posted
This is an odd piece. Just curious how this intro is recieved.
"Oh my god! What happened to you?" She must have seen my lack of interest in retelling the account of my recent ass beating. "I'm sorry. It isn't my business. What can I get for you honey?" Honey? Why couldn't they have broken my damned nose? You smell alot of undesireable things in a bar when you have a nose like mine. Borax, sour bar towels, and this waitress' menstration. "You must be new. They have a bottle of Kettle One in the freezer. About this much in a frozen beer glass. NO ICE!" I can smell every rusty pipe city water has ever traveled. Too bad I can't smell traps My night was just beginnning. Just a few
posted
Interesting piece. I am with Scadder on this one, it was hard to figure out who was talking. But the MC shows good character. Cleaned up, it could be real good.
Posts: 1168 | Registered: Mar 2008
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posted
Hm... I'm not crazy about it, though I wasn't confused about the speakers. Or at least I don't think I do--the first is the waitress, the second is him telling her about his vodka stash. He seems kind of like a whiney jerk.
Also, the flow of logic doesn't quite work for me. What does her exclamation have to do with his lack of interest in retelling the account? And when had he told it the first time? Then in the second paragraph, why does "honey" set him off thinking about his nose?
And... this is a personal peeve of mine, but it really bothers me when writers throw in menstruation in when it doesn't have a lot of relevance to the story. It seems to me like a cheap way to make a piece "gritty" or real. (Sorry, I'm not trying to be mean here, I'm speaking from a lifetime of grrr!)
posted
I found this interesting, but confusing. I think I know who is talking, but can't understand why "Oh my God! What happened to you?" would be a response from seeing lack of interest in an ass-beating (should there be a hyphen?), nor do I understand the link between her calling him honey and him wishing they had broken his nose.
I actually thought smelling the menstruation (I don't think you spelled it right) was a nice detail. Gave the whole thing a gritty, real feeling. Yeah.
posted
Thanks for the input everyone. Anne raised a good point. This character is a whiny jerk, and although he is the protagonist and goes through alot in the tale, I am not sure that I can generate enough compassion for him. I might scrap this one.
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited May 22, 2008).]
posted
"Oh my god! What happened to you?" She must have seen my lack of interest in retelling the account of my recent ass beating. This sentence totally threw me. If she must have seen his lack of interest, why would she be asking? It only occurred to me after reaching the end and coming back, that it was probably sarcasm. The sentence structure also confused me, since I didn't know whether the narrator or someone else said "Oh my god!".] "I'm sorry. It isn't my business. What can I get for you[,] honey?" Honey? Why couldn't they have broken my damned nose?[Don't get the leap. Does he think he smells honey?] You smell alot of undesireable things in a bar when you have a nose like mine. Borax, sour bar towels, and this waitress' menstration. "You must be new.[Is he talking to her or is she talking to him?] They have a bottle of Kettle One in the freezer. About this much in a frozen beer glass. NO ICE!" I can smell every rusty pipe city water has ever traveled. Too bad I can't smell traps My night was just beginnning. Just a few
I found it baffling. I certainly didn't figure out that the man was an antagonist and that I wasn't supposed to have sympathy for him. He didn't seem whiny to me, just peeved. It's a bit odd to have the antagonist narrating from first person in the opening scene, though. Might throw people off too much because they're expecting a likeable hero. Is there any way to make it clear from the start?
posted
I corrected my error in the last post. I meant to say protagonist. I think I will toss this one.
Posts: 1888 | Registered: Jan 2008
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posted
Doh! No, don't toss it! There was surely something that drew you to this story, and if it drew you, it's worth writing, right? Maybe you just haven't found the right angle.
Posts: 2185 | Registered: Aug 2007
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posted
The idea is good, but as written, you have to read it 3 times to figure out what's happening. Once the dialogue/thoughts/actions are sorted out, this would be fine.
Finding a tiny flicker of compassion inside an otherwise whiny jerk could make for a very vivid character. It might be a nice contrast to all the otherwise mostly nice protagonists.
Also, further to what Anne said, do not treat menstruation flippantly. You will lose a lot of female readers.
posted
I'd have to agree with the comments regarding clarity and attribution of dialog. both would help - a lot.
The voice was interesting though, as was the nose. A werewolf, I wonder. Martin Miller, a writer I like a lot just wrote a book abouit werewolves, too, the title of which escapes me.
Menstruation worked for me, in that context and I didn't find it flippant--but neither am I a female reader.
Don't give up on it. I've pressed on with stories after far weaker openings than yours that have gone on to be rejected by some of the best publishers in the business
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