This story has been bounced from a couple of magazines, wouldn't mind a critique on both the 1st 13 (which I know is weak) and the story overall. It's been through critters.

Thanks,

Nick

Helene vomited as she squatted under the stream of water from the showerhead. The vomit swirled down the drain, the colour of it green and wrong. She lacked the strength to stand. Instead, she stayed squatting on the tiles, letting the water pour over her.
After a while, she gathered the strength drag herself to the mirror. The thin bird-ribs, her hollow face with her cheekbones blade-sharp. Her bald little head and the flat traverse of chest where her breasts used to be, the two purple jagged scars in parallel curls on her sallow skin.
She cast the prayer out to the void, _please, I don’t want to die. I’ll do anything._ It was not answered.

But, I kept waiting to find out what put her in that condition. By the time I got to "little bald head", I figured it was a byproduct of chemotherapy necessitated by cancer, but, to me, that doesn't really place it as a 'horror'-classified story. To get me reading further, I would definitely like to know the why of her condition before I get past the 13 line mark.

Hope that makes sense to you.

S!
S!...C!

This opening line's a little long and clunky for my liking. Consider: 'Helene vomited. She was squatting under the shower with her head between her legs. The vomit swirled down the drain, the colour of it green and wrong.'

'She lacked the strength to stand.'

This is a little telling. Consider: 'Her legs ached. Through the dizziness she could barely see her feet.'

'After a while, she gathered the strength drag herself to the mirror.'

This isn't as powerful as it could be, and I feel you're glossing a little, and thereby stealing part of the experience from me. Consider: 'She breathed deeply, felt the nausea subside a little. Then, planting her hands firmly on her knees, she managed to stand. The mirror wasn't far away--just close enough for her to stumble towards it.'

'The thin bird-ribs, her hollow face with her cheekbones blade-sharp. Her bald little head and the flat traverse of chest where her breasts used to be, the two purple jagged scars in parallel curls on her sallow skin.'

I'm thinking you should separate these thoughts with either full stops or semi-colons, rather than commas, as otherwise you've comma-spliced twice. These clauses are all fragments, and seem to be leading towards a climax, but then just end in a full stop. Perhaps:

'The thing bird-ribs; her hollow face with her cheekbones blade-sharp; her bald little head and the flat traverse of chest where her breasts used to be; the two purple jagged scars in parallel curls on her sallow skin--she was a mess.'

Alternatively:

'The thin bird-ribs. Her hollow face with her cheekbones blade-sharp. Her bald little head and the flat traverse of chest where her breasts used to be. The two purple jagged scars in parallel curls on her sallow skin. She was a mess.'

That way, you avoid the comma-splice (which editors hate), and you're building up to something definite.

'She cast the prayer out to the void, _please, I don’t want to die. I’ll do anything._ It was not answered.'

I'd probably begin the 'please' with a capital letter, as thoughts are essentially a type of dialogue. Also, consider 'her prayer' rather than 'the prayer', as the latter suggests this is a special prayer used by others, whereas 'her prayer' makes it more personal and desperate.

These are all just quick suggestions, but you can probably come up with some better ideas.

Adam
xxx

Thanks for the feedback. Innesjen, on its way.

Regards,

quote:

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Helene vomited as she squatted under the stream of water from the showerhead.

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This is the first sentence, so unless you have some ulterior motive, I assume you want this to be strong. The word "as" often weakens ideas, and I think it does here. If your opening read:

"Helen squatted under the showerhead. She vomited."

Thanks for your feedback, greatly appreciated.

Regards,