posted
The character sketches are done. The storyline is done. The first 13 lines are before you.
Thanx in advance for your time and attention.
S! S!...C!
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Curtis still couldn't move his head enough to see the timepiece. Not that it mattered anymore. He stopped paying attention to his elapsed travel time somewhere after the first hundred years.
Pinned in place between the forward-moving fringe of time, and the nothingness where the fringe was forever tasked to traverse. Still, he felt no friction. No exhaustion. No hunger. No sensations of any kind. A growing impatience, perhaps. Decades of his time were spent wishing the approaching 2153 would offer technological awareness as to why his time circler sent him forward as opposed to backwards.
He sensed familiar movement to his right, barely within his peripheral. Blurs of brown. Closer than before. Never any
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 02, 2008).]
posted
With the exception of the last line, I really enjoyed this. I like the voice. It is active and well-paced. I typically don't like time travel pieces either, so for this to stand out to me makes me think that this is exceptional.
Keep pounding the keys until this one becomes a final draft. Best of luck.
Oh, the last line--I just think the phrase, "So-and-so was afraid", "Fear welled up from within", or in any form are tired and telling. I recently started looking for those phrases in my own writing to cut. I think it is best to show the reader through other means. Also the adverb there compounded that issue even further, for me anyway.
I'd say if you decide to keep it, revise it"the fear proved unbearable." or somesuch.
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited July 02, 2008).]
posted
Nice, nice. I didn't see the last line, because it was edited. But I liked what I read. Very good cadence.
One awkward line.
He stopped paying attention to his elapsed travel time somewhere after the first hundred years.
"elapsed travel" - pick one, both is overkill and perhaps even tautology given the context later in the sentence. Also, this sentence should be past tense, not present tense.
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