quote: Taz Barker stood at the centre of the circular proving ground in front of the Royal Enclosure. He shifted from one foot to the other, trying to forget the way the rain-drenched sand clung to his chain-mail boots and concentrate on the equally bedraggled form of the Black Knight, who was trying to beat him to death with the flat of her blade.
A thought was clamouring for his attention. He ignored it.
In spite of the weight of her dark plate-over-chain armour, she moved as if she were dancing. Ignoring his outstretched blade, she made as if to pass him by. At the last second, she span, swinging her sword at his head.
The force of the impact almost knocked the sword from his hand. Whilst he struggled to bring it back up, Megan flicked
Thing is, the action takes place in VR - in a game. The thought the PoV is avoiding is "None of this is real". Forgivable, if I get to it on the next page, or would you hate me forever for messing with your head?
[This message has been edited by Toby Western (edited May 21, 2008).]
posted
Well unlike some here, I like surprises. I dont go in with assumpions and just let a story happen. So I have no problem with it, and this opening seems to flow quite nicely to me.
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quote:or would you hate me forever for messing with your head?
Unless this were italicized or something, I might. I usually like my surprises to be at the ending.
Indicating that this is indeed a part of something artificial is more luring than the actual intro. Not to say that it isn't good, because it is. It is just that the tiniest clue might really entice someone.
quote:A thought was clamouring for his attention. He ignored it.
It seems that this is designed to give impact, but it turned me off a little. It felt like a device.
quote:In spite of the weight of her dark plate-over-chain armour, she moved as if she were dancing. Ignoring his outstretched blade, she made as if to pass him by. At the last second, she span, swinging her sword at his head.
Delightful prose. Great action and imagery. I saw this clearly without being fed adjectives.
quote:Thing is, the action takes place in VR - in a game. The thought the PoV is avoiding is "None of this is real". Forgivable, if I get to it on the next page, or would you hate me forever for messing with your head?
I think if you are going to hve the MC have a thought clamouring for his attention, which by the way drew me out of the story, i would be tempted to just put the thought in. "This can't be real." "This can't be happening." "Its so real."
On the otherhand, if the MC is like me, who has been known to fall over backwards from his chair when some baddie, jumps around the corner of a 3d shooter and screams, then you don't need it at all. Some people get into the game, so much, that they don't notice the time, or the wife yelling, dinner burning--not that, that ever happens to me.
posted
Hm... I think if you make it realistic, i.e. a 21st century or whatever guy playing a VR game with the thoughts/ emotions/ reactions emanating from that, then it could work. I might still get annoyed, though. To me, this trick is only a hair better then the waking up in a strange room trick.
More immediately, I'm put off by this:
A thought was clamouring for his attention. He ignored it.
I pictured a thought jumping up and down in my head. "Ooo! Pick me! Pick me!" The thing is, there's no time in our minds to think about thinking a thought. Thoughts just happen. We try to ignore them. So here, in my mind, you've already broken the link between story and reader. It would annoy me more so if this thought were conveniently something related to the real world.
2. Whilst sounds a little formal for a high-action scene.
3. The mysterious though clamouring for attention is a distraction. Ignoring it is only effective if we as readers can begin to start guessing what that thought is, start working the mystery out ourselves ("hey, didn't a knight in black armor kill Taz's father?"). This early in the story we can't, so we are distracted by it.
4. This takes place in VR. okay. Your POV character knows this, I assume. We should too. You don't have to be blatant about it, but it would be good to throw us a bone or two. Maybe Taz marvels that the holographic sand clings to his feet the same way it would in real life, or the breeze smells wrong, cherry blossoms mixed with a tinny mechanical scent. Not telling us this takes place in VR is withholding. Of course, you could wait one more page, but I'd try to toss a bone out to your readers a little sooner than that. Maybe elucidate the thought, make it an interrupted thought rather than an ignored one.
When I find out this is VR, I might be disappointed just because I was getting into the story as it was. I would have to actually read on to know if I felt messed with. (I think you're taking a risk, but I don't think it is impossible to pull it off).
