posted
The angel and demon made love beneath the purple starlit skies. The clouds before the moon thinned and parted, allowing it to splendidly spotlight their forbidden love. Their bodies shimmered with every delicate motion, every touch and kiss glowing through the surrounding purple nocturne. Cavyn stroked Lyssa's golden hair with his clawed, supple hand as he entered her gently trembling skin. The night was untouched by the soft thrashing of their virgin bodies; as untouched as it was by the dark clouds which drifted through its warm shroud; as untouched as it would have been by Cavyn and Lyssa's births, deaths, or rebirths. Lyssa noticed this with beautiful eyes widened, gazing upwards as if entranced. It did not disturb her. She smiled at Cavyn. He returned her kiss with a faintly curling
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 18, 2008).]
My first thought upon reading this is that the description is much too dense for my personal taste and this stops me from feeling any sense of momentum in your 1st 13. There's no upfront conflict, just a description of them making love.
I'm pretty sure that 90% of the time a block of description up front is a killer in the slush pile. There's always exceptions, but it doesn't help that you're essentially describing a sex scene. Sex scenes are the one thing that I think should be underwritten as they're hard to take seriously otherwise.
The idea of an angel and a demon making love is an okay starting point, but the concept has been covered many times before, so it has to have a strong hook right up front. At the moment, there's not a hook and I personally don't like the style. It may work for a lot of other people, but regardless of personal preferences, I do think the hook needs to be stronger.
posted
My comments are all on personal preferences. To start with, I felt awkward coming into a love scene knowing little about the characters. I felt like I was intruding.
Regarding word choice, I felt "purple" set a tone incongruous with the scene. For a love scene, I expect "violet", "orchid", "dusky", or more description on the impression of the purple. Other descriptions in your lines came across far better.
Farther down, I didn’t understand at first what Lyssa noticed. I read the previous sentence several times to make a connection.
I would consider reading more of the story because of the novelty of an angel and demon together. I haven’t seen that in a written work before.
posted
A novel concept, but it somehow doesn't grab me. You did put in some action... Cavyn stroked Lyssa's golden hair with his clawed, supple hand as he entered her gently trembling skin. which is a plus. I felt as if you overwrote this thirteen lines trying to set a mood. It seems a little forced. Using untouched three times in one sentence didn't help. I suggest you try again, but this time use some dialog so we can identify with these characters. We want to be part of the story, not voyuers that just happen to be looking at the wrong time.
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posted
Hm... the writing was a bit thick and lofty for my taste. While the union of an angel and demon is intriguing, and I'd be curious to see what happens (can't be good, I'm thinking), I'm not entirely engaged, largely because of the overly descriptive tone and the remote viewing experience. Much of the love feels very generic and too abstract to be compelling to me. Also, I, too, am made a bit uncomfortable stepping into a love scene, immortal creatures not withstanding.
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