Revised Version One:

When Tech Officer Aaron Tanaka entered the holding cell the android sat quietly on a chair behind a metal table. Aaron gave it a glance as he walked over and pulled out the other chair. The android’s eyes tracked him as he sat down.
“Ship?” Aaron said.
“Yes, Officer Tanaka?” A two foot high ship's avatar swirled into existence on the tabletop.
“Confirm the security features of this room,” Aaron said.
“The room is actively monitored and its weapon systems are currently on standby.” The avatar smiled. "You are safe."
Aaron studied the android for a moment. It sat there unmoving except for its eyes which shifted as Aaron moved. It blinked.
“Ship, categorize this android as highly dangerous until I say

Version 3:

Aaron Tanaka looked through the holding cell’s window at the thousands of androids suspended from hooks in the bay, synced to their virtual training world. Aaron tapped his finger on the metal table-top as he sized up the android sitting opposite him.
“If I asked you to self-terminate,” he smiled at the android, “would you comply?”
The android moved for the first time and turned to glance at the two articulated, wall-mounted weapons systems aimed at its head.
“Perhaps, but it would depend on the circumstances—and the reason,” the android said quietly. It smiled. “Are you going to make such a request, Technical Officer Tanaka?”
Aaron ignored the question. “The psych tests you completed show

Version 4

Aaron Tanaka twisted to look through the holding cell’s window at the androids suspended in the troop bay, spliced to their virtual world. Aaron turned back. He tapped his finger on the metal table-top as he sized up the android sitting opposite him.
“Are you like the rest of them?” he stared at the android, “Say I asked you to self-terminate," he paused, "Would you comply?”
The android moved for the first time. It glanced at the two articulated, wall-mounted weapons systems aimed at its head.
“Perhaps, but it would depend on the circumstances—and the reason,” the android said. It smiled, showing white teeth. “Are you going to make such a request, Technical Officer Tanaka?”
Aaron ignored the question. “The psych tests you completed show that you have developed a personality outside of the preferred

Revision Five (and last...although it has been fun!):

When Aaron Tanaka entered the holding cell the android was sitting quietly on a chair behind a metal table. The android’s eyes tracked Aaron as he crossed the room and sat down.
“Ship?” Aaron said, ignoring the android for a moment.
A life-size female avatar swirled into existence next to him. "Yes, Officer Tanaka."
“Confirm the security features active in this room.”
“The room is monitored, its weapon systems are at standby status and the android is field-contained.” The avatar smiled. "You are safe."
Aaron smiled; it was nothing to do with safety. "Ship, bring the termination rods online and standby." He smiled at the android and opened an audio channel. "Do you know why I am here?"

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 10, 2008).]

quote:

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When Technical Officer[[The formality in this title seemed a little stiff for an opener]] Aaron Tanaka entered the holding cell the android sat quietly on a chair behind a metal table. Aaron gave it a glance as he walked over and pulled out the other chair. The android’s eyes tracked him as he sat down.[[Great line]]
“Ship?” Aaron said.
“Yes, Officer Tanaka?” A two foot high ship's avatar[[ I think this needs to be reworded]] swirled into existance[[spelling]] on the tabletop.
“Confirm the security features of this room.” tag needed. It feels as if the avatar is the subject speaking from the context]]
“The room is actively monitored and its weapon systems are currently on standby.” The avatar smiled. "You're[[The contraction here seems too informal for a computer or AI. Consider You are]] safe."
Aaron studied the android for a moment. It sat their unmoving except for its eyes which shifted as Aaron moved. It blinked.
“Ship, categorise[[spelling]]this android as highly dangerous until I say

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I was hooked by this. I would read on.

[This message has been edited by Bent Tree (edited July 09, 2008).]

The last line of the opening paragraph led me to believe that the android would be doing the talking. So the conversation went like this

quote:

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“Ship?” Aaron said. Wierd opening line, but to the point. Obviously they both wanted to find out what something was. Turn's out it was a ship, which both could confirm.