The unidentified thought clamoring for attention, though, felt like manipulation. Why not tell the readers what this thought is, unless it is a device of some sort?
If you want someone to read this when you're done, send it my way.
quote:Hm... I think if you make it realistic, i.e. a 21st century or whatever guy playing a VR game with the thoughts/ emotions/ reactions emanating from that, then it could work. I might still get annoyed, though. To me, this trick is only a hair better then the waking up in a strange room trick.
I like the waking up in a strange room "trick." It features in one of my favorite movies :-)
And I guess I'm just not a big believer in the idea that the reader needs to know everything the character does...maybe if its in first person, yea. Otherwise...~shrug~. Whatever.
posted
Ok Toby, you're hard to crit for because you’re just an incredibly good writer. This is what I’ve got though.
quote: Taz Barker stood at the centre of the circular proving ground in front of the Royal Enclosure.
Pretty sure you meant center. I would just go with – “Taz Barker stood at the center of the circular proving ground.”
Great, clean, opening line. This gave me a nice clean image of a man in a fighting ring. The rest cluttered the image since I didn’t know what to envision from “in front of the Royal Enclosure.” Weave it in later if you need it.
The next sentence is kind of long, but you knew that.
quote: trying to forget the way the rain-drenched sand clung to his chain-mail boots
Now are you saying that the weight of the sand was distracting? I’m not sure. He certainly wouldn’t be interested in the novelty of the fact. Well regardless, I shouldn’t be mentally debating this with myself.
quote: A thought was clamouring for his attention. He ignored it.
Clamoring, incidentally is the more traditional spelling. (unless you're French. Wink wink)
I think it’s the word; “thought,” that throws this a bit. It lacks the appropriate weight.
quote:In spite of the weight of her dark plate-over-chain armour, she moved as if she were dancing. Ignoring his outstretched blade, she made as if to pass him by. At the last second, she span, swinging her sword at his head. The force of the impact almost knocked the sword from his hand. Whilst he struggled to bring it back up, Megan flicked
Don’t care for Whilst either, but besides that - Awesome.
Now I considered this as real because that’s what your reader will do. I suspect, if you write it from a disconnected, external view (video/no real danger view) it will come out flat. I believe you can pull off the VR thing but you’ll have to fiddle with the flow to make it come out right.
Tracy
[This message has been edited by tnwilz (edited May 23, 2008).]
Here is a link to a similar story, that deals with the same issues of blending VR and RL. I think it might be helpful to see how they dealt with the VR scenes.
posted
I don't have a problem with starting in VR and then switching to reality. It's a matter of timing.
If you go the whole story in VR and then the last sentence jumps back to reality and you say "surprise, it was all fake", I'd probably be angry.
But starting with a few paragraphs or a page in VR wouldn't bother me. I may even smile and say "cool" when you switched the POV/setting. As long as the story is interesting (which should go without saying...) I enjoy having my head messed with.
And maybe it's just me, but "Black Knight" always makes me think of Monty Python ("it's only a flesh wound").
posted
Thank you all for the helpful comments. I don't know what I'm going to do with them yet. I'll revisit the opening once I have a story behind it and post it again then.
Some miscellanea:
I think span is okay as a past simple form of spin. Possibly older, or British English?
Not sure where I dredged clamouring from; British English again perhaps? The French would probably say “reclamer”, but with an accent
I didn't think of Monty P with the Black Knight, but I was definitely going for a fantasy cliché.
quote:I think span is okay as a past simple form of spin. Possibly older, or British English?
Perhaps. But I read a lot of Brittish authors, or ones that wish they were like Lovecraft, and I've never seen it spelled that way. It gave me pause also...I assumed it was a typo. I'd strongly recomend going with "spun."
quote:Not sure where I dredged clamouring from; British English again perhaps?
Sounds like it. I personally didn't even notice this one.
posted
I am so used to british spellings that I sometimes write them. I like it in your style of prose. It adds flare.
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