So I was browsing on Duotrope, and found an upcoming anthology called "The Book of Tentacles." Now, I love me some tentacles, and of course at first I thought Lovecraftian. Then I thought, no, lets do something a little different...how about..a rusty/industrial story...with tentacles?

Anyway here is the begining. It is a little slow, but thats mostly intentional. I'd like thoughts on the begining, and volunteers to read it all when its finished. I'm thinking not over 5k.

Chris passed by the abandoned factory each day, and each day its hold on him grew. He would walk through the industrial district on his way home from the single tiny building and collection of ramshackle trailers they called a school. He could have taken the bus of course—the tenement where he lived was directly on its route. Chris preferred to walk, his long legs covering ground quickly and smoothly.
Even on the weekends, he would leave the apartment he shared with his booze-soaked mother, and walk into the industrial district. He would pass by all the active factories, smoke pouring from their chimneys, the grinding of their machines beating like some mechanical pulse. Finally, he would come to a stretch of chain link fence around a vast, deserted parking lot.

I also feel like the first sentence doesn't quite jibe with the rest of what you say. You mention the factory and then go into great detail about walking home and his mother. If you want the focus to be the factory, make it the factory. If you want to lead up to the factory, then start with the walking and put the factory in later.

Example: "Chris would walk through the industrial district on his way home from the single tiny building and collection of ramshackle trailers they called a school. He could have taken the bus of course—the tenement where he lived was directly on its route. Chris preferred to walk, his long legs covering ground quickly and smoothly.
Even on the weekends, he would leave the apartment he shared with his booze-soaked mother, and walk into the industrial district. He would pass by all the active factories, smoke pouring from their chimneys, the grinding of their machines beating like some mechanical pulse. Finally, he would come to a stretch of chain link fence around a vast, deserted parking lot. This was the real reason he chose to walk home every day." etc. etc.

The bit about the legs also...yes I can think of couple of better ways to do that.

For me, the begining is often a little rocky, as the story starts telling me what it wants to do. It's becoming somewhat clearer now.

Just don't forget its [] brackets for quoting :-)

Given the previous discussion, I was wondering whether it was possible to simply have Chris walk through the industrial area every day from school (unless the fact that he likes to walk rather than catch the bus is an important plot point in and of itself)?

The fact that he returns there on weekends shows how the factory has a hold on him and you have plenty of time later to show why it fascinates him.

[He would pass by all the active factories, smoke pouring from their chimneys, the grinding of their machines beating like some mechanical pulse.]

The fact that the smoke is pouring from chimneys implies that the factories are active, so you can save the grand total of a word there.

I’m not sure about sticking a simile in your first 13 either, unless it’s very, very strong and I’m worried that […like some mechanical pulse] will throw readers off before they’re committed. It might be worth saving your strong images for later in the story once the reader is hooked.

There’s not much foreshadowing of what kind of story this is going to be. Given your aims for the story, I wouldn’t mind seeing something in the opening that hints at disquiet or unease beyond the ordinary.

Regards,

I think the advice given here is pretty solid although I think that the imagery works the way it is. Also someone mentioned cutting the word active from [He would pass by all the active factories, smoke pouring from their chimneys]. I actually think it's needed. I think you are trying to draw a distinction there and for me, that distinction becomes softer without that word.

Send it on over when it's done. I'll give it a read.

Anthony