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Blasts of retro thrust settled the Crew Sortie Orbiter onto its assigned circuit. Golden skinned, three meters wide by twenty meters long, the pipe-shaped CSO thrust module came fresh off the factory habitat assembly line. Battle scars and micrometeorite impacts pitted the control capsule mated to the module.
Sunlight blinded the capsule's topside observation window. Beneath the pilot's feet, the belly window framed the blue and white planetary boulder. Second Warrant Officer Ladron Morales, call sign Laddio, sipped water from the tap at his chin. "Once more into the breech," he mouthed. "Dios mio, por favor, let it be the quiet sortie."
On Laddio's first sortie, the Stinger missiles that destroyed

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[This message has been edited by extrinsic (edited June 05, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by extrinsic (edited June 05, 2008).]

"Sunlight blinded the capsule's topside observation window." Awlward at best. How can a window be blinded? Why not just give a description of the light flooding through the window?

The prose is great. Stylistically, I found no flaws.

I would liked to have seen more of the characters.There seemed too many technical details and not enough human. I realize that scene setting was likely the motive here, but I like to see how the characters interact with the technology more than the tech itself.

This is likely a personal preference though. There were no holes in grammar.

Anyway, no. You have not captured my interest. Why? I found the paragraph slow reading. You had too many details in the first paragraph.

Blasts of retro thrust settled the Crew Sortie Orbiter onto its assigned circuit.
Okay. I had to think here, but it wasn’t too bad. I figured out this is some sort of landing from orbit onto the shores of some other Normandy…ship.
Onto the next sentence.

Golden skinned, three meters wide by twenty meters long, (at this point I’m juggling several ideas trying to build an image here and it’s not easy for some reason) the pipe-shaped CSO (whoa! CSO – Oh, I look back and see it must be the Crew Sortie orbiter – but I had to stop and go look – not good for hooking or drawing me into your story) thrust module (another piece of the puzzle to insert at this stage. I feel like I’m holding one of those 3D wooden puzzles in my mind and I’m losing the it) came fresh off the factory habitat assembly line (this is so far off from the moment of the story! Don’t do this. Yes, I HAVE seen this description thingee done well, but you have too much distraction already – for me). Battle scars and micrometeorite impacts pitted the control capsule mated to the module.{and I have another couple of descriptive details that do not flow well as an image. I have to think rather than enjoy. About now I would have put your story back in the slush and moved on to something that reads more smoothly.)

Sunlight blinded the capsule's topside observation window.{Here you bring us back from the technical description to the here and now. I do agree with above comments that this, while more active, doesn’t really work) Beneath the pilot's feet, the belly window framed the blue and white planetary boulder. Second Warrant Officer Ladron Morales, call sign Laddio, sipped water from the tap at his chin (For me, these two details conflict. If he has stuff under his chin, I feel it likely there is a helmet and he probably can’t see a window in the floor all that well – just my instinctive feel). "Once more into the breech," he mouthed. "Dios mio, por favor, let it be the quiet sortie."
On Laddio's first sortie, the Stinger missiles that destroyed (No. Don’t do more background here. A real raconteur could get away with it, but your details are not that well formed and do not flow smoothly from one to the next. And learning about what happened to the pov last time is not intriguing at this point. You haven’t made me care about him or this story event…not yet.

Sorry I couldn’t be any real help here.

Oh, (written later) I see one of the big problems. Your writing, while technically correct, is rather dry and colorless. There is no sense of emotion in the descriptions or anything here.

"Too technical." Appealing to the audience's comfort zone needs attention. What one writing guru calls "rooting interest" is nonexistent in the opening, except for a very narrow audience's. Resonance is low, too, the story needs broader relevance to reader interests and experiences and desires.

"Dramatic action doesn't start soon enough. What's the opposition, what's the protagonist's goal, what's the causation, are some of the other questions implied that need more direct answering in the opening 150 words. The contrast between a factory-fresh thrust module and a battle scarred micrometeorite pitted capsule isn't apparent enough to introduce context for the protagonist's opposition, goal, or provide ample context for the First Cause.

Context of the term boulder is missed by all but a select few. Boulder refers to a marble larger than the regulation size. No one plays the playground game of marbles anymore. The misinterpretation of boulder tells me the metaphor is too obscure. Better context is needed.

For me blinded is what happens to a window bathed in glaring sunlight. It's too figurative amongst all the other overtly literal context. The boulder framed by the belly window is, of course, planet Earth. A boulder of the marble kind is what I conceptualized when I viewed a representation of Earth from a cislunar orbit in Celestia's 3-D astronomical rendering program.

No, it's not a gunfight. It's a one-sided missile shooting gallery where a mysterious flight of orbital fighters forces humanity to engage in space warfare and inhabit cislunar space sooner and with more risk than might occur in the ordinary course of human development. The story begins after the completion of humanity's frantic efforts to establish a functional presence in the combat theater. Laddio strives to overcome the enemy's tactical superiority.

But(oh, theres that but), I would reduce the number of times the word sortie is used.

Comments along the lines of colorless and dry are sorta callous, but in this case perhaps correct--I'm not certain, that is a heck of a judgment on just thirteen lines.