd think carefully about it. You might want to rearrange things so we get more information, or simply move this down and closer to its explanation, depending.
quote:At age 15, he was the fourth archer to his lord, Lord Rhys. Fourth only by service- not by skill. His father was Chytwyrd, the leading Uchelwr in his Lord's teulu, or personal guard.
A bit info dumpy...which isn't the end of the world. Also, the bit about by service, not by skill is rather somewhat a bit unclear.
Might I suggest:
Fifteen-year-old Caswein served as his lord's fourth archer. Not by skill, however; by dint of his faithful service. His father, Chytwyrd was the lead Whatever(again that problem with this word you use...is it a name or a title) in the Lord's teulu-his personal guard.
Is this completed? If it is, and it isnt too long, I will read it all for you, although it may take me a few days.
[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited May 20, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Merlion-Emrys (edited May 20, 2008).]
posted
Ahh me...its right there in the title line. Yea, send it to me and I'll get to it in the next few days.
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posted
I like it. I was intrigued by this fraction and would like to read more. The only problems were names. They were very Scandinavian-like and since my native language uses quite different set of voices, I had some difficulty.
All in all, great work for a beginner. Do write more.
posted
Since there have been some pretty detailed comments so far, I will offer my overall take of this piece.
The prose is a little too poetic for my taste. I feel that short concise thoughts are more effective. You have a great grasp of adjectives, so shortening and clearing the lines will really make them shine.
posted
The first sentence mentions hoofbeats and heartbeats. The next two sentences have the character speculating on the sounds he hears. But since you say
quote:Caswein could only hear the numbing explosions of heart beats
it's not clear whether he speculating who's hoofbeats he hears, or who's heartbeats he hears.
Also, the names are hard to read. I'm sure they're fine if you hear them spoken, but just something about seeing too few or two many vowels makes me stumble.
posted
Kill you softly, eh? Okay, I won't make a sound...
My head's spinning a bit here. You've thrown out a bunch of names and a tense possibility--treason--but I don't think you've made me care. Treason for what? There's not enough context for me to appreciate the strength of this event. The names at this point, are just that--names. And complicated ones at that--I tripped over nearly all of them (Welsh?)
Also, is he listening for centaurs? How else could he be sure the hoofbeats are too heavy to be one person's or another's? Though one man might be heavier, how does can he compensate for the weight of the horse?
quote: Despite the thunderous pounding of a dozen hooves through the cliffs' edge trail behind him, Caswein could only hear the numbing explosions of heart beats swelling into his ears. "They What? The heart beats? That's the closest noun that would make sense, but I'm pretty sure you don't mean this. are too heavy to be Uchelwr's", he thought in chaotic silence You've already told us there's noise--explosive and thunderous noise at that. How can it be silent? Also, if it's chaotic, better to show us. Every time he inhaled, he tasted the chalk-dry lining of his mouth chalk-lined? Otherwise, dryness isn't a quality you can taste. "They have to be Marchog's….. But why would they know this path?". He knew the answer. "Bradwriaeth". Treason. At age 15, he was the fourth archer to his lord, Lord Rhys. Wow, treason is a huge bomb to drop. And then you switch gears immediately to this info dumpy paragraph. At this point, I really don't care who his father is, or why he's gotten rank, or even who the teulu are. Fourth only by service- not by skill. His father was Chytwyrd, the leading Uchelwr in his Lord's teulu, or personal guard.
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited May 24, 2008).]
posted
I agree with most of the line-by-line comments above. If it weren't for all the Welsh names, I'd be hooked. Instead of "Uchelwr" and "Marchog", could you say "the guard captain", "the lord's uncle", or whoever they happen to be? I especially don't know what Uchelwr means. Is it somebody's name, or a general title for warriors, or something else?
I don't need to know his father's name or position this soon, but I do want to know the significance of Bradwriaeth and treason. I like the way you put "Treason" on its own line, for the dramatic tension it creates. My mind's spinning with all kinds of possibilities—are the guards rebelling against his father and going to sweep up this 15-year-old in the fight? He was scared before he knew about the treason—what has he done to be hunted?
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