posted
Title is a place-holder. Story is still in its infancy. Would appreciate comments on the first 13.
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The tea was sweet. Malcolm Burns was no connoisseur, but he knew the Bedouins were known for their tea. He enjoyed its warmth as he sipped the last remnants from his plastic cup.
The sun had passed over the horizon two hours ago, and small luminarias fought off the darkness that engulfed the canyons. The small flames outlined the beautiful façade of the Treasury, Petra’s most prized monument. As he gazed at the canyon face, he listened to a Bedouin chant an ancient song, while another played the flute.
He had heard many theories, but hundreds of historians had missed one important detail -- the treasure can only be found at night. As the Bedouin breathed his last notes, Malcolm gathered his pack and nudged Davis on the arm.
You have "small luminaries", and "small flames"...too many "smalls". The "plastic cup" bothers me too. I can't make the setting work in my head with a canyon, and luminaries, ancient culture chanting and plastic cup.
I like the idea of the treasure being found at night. I would read more.
This could be the the most genius opening phrase I have ever read. Seriously. The line does so much. It gives us a subtle sense of the situation, it is something almost anyone can relate to(with the exception of those with diabetes) and it somehow instills in my that he is in an unfamiliar setting.
quote:Malcolm Burns was no connoisseur[[Consider; didn't consider himself a connoisseurIt strengthens the POV]], but he knew[[You can cut this/implied by POV]] the Bedouins were known for their tea. He enjoyed its warmth as he sipped the last remnants from his plastic cup.[[Wordy/ He enjoyed the warm remnants at the bottom of his plastic cup.]]
The sun had passed over the horizon two hours ago[[Unescessary info+ it moves us backwards instead of forwards. Just tell us it's dark. Keep us in the moment.]], and small luminarias fought off the darkness that engulfed the canyons. The small flames outlined the beautiful façade of the Treasury, Petra’s most prized monument. As he gazed at the canyon face, he listened to a Bedouin chant an ancient song, while another played the flute.
He had heard many theories, but hundreds of historians had missed one important detail -- the treasure can only be found at night. As the Bedouin breathed his last notes, Malcolm gathered his pack and nudged Davis on the arm
I was mildly interestested, but much of the prose seemed wordy. Trimming out some of the backstory and sharpening up the sentence structure will really make this shine.
[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited July 05, 2008).]
I always hate posting after Bent Tree as he seems to nail the important points.
At any rate, I think the opening has a bit of promise once you tighten up the wording. I'd concentrate on what you've done well here (the atmosphere and painting the scene) and not worry about the backstory so much. You've mixed in sensory details quite nicely.
I don't know if it bothered anyone else, but I didn't know what a "luminarias" was. I figured out it was essentially a candle pretty quickly, but it did bring me out of the story momentarily. It might just be me.
posted
An interesting side point. I recently tasted some fermented tea, known to be drunk by camel trains on the silk trail. It was smokey, a bit like a cigar but without the ash. I am not sure whether this is what the Bedouins drink, or whether they mix camel milk with it or not, so it might pay to find out.
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posted
Isn't it coffee the Bedouin are renowned for? Thick, black, chunky coffee, with cardamom?
I think I'll rebel here: I loved the "wordiness"! Your writing voice is very engaging. And the imagery is fantastic. The language itself hooked me for the short-term, and "the treasure can only be found at night" hooked me for the rest. I definitely wanted to keep reading.
[This message has been edited by C L Lynn (edited July 11, 2008).]
A few return comments - The plastic cup is critical, because I don't want readers to think it takes place hundreds of years ago. I don't know if it is the best way to do it, however. I appreciate the comment, though.. I can see how it can confuse a reader.
BT: thanks for the compliment. I agree with your suggestions - and I am glad you point out the POV. I continually slip with POV and switch to omni at times without realizing it. Your suggestion is much stronger.
As far as luminaria - I debated whether or not to use it. I only learned of the word when I went to Jordan earlier this year. Here's the definition from dictionary.com: a Christmas lantern consisting of a lighted candle set in sand inside a paper bag.
(A paper bag being a small lunch bag).
That's exactly the picture I wanted to paint, but didn't want to focus on the candles. The ONLY reason I chose to use the word is that it starts with luminar- , which has to be a clue to the reader that it is some type of light. I'll have to think about this one, though...
And yes. . . I did try the tea. It was sweet.
Thanks all. I'm working on a couple stories, but will finish this one up hopefully soon.
posted
It seems to me you have something interesting here. But you start out with something that didn’t work for me.
The fact the tea was sweet does not seem to flow into the sense that the Bedouins were noted for their tea.
The tea was sweet. Malcolm Burns enjoyed its warmth as he sipped the last remnants from his plastic cup. “Good” he said to his Bedouin host. Malcolm was no connoisseur, but he knew the Bedouins were known for their tea. “Good tea.”
This still leaves the question of why noting that the tea was “sweet.” Because he isn’t used to sweet tea? Doesn’t like it but can’t offend his host? Put something like that in and this might make more sense.
The tea was too sweet. Malcolm Burns only enjoyed its warmth as he sipped the last remnants from his plastic cup. “Good” he said to his Bedouin host. Malcolm was no connoisseur, but he knew the Bedouins were known for their tea. “Good tea.”
Perhaps you would be better off skipping the question of sweet tea.
Malcolm Burns was no connoisseur, but he knew the Bedouins were known for their tea. He enjoyed its warmth as he sipped the last remnants from his plastic cup.
The sun had passed over the horizon two hours ago, If he in Petra, he is in a canyon and the sun and horizon are not visible, are they? And the luminaries are lighting one canyon. When is this set? This is a protected historical site these days. Bedouins don’t just camp there with rogue historian/treasure hunters. And what are these luminarias? They sound like those sacks with candles in Mexico. All the Bedouins I remember used fires out in the desert. Or portable generators. and small luminarias fought off the darkness that engulfed the canyons. The small flames outlined the beautiful façade of the Treasury, Petra’s most prized monument. As he gazed at the canyon face, he listened to a Bedouin chant an ancient song, while another played the flute.
He had heard many theories, but hundreds of historians had missed one important detail -- the treasure can only be found at night. As the Bedouin breathed his last notes, Malcolm gathered his pack and nudged Davis on the arm.
When I really think about it, this makes no sense. Sorry. I know too much having lived nearby???
Back to what you have. The sense is not flowing well here. Yes, going to a detail of the time of day and the lighting is okay but then back to his listening to the song and flute – no. You’re jumping around with no good reason for that. You need to go from the gazing at the front of the Treasury to his theory that the treasure being only at night. The listening to the song fits in better before that. You have the focus on the Bedouin and the tea and maybe the host and then the song and flute. Then you turn to the time and come in to the point of all this. And why is he getting up suddenly? He’s with the Bedouin, right? You don’t just pick up and leave. Well, it’s your story.
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited July 12, 2008).]
posted
Thinking more. The bringing in the bit about the Bedouin being good at tea and then the singing and flute make this seem that the pov is with some Bedouin. Is he? And if he is, how? Guest? It's their tea he's drinking, isn't it?
That's why I get the idea he's with some Bedouin. And being with them, I can't believe his just getting up and leaving without some gesture or something toward his host.
I guess this is sometime in the past. The twenties? 1800s? A hint of the time period would help here.
And think about the flow of the information you're feeding us? Does it make sense in the order you are giving it?
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