“Yes, Officer Tanaka?” A two foot high ship's avatar swirled into existance on the tabletop.So they even have a picture of it, perhaps in 3D. However, it does seem now the the android hasn't met Aaron before, else he wouldn't be asking a question. Seems wierd for Aaron not to introduce himself, but perhaps he is a buyer of the ship and the android the seller?

“Confirm the security features of this room.”

“The room is actively monitored and its weapon systems are currently on standby.” The avatar smiled. "You're safe."Interesting hook. This is a side room deal that requires the room to be monitored and have its own weapon systems. In case someone attacks the room to stop the deal going ahead? Must be some sordid deal. Especially as the similarity between the word android and avatar allowed me to misread it as the android smiling.

Aaron studied the android for a moment. It sat their unmoving except for its eyes which shifted as Aaron moved. It blinked.
“Ship, catagorise this android as highly dangerous until I say And here I went "Huh?" and realised that I had misread the entire beginning.

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After a smirk at my own stupidity, I realised, "hey, I like the sordid, sideroom deal opening better," although, as opening hooks, both your real opening and my reinterpretation are fairly cliche. So, whilst I would read on, I would want to see the real hook very soon.

I love how the android only moves its eyes.

When Tanaka entered the cell, was the android already sitting or did it sit down as a reaction to him entering. If the former, then I'd suggest "When ... entered ... the android was sitting quietly ..."

I was totally confused about who was talking and thought it was the android, took three readings to realise the ship's avatar was talking. I'd suggest something like,

A two foot high ship's avatar swirled into existence on the tabletop and said, "Yes, Officer ...?" if only because we'll see the avatar before it speaks, right?

Also, what does a ship's avatar look like? My immediate mental picture was one of a ship (literally, a cruise liner) and then I wondered how it might smile.

Yet, I'm hooked and would read on. A dangerous android that's so economical with its movements that it only moves its eyes is interesting.

Cheers,
Pat

quote:

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After a smirk at my own stupidity, I realised, "hey, I like the sordid, sideroom deal opening better," although, as opening hooks, both your real opening and my reinterpretation are fairly cliche. So, whilst I would read on, I would want to see the real hook very soon.

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quote:

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If the android was truly dangerous, wouldn't T.O. Tanaka confirm that security precautions have been taken prior to entering the holding cell?

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But what if it wasn't? What if the security precautions the ship had set up were more than sufficient for the interview--how would you view Tanaka's behaviour then?

Obviously I am not gonna answer all questions-needless to say it is not a plot hole.

I was hooked. I thought it interesting enough that I would read on. The opening is subtle but there was enough for me to keep reading. I don't need to know what the "real" hook is, at this point.

Other nit-picky stuff, in case it's of interest:

I wondered about the repeated mention of the android's eye movements. The second description implies some amount of time passing. It kind of left a gap for me and made me wonder "how much did Aaron actually move since he was sitting down? The fact that the android's eyes shifted with minor movement sort of took away from the original effect for me, not just because of the repetition, but it changed the menacing nature of the android for me. It made him seem more nervous. But maybe this is what you're going for, and nervousness doesn't exclude aggressiveness or dangerousness.

I, also, was bothered that he didn't confirm the security features of the room before he enters. My conclusion is that he's a bit reckless and maybe doesn't think ahead. Had he confirmed the security features before entering, but not categorized the android as highly dangerous until sitting down, then I'd conclude that he was unsure whether the android was dangerous or not, or that he knew something about the android that made him think it might not be dangerous, until he actually observes its behavior.

