Hope I've got the whole 13 line thing and formatting right. I'm looking for comments on the 1st 13 as well as hardy fools to look at the whole thing. It's a story I've had a lot of trouble with. Many thanks,
Nick
In Bill Tanner’s briefcase, he held the memories of three terrorists that he had killed. He knew that he should have gone straight to headquarters with them, but it was his twentieth wedding anniversary and he had not seen his wife for about a month. He took the diamond ring he had brought for her from his pocket and admired its sparkle. As he thought of her, he forgot about the mission and what he had done.
Just before the plane landed, he contacted his secretarial computer. “Where is Peggy?” _Clarify_ “My wife.” There was a pause and the computer beamed the name of a restaurant where she had a twelve-thirty business meeting. Bill checked his watch.
Watch the; "he", "that", and "had's"...especially the he's, as there is only on POV character. You could make this punchier, by cleaning them up and sharpening verbs.
quote:In Bill Tanner’s briefcase, he held the memories of three terrorists that he had killed. He knew that he should have gone straight to headquarters with them, but it was his twentieth wedding anniversary and he had not seen his wife for about a month.
In Bill Tanner's briefcase were the memories of three terrorist, dead by his hands. He was aware of the risk being taken by not returning promptly to headquarters, but it was his twentieth anniversary--and dammit-- he hadnt seen his wife in a month.
posted
I'm almost hooked. For a moment I thought that "held the memories of three terrorists" meant he was carrying souvenirs or trophies of them, but then I decided to assume he's dumped their memories into some kind of fancy computer or something, for interrogation back at base. If that's the case, would he think of them as "memories"?
The second sentence reduced my engagement with the story. If he's more bothered about his wife than the memories, he doesn't sound committed to the issue (memories) that the first sentence hooked me with, so I'm less interested too. My interest fell further when he forgot about the mission. Now, instead of looking forward to hearing about the terrorists and their memories, I'm anticipating a scene of him meeting his wife in a restaurant; I'm no longer hooked.
It's rather distant. "Just before the plane landed" could be replaced with a sense of his surroundings as they make ready to land.
If it's his secretarial computer, wouldn't it know his wife's name? ("What?" she shouted. "You didn't even tell it my name?!")
How did it beam her location to him? Did he hear it in an earpiece, see it on a screen? Also, "where she had a twelve-thirty business meeting" feels like an infodump.
The premise is interesting, but it feels remote. We're not in there with Bill, seeing what he sees and feeling what he feels.
posted
To expand a bit on TaleSpinner's comment, I'd like to know why Bill's mind got redirected from the terrorist memories he was carrying, to his wife. Were those particular 'jobs' so easy and routine that they never made an emotional impression? Did the terrorists' memories not make an impression on him for the same reasons of 'been there, done that'? Were these particular jobs so horrific that he had to force himself to focus on his wife?...or, anything else, for that matter.
And, from the other end of the equation, what about his wife? What warrants her getting most of the wordcount? Was he rushing to meet with her because he wanted to celebrate their twenty incredible years together? Was he rushing to meet with her because their last twenty years were a struggle, and he refused to go down without giving it one last effort? Or---at the risk of sounding like a pig ---is she hot? Whatever it is, it needs to be an earth-shattering reason to make up for the reader being teased with a hint that we would get to check out the memories of dead terrorists, then taking it away.
posted
Thanks everyone for your feedback, greatly appreciated.
I guess I'd like to see what the feedback is for the overall story before tackling the problems raised by the 1st 13. The wife is important to the whole story (and getting the protag. to the restaurant to meet her) at the moment, but at the same time, I don't want to dilute what works in the 1st 13. You've all given me a lot to think about.
posted
This is just a nit, but why would a computer with advanced enough AI to be a act as a personal secretary not be able to figure out that by "Peggy", the guy means his wife?
More importantly, though: I found the idea of memories of dead men in a briefcase quite interesting.
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---is she hot? Whatever it is, it needs to be an earth-shattering reason to make up for the reader being teased with a hint that we would get to check out the memories of dead terrorists, then taking it away.
