posted
I'm a little nervous, but I know you folks are here to help, and I'm ready to learn from my mistakes. So, here it is... the first 13 lines of my short story (novella?).
Fantasy: 10,500 words.
“Sold to the Mr. Little for two hundred!” The auctioneer bellowed over the loud speaker and dropped the gavel with a bang.
Wyatt McGovern leaped off the chestnut gelding and jerked him with the bridle reins to force the horse out of the auction ring. The horse’s head shot up from the pain of the unyielding curb bit, and Wyatt punched him in the nose. “Knock it off!” he shouted and pulled the wild-eyed horse all the way back to the holding pens.
Wyatt’s sweaty shirt was saturated with the strong stench of horses, and the summer heat and humidity had shortened his temper to a fine edge. His family was the third generation to have owned and operated the auction barn, and the horse sale ran
[This message has been edited by Crystal Stevens (edited July 02, 2008).]
posted
Oh my goodness. Now, how did I miss that? I'm sure that "the" was left over from when I was rewriting it. Sorry about that, and good eye.
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posted
"The horse's head shot up from the pain of the unyielding curb bit, and Wyatt punched him in the nose." I'm not sure what to make of this. Unfamiliar with horse auctions, is punching a horse in the nose for real? I thought of Blazing Saddles. I don't know if this was meant to be humorous, but it was a funny little visual.
Cut out the words not needed. "...(and the del) summer heat and humidity (had del.) shortened..."
"...operated the auction barn(.) The horse sale ran..."
Not a bad beginning. I expected this would lead up to some incident or conflict - and perhaps it does - but your last sentence "His family was the third generation..." Seems to back off a little from that. Then again, it is only 13 lines.
Why is Mr. Little called "...the Mr. Little?"
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited June 01, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited June 01, 2008).]
posted
I would avoid the 'dropped his gavel with a bang' bit. Sounds initially like he dropped it! I would find another way of structuring it to get the same effect but less ambiguously. Also, auctioneers tend to hit (closing the bidding) and then pronounce the winning bid, e.g.
“Sold to Mr. Little for two hundred dollars!” The auctioneer bellowed over the loud speaker and dropped the gavel with a bang.
The auctioneer's gavel crashed down against the desk. "Sold to Mr. Little for two hundred dollars," he bellowed through the public address system.
Just an idea--I didn't like the 'dropped'. It sounds to passive for the bang effect that comes later.
posted
Nitewriter; The action of hitting the horse on the nose was not intended to be comical in the least. This horse was just jabbed in his mouth with a bit that caused him pain. When a horse feels pain in his mouth, his first instinct is to get away from that pain by raising his head away from it. In this instance, the horse did nothing wrong and was punished for it. A punch in the nose for a horse is very much the same as a punch in the nose to a human except I doubt if you could break a horse's nose unlike that if a human.
If you were to read the entire story; It's about a horse abuser... Wyatt. Also, the one thing I was afraid of is I'm so used to horses that I have a tendency to think others that have never been around horses think the same way. I was trying to be very careful to avoid this trap when I wrote my story.
Sorry that you got the wrong impression. What you had to say really took me by surprise, and I had to think about it for awhile before posting this reply .
Skadder; I like the rewrite and will use it as my opening line. Yes, you are very much correct. Most auctioneers would use the gavel first and then announce the horse was sold. It's been awhile since I've been to a horse auction, though I've been to dozens of them over the years .
posted
Horse abuse was the thing that struck me most about this opening, so on that count you succeeded. I agree with nitewriter that "His family was the third generation..." was too much of a step back from the action. I wanted to see him either be confronted about his treatment of the horse, or the crowd's indifference to be emphasized more, so that I know it's not just a case of the author not realizing that this treatment would be bad for a horse.
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posted
I went back to my story and reread the part about the "third Generation" thing. It really doesn't apply to the rest of my story, so I've decided to leave it out.
Here's the corrected version. See what you think:
The auctioneer's gavel crashed down on the counter. "Sold to Mr. Little for two hundred dollars," he bellowed through the mike.
Wyatt McGovern leaped off the chestnut gelding and jerked him with the bridle reins to force the horse out of the auction ring. The horse’s head shot up from the pain of the unyielding curb bit, and Wyatt punched him in the nose. “Knock it off!” he shouted and pulled the wild-eyed horse all the way back to the holding pens.
Wyatt’s sweaty shirt was saturated with the strong stench of horses, and the summer heat and humidity had shortened his temper to a fine edge. He turned the chestnut around once the gelding was in the pen, pulled the bridle off in a single jerk, and
quote:The auctioneer's gavel crashed down on the counter. "Sold to Mr. Little for two hundred dollars," he bellowed through the mike.
You could combine these if you wanted, and lose the tag, unless you feel it important that the auctioner was male. SOmething like: The auctioneer's gavel crashed down on the counter. "Sold to Mr Little for two undred dollars."
also - I don't know this, I always get them confused - "leaped" or "leapt"
I also felt you could lose a couple words in the next sentence.
Wyatt McGovern leapt off the chestnut gelding and jerked the bridle reins, forcing the horse out of the auction ring.
As a personal note, I would hope to see the horse kick McGovern from the pen real soon.
I hope this helps
[This message has been edited by Tiergan (edited June 02, 2008).]
posted
Most of what I noticed has been covered. One point on description, though: 'and the summer heat and humidity had shortened his temper to a fine edge' - you can't really 'shorten' something to an edge. You sharpen things to an edge; you shorten things to... well, something short(er). Equally, tempers can be frayed, fuses shortened, nerves gotten on, etc, but it's hard to imagine what a 'fine-edged' temper is. Anyway, I'd find another way to describe the temper, if I were you.
posted
In some ways I've been rude and wish to apologize for it. I'm sorry that I haven't responded to those who have offered to read my story. Right now, I feel it isn't ready for a reader yet. I'm still working on it. Once it's ready, I might let someone read it for me. With the wonderful feedback I've already received, I'm sure it would be very benificial. So, please be patient, and I'll probably send it in time.
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