- I was gonna say 'the android was sitting' instead of 'sat' too, so we're all good on that.
- I'd prefer a comma after 'holding cell', myself.
- 'Aaron gave it a glance as he walked over and pulled out the other chair. The android’s eyes tracked him as he sat down.' - I don't think these sentences are actually passive voice, but they're both 'he did this as he did that'... I don't know how to describe it. I'd prefer one of them to not be an 'as' sentence, if that makes sense - e.g. 'Aaron gave it a glance, then walked over to the other chair and pulled it out. The android's eyes tracked him...'.
- '“Yes, Officer Tanaka?” A two foot high ship's avatar swirled into existence on the tabletop.' - silly as this sounds, I thought he was talking to the android until the avatar swirled into existence. I'd consider swapping the sentence around (A two foot... "Yes, Officer Tanaka?"), though that's just me.
- 'It sat there unmoving except for its eyes which shifted as Aaron moved' - something about that sentence is annoying me. I want more commas and some kind of parenthesis in there, and the repeated use of 'move' sticks out at me too. Maybe change 'unmoving' to something else? 'Motionless'? It's certainly easier to change that than to change 'moved' - you'd have to have something awkward like 'fidgeted', which is rubbish. Tentative suggestion: It sat there motionless (except for its eyes, which shifted as Aaron moved).
- Spelling again: categorise with an S please, since you're English .

The android has a brooding, quietly dangerous feel to it - an infamous criminal finally in custody, eyeing up its captors. I think it's the shifty eyes that does it . Just an observation.

Anyway, personally, I found (indeed find) this a little hard to read. I'm not sure why, but I can't seem to cope without the commas in my suggestions - I expect them to be there, and it trips me up when they aren't. As for the story itself, what you essentially have is some unknown article in a cell. It's the criminal in captivity with a sci-fi twist, and a captured criminal is not inherently interesting. Something slightly more original needs to happen soon for me to keep reading. Then again, I was having trouble with the prose itself anyway.

I'm being picky, because I've read a lot of your other work. Yes, I do want to know what this android has done / why it's dangerous, etc, but it's all a little... generic. I've seen much more original stuff from you, and it's hard to get excited by this.

I appreciate your comments, and I understand the point you are making which is basically why ask about something you already know, or alternatively why go in without checking. Asking the question itself is to ascertain the specific security features available in the room so he can plan his next move.

The story starts fairly generically, I admit--in a cell--but ends fairly surprisingly, I hope.

I think this is why I will submit another version tonight which starts a little later--about 5 minutes. I hope it will be better.

I have tried a number of start points for this story, but need to find the right one.

Adam

Ah, the infamous search for the right opening point - the bane of my existence. Good luck!

Also, the first paragraph I found very jarring. First sentence he's looking through the window. The next he's suddenly reoriented to look at an android behind a metal table that's suddenly there.

I agree with annepin - the sudden change of perspective in the first two sentences is quite jarring, and the whole thing is very 'I, Robot' (the movie - I haven't read the book either, lol. It's a collection of shorter sci-fi stories, isn't it?). Admittedly, your robot seems to be some sort of renegade (unlike the one in the film), but, hanging on hooks or not, the image of row upon row of robots is a little too similar to avoid comparison. Just a thought, but why do they have to be fully built (and standing in rows) if they're synced up to a virtual training world? Why not link them up to it for training as brains in a jar (if you like), then power them down (or not) and assemble them (as in, insert brain into body) later? It'd save on space and power, at least. Just a thought.

I think the 'I, Robot' comparisons wouldn't be so stark if you didn't open on something so familiar. Indeed, you had a robot in confinement in the other versions, but I didn't jump to the Will Smith conclusion. I do like the little exchange between the robot and Tanaka (your robot, in all the openings, seems to have a kind of badboy attitude - to hell with authority, and so forth), but it's drowned out by the movie images in my head I'm afraid.

My advice, try another entry point - either just before the originals, or another time and place altogether. Perhaps even a prologue - the moment in the training world when the robot deviated from its ideal personality. These are just examples, but you get the idea.

Hope this helped .

quote:

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Just a thought, but why do they have to be fully built (and standing in rows) if they're synced up to a virtual training world? Why not link them up to it for training as brains in a jar (if you like), then power them down (or not) and assemble them (as in, insert brain into body) later? It'd save on space and power, at least. Just a thought.

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There is a very good reason not to do this. These androids have to be tamperproof from outside forces. It is a security feature, including the development of individual and distinct personalities to exclude the enemy from creating programmes/situations where they could co-opt entire forces, which has happened in the past. The androids are created as almost mental blanks in bodies (this offers a degree of tamper protection as you would have disassemble each one to access its brains) then they develop personalities (each creating individual operating systems) using a sensory input system (like glasses, tactile body coverings and headphones, but a little more teched up). They are allowed to learn within reason what they want (military tactics and skills are obligatory), they are therefore distinct individuals with varying ethical codes.

