posted
Trying to write more short stories, this is the second in a row, not finished yet, but wouldn't mind feedback on the first 13 lines.
Constance found nothing more annoying than the sound of her husband’s laugh as heard through a stone wall. It had taken her a long while to realise this, originally she had thought it was just his laugh, perhaps because it had been so many years since she had heard it in the same room, not since they had been carefree children, but then the other day, for the first time in years, he had laughed with her and she had not minded the sound. When he laughed in the other rooms she could not help but feel he was laughing at her. She was the heir to an entire Empire, but no one considered a woman capable, therefore being her husband made William the next Emperor in reality if not in name.
quote:It had taken her a long while to realise this, originally she had thought it was just his laugh, perhaps because it had been so many years since she had heard it in the same room, not since they had been carefree children, but then the other day, for the first time in years, he had laughed with her and she had not minded the sound.
Longest. Sentence. Ever. Please, please cut it up into smaller ones (see my suggestion below). Also, while technically a subordinate clause, 'originally she had thought it was just his laugh' actually looks like a comma splice at first glance. I would stick something like 'since' before 'originally', or use another kind of punctuation for parenthesis. Anyway:
quote:It had taken her a long while to realise this - originally she had thought it was just his laugh. It had been so many years since she had heard it in the same room (not since they had been carefree children). But then the other day, for the first time in years, he had laughed with her, and she had not minded the sound.
There are countless different ways of punctuating that extract (this is just a quick example), but having it all in one sentence is too much. There are eight clauses there. Incidentally, with my example above, there should really be a comma after 'But then', but it gets a little choppy if you add that comma. Actually, in that instance, I'd suggest cutting out 'the other day' to solve the problem (I just didn't want to alter your prose if possible, though I had to cut 'perhaps because' for it to make sense with new punctuation - it was either cut it, or lengthen it to 'perhaps it was because').
As for the story, I do feel a little for the plight of this woman (stuck in a seemingly loveless marriage, all but stripped of her future powers), but I'm not really sure what to think. Am I supposed to hate her evil power-grabbing husband who spends all day away from her, or go on 'and she had not minded the sound', and hope for a reconciliation between semi-estranged husband and wife? Equally, you've used up a lot of your 13-lines with describing the laughter, and so all we're really left with is 'woman [who is soon to be] in power is superceded by her husband', which is a fairly common problem.
I guess the problem is, I can't see what the hook here is, and if it's not in the first 13, I'm not sure that the writing is engaging enough to keep me reading until I come across it. I do think repunctuating that long sentence would really help, though.
Anyway, hope this helped, Daniel.
[This message has been edited by bluephoenix (edited August 18, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by bluephoenix (edited August 18, 2008).]
posted
I agree with bluephoenix; cut a bit out about the laughter, and tell us more about the woman and her situation. I'll look forward to reading a revised thirteen.
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posted
Consider beginning the story with the last sentence: She was the heir to an entire Empire, but no one considered a woman capable, therefore being her husband made William the next Emperor in reality if not in name.
You could then work in some of the laughing-through-the-walls bits in soon after as the story progresses.
I tripped over the end of that sentence, though. I think it needs a semicolon prior to 'therefore', and making that part more active would help, I think: ...therefore, William was the the next Emperor in reality if not in name.
posted
I'm going to be in the minority again with your piece in saying I like the opening bit about the laughter. I think it could work better if you put more emotion into it, maybe, or brought it to a higher focus. But to me it's much more original and evocative of character than simply telling us that she was heir to the empire but no one considered a woman capable blah blah blah. This describes thousands of fantasies, in my opinion. I'd rather hear about the laugh. I do think you could trim it down to a couple lines and move the story forward more quickly. Or maybe give a glimpse of her, in the hall way, clenching her fists as her husband's rolling laughter rises again from behind the door of his chambers, or something like that.
I just finished reading your other piece, and realized there is a Constance mentioned in there. Is this the same lady?
posted
Yes Anne, you discovered my secret. This is my main problem trying to practice short stories when I've always written novels, I keep going: "Hey, that person has a pretty cool story of their own, maybe I should tell it." (Even in novels I have to force myself to limit the number of POVs). Of course I have promised myself that the stories must be able to be read independantly of each other.
Thankyou everyone for the feedback (and in advance for any future feedback). I know first 13s are not my strong point (see any of my First 13 challenge entries after week 2), but I can't for the life of me improve them without someone else telling me what is wrong with them.
I'll post a new First 13 when I finish the story (hopefully soon, I don't think I am even going to meet the 'story a fortnight' goal I gave myself.
Grant
[This message has been edited by Grant John (edited August 20, 2008).]
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