here is something I was throwing around yesterday. I have a basis of a short story right now, but will have to see how it goes along. I started it out with the mindset of making it "film noir"-ish, but I think its coming out less cheesey thatn I wanted it to, which, I guess, isn't a bad thing.
Just looking for the regular comments and what not - Thanks!

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I swirled my shot of Jack in its glass while I sat waiting at the bar. Nights like this the cold would seep in under your skin and settle there like a parasitic infestation, contempt in annoying the hell out of you. Nights like this the only remedy was a stiff warm drink, or two, or if it was really bad out maybe even just pass me the Bottle bub and run the tab. Nights like this always allowed my mind to wander, and sooner than later I was reminiscing about Vinny.
It was late, probably around 11:30. Maybe not late for some, but the bar was empty save for a young couple, most likely down from the college, sitting in one corner. I watched them as their fingers intertwined over a guttering candle. They laughed and she playfully slapped at one of his hands all the while

quote:

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I swirled my shot of Jack [in its glass<--Where else would you swirl it? Usually a "shot" is in a shot-glass. When it's in a glass, it's usually either mixed or on the rocks.] while I sat waiting at the bar. Nights like this the cold would seep in under your skin and settle [there<--[Don't need this.] like a parasitic infestation, contempt in annoying the hell out of you. Nights like this<--[Redundant. Maybe just capitalize:T]he only remedy was a stiff [warm<--[Do you mean "warm drink" or that the drink warms the blood? If you mean the former, separate "stiff" and "warm" with a comma.] drink, or two[,<--[Period here and start the next with a capital: O]r if it was really bad [out maybe even just<--IMHO - Cut.] pass me the Bottle [bub<--[Doesn't add that much, and it does add some "cheese" to the sentence.] and run the tab. [Nights like this<--Way redundant. By now I'm annoyed that I don't know what "Nights like this" means. Is is rainy? Cold? The Calm before the storm?] always allowed my mind to wander, and sooner than later I was reminiscing about Vinny.[Eh? Who's Vinny, anmd what's he got to do with "Nights like this?]
It was late, probably around 11:30. [Maybe not late for some, but<--[Takes me out of the story. Let's me know I'm being "told" a story. Suggest just capitalizing T] the bar was empty save for a young couple, most likely down from the college, sitting in one corner. I watched them as their fingers intertwined over a guttering candle. They laughed and she playfully slapped at one of his hands all the while looking each other intently in the eyes - something I hadn’t been able to [do?] for almost a year.

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I like noir. I know it's a genre built on cliches, but all the more reason to shatter that mold.

I'm lacking any element. What kind of story is this?

You mention "Vinny" to raise question and then drop him out of the picture.

Those are the main problems I noticed.

Nice voice.

As Jesse D has identified, this kind of voice is really hard to get without slipping into parody. As the others have identified as well, there's not much hint as to what the story's going to be about, though I'm presuming the hook of the opening 13 will emerge as you write the story.

One thing that didn't work for me was the early simile "...like a parasitic infestation, contempt in annoying the hell out of you." It brought me right out of the story and, for me, it didn't quite get the image you were probably working for. It might have been strong enough for other people.

Otherwise, the voice is good, but it's probably much too early to tell how it's going to work out. At the moment I wouldn't read on, but it's probably a matter of finetuning.

Regards,

I might read on, but that sentence has really jarred me. Hope this helped .

Here's one e-zine's (The Back Alley, http://www.backalleywebzine.com/) description of the difference:

"The discussion, even among those who are well-read in these literary forms, surrounding just what constitutes hardboiled or noir fiction is ongoing, often confrontational, and seldom results in anything resembling agreement. Basically, hardboiled crime fiction involves a stronger description of violence, sex, and contains harsher language than you might find in traditional crime fiction. The protagonist more often than not is a private investigator. This investigator may fall under the tradition of Chandler's Marlowe and his successors such as Lew Archer and Spenser, in which the crimes are vicious but the detectives are not. They may more closely resemble the work of Carroll John Daly or Mickey Spillane, where the detective is as likely to engage in violence as the criminals are.

Noir stories often defy description, except that you are aware from the beginning that the protagonist and those around him are probably doomed no matter what they do to prevent it. The source of their damnation is their own personal weaknesses and frailties. They give in to temptation and, as in the story of Adam and Eve, their own choices condemn them. Greed, avarice, lust, and envy figure heavily in noir stories. Often, the noir protagonist believes him(her)self to be virtuous or to be acting correctly. It is only later that they discover that their decisions - well-meaning or not - have led to their undoing."

Your call, but I think you're sounding hard boiled.

I didn't realize there was a hardboiled genre, but it sounds cool. I don't know if I want to make it a dark or graphic story, but it would seem to possibly fit better under that genre. (FYI Igwiz I couldn't get your link to work, but I trust that's where your quote is from.) Hardboiled, Noir, whichever its placed in doesn't matter so much to me.

I have revised taking into consideration everyone's comments. (IB I always mean to ask when you comment- when you ad Eh? Who's Vinny, and what's he got to do with "Nights like this? are you saying its making you ask that question and is a hook and want to read on, or are you saying WTF is this doing here, its stupid to put that in?)

Thanks, here's the revision:

I swirled my shot of Jack and sat waiting at the bar. Nights like this the cold seeped in under your skin and settled like a parasite, content in annoying the hell out of you. Nights like this the only remedy is a stiff drink, or two, or if it’s really bad out maybe even “just pass me the Bottle, Bub and let the tab run.” Nights like this always allowed my mind to wander, and sooner than later I was reminiscing about Vinny.
I downed my drink (here’s to you Vinny) and pushed the glass over to the bartender. He filled it up again without looking up to me. I let the glass sit and glanced at the crumpled piece of paper next to it. I had found it stuck between the windshield and wiper of my car that morning. No need to unravel it, I had read it a hundred times throughout the day. 11:30 PINTY’S ON

By the way, the "Nights like this" is still very redundant.

quote:

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I swirled my shot of Jack and sat waiting at the bar. Nights like this the cold seeped in under your skin and settled like a parasite, content in annoying the hell out of you. Nights like this the only remedy is a stiff drink, or two[, or if it’s really bad out maybe even “just pass me the Bottle, Bub and let the tab run.”<--[I have the same problems with this as before.] Nights like this always allowed my mind to wander, and sooner than later I was reminiscing about Vinny. [Except the first sentence, the entire paragraph begins with "Nights like this".]
I downed my drink (here’s to you Vinny) and pushed the glass over to the bartender.<--[Nice characterization. No slamming the shot glass down for him.] He filled it up again without looking [up to<--[at] me. I let the glass sit and glanced at the crumpled piece of paper next to it. I had found it stuck [between the windshield and wiper<--[Maybe just under the windshield wiper[/b] would be less cumbersome.[/b]] of my car that morning. [No need to unravel it,<--[No need for this when it's followed by:] I had read it a hundred times throughout the day. 11:30 PINTY’S ON 43rd ST. – I KNOW ABOUT MALHAVEN

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