I have read I, Robot and I own the movie so I am aware that anytime anyone interviews an android in a story people will see 'Sonny' and Will Smith. It was constantly in the back of my mind as I wrote this (curses). However a few sentences after this opening the ship is destroyed and these two are forced together in an escape capsule and land on an alien planet. I am fairly certain the I, Robot comparison will be short lived.

Indeed, the I, Robot comparison is always going to shortlived, since your story is [I would hope] not going to be the movie regurgitated. That said, I think you'd do well to avoid triggering that thought in the reader's mind in the absolute beginning, since that could stop them turning the proverbial page.

- You've lost the motionless-except-for-the-eyes thing that everyone (me included) liked.
- Tanaka was always very... 'in charge', I suppose - suddenly he's gone all hesitant and unsure of himself. I'm not sure I want to read about a shrinking violet. And he's all niceynice, now, too - “...a personality outside of the preferred profile for a combat android. This is a problem.” 'This is a problem' - it's a bit like when a useless teacher sits down an errant pupil and says 'you really must do your homework in future, Billy'.
- I quite like the way you've made a point of the big, fat, don't-mess-with-us wall-mounted guns. I'd say it lends a sense of severity to the situation, but Tanaka and the robot don't seem all that bothered.
- The metal table still seems to appear out of nowhere, but we don't have the awkward shift in perspective anymore.

I like that the android gets to say more and that his personality comes through more. Tanaka does seem more agitated and unsure of himself which, depending on where the story is going, might be effective or not. It certainly does create more tension, but there's less of the delicious feeling of, "oh man, this confident hot shot is going to have his world shaken apart!" that I felt in the first version.

The first line feels like you're trying to hard to get that reference of the androids in. It also strikes me as weird that the holding cell is right next to a potentially sensitive area (i.e. where the androids are stored). I do like that you've put them into context, however--"'Are you like the rest of them?'" Now we have an instant comparison.

The concept of a robot straying outside parameters defined by the Three Laws and our hero (well, heroine, Susan Calvin) having to bring the situation into control was a common theme in Asimov's stories. Revisions three and four brought them to mind and my immediate reaction was, "This had better be better than Asimov, and quickly".

I wasn't so hooked with revs 3 & 4 as with the first two revisions which, with only the eye moving, seemed to promise a different slant from Asimov.

By the way, the mention of only the eye moving as it tracks his movements is for me more menacing than, in revs 3 & 4, telling us the andoid hadn't moved until now.

Hope this helps,
Pat

[This message has been edited by TaleSpinner (edited July 11, 2008).]

I think we're going round in circles, here - every new version has things I do and don't like, and things that have replaced other things from earlier versions that I'd like reverted, etc. Something isn't quite right no matter what you try, it seems, so maybe a new starting point is the answer after all.

(oh, I didn't think 'I, Robot' this time, if that helps)

It's moved away, methinks.

If the plot turns out to be, "This one's different and what shall we do about it?" then we're back with a common Asimov theme. But then, anything with robots in it necessarily competes with Asimov.

It's a little different in that Asimov's robots were always, IIRC, drawn sympathetically. If they were bad, they were so as a clear result of human error. They were accidentally dangerous, not wilfully so.

This story has the android "field-contained" and immediately threatens "termination rods". I think Asimov liked his creations too much to treat them this way ;-)

"Aaron Tanaka looked through the holding cell’s window at the thousands of androids suspended from hooks in the bay, synced to their virtual training world."

I hope this picture still makes it into the story, though.

In these versions, we have the extremely unengaging activity of the two sitting. This is followed by a thus-far emotionless interviewer asking an android, about which we have no descriptions or background yet, "Do you know why I'm here?"

This is all pretty clinical. "Are you like the others," is a bit more engaging, but sounds more half curious, half rhetorical than something potentially intriguing.