posted
Ok, I cannot believe that it has taken me this long to figure out that *this* is where we post fragments of completed short stories. I mean, after all, the Forum is only titled "Fragments and Feedback for Short Stories". What an idiot I am! Sigh. So now that I have reached this epiphany, I have a story to post. It's ~1600 words, short fantasy. Its done, just been sitting for a month or so (like I said, idiot much?). Let me know if anyone would like to read the rest. Here's the 13.
“C’mon, you know it’ll be good to see them.” He tossed the suitcases in the trunk. “It’s been 40 years since we’ve been back. Since you’ve seen them, right?” “Has it been that, really?” She looked at him. He had looked so good on the street that morning. Hopeful, promising. She hadn’t even hesitated when two weeks later he asked her to come along. She closed the trunk. “It just doesn’t seem that long ago.” But it had been. Each year she looked for the letter that didn’t come. After a few years she had stopped expecting, but never stopped hoping. When Michael handed the letter to her last week and she read the return address, all the old hopes flooded back.
[This message has been edited by LAJD (edited August 31, 2008).]
posted
You've got an intriguing emotional tension going on that would keep me reading a little longer. But "She looked at him. He had looked so good..." really tells me nothing. Are these bits necessary? If so, they need to be reworded, rephrased, so that they convey interesting information about action and/or character.
Also, the first 13 could take place anywhere, anytime, so I'm wondering what the fantasy element is and how quickly the story gets to it.
The situation interests me enough to take a look at the rest. Please, send it on.
posted
OK, re-edited and ready for a new look. Its now ~1800 words and is fantasy. Comments? Thanks Leslie
“C’mon, you know it’ll be good to see them.” Michael tossed the suitcases into the trunk of the beat up Chrysler. “It’s been 40 years since you’ve seen them, right?” “Has it been that long, really?” He had looked so promising on the street that morning leaning on this same car. There was something different about this boy from all the others who had passed through her small town. She hardly hesitated when two weeks later he asked her to come along. Her responsibility to her Mom and sisters tugged on her, she knew she should have stayed but Michael laid escape at her feet like a gift from the gods. She hadn’t looked back; at least not for a few years. She closed the trunk. “It just doesn’t seem that long ago.” But it had been. Each year she looked for the letter that
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 08, 2008).]
posted
Wow! Lots of changes. Now it sounds like they just need to be smoothed out. I'd still like to work with you on this one, but since I know what happens, I may not be able to look at it with fresh eyes. It's up to you, of course, but I'll look at the new draft whenever you like. "trunk of the beat up Chrysler" - yes!
[This message has been edited by C L Lynn (edited September 08, 2008).]
posted
It's a gentle hook, but I would turn the page. I had some confusion about the sequence:
“C’mon, you know it’ll be good to see them.” Michael tossed the suitcases into the trunk of the beat up Chrysler. “It’s been 40 years since you’ve seen them, right?” “Has it been that long, really?” He had looked so promising on the street that morning leaning on this same car Okay, I thought that this was just earlier this morning. There was something different about this boy from all the others who had passed through her small town. She hardly hesitated when two weeks later he asked her to come along.Okay, this isn't two weeks from present story time but two weeks from forty years ago, right? I had to read it twice to get that. I wasn't sure how far back the flashback was supposed to go. Her responsibility to her Mom and sisters tugged on her, she knew she should have stayed but Michael laid escape at her feet like a gift from the gods. She hadn’t looked back; at least not for a few years It's only until this point I realized how I was supposed to interpret the "He had looked..." Then I had to go back and reread to make sure I'd parsed it all correctly. She closed the trunk. “It just doesn’t seem that long ago.” But it had been. Each year she looked for the letter that
posted
The time shift confused me also ('that morning' and 'two weeks later'). It reads better after your edits, and drew me into it enough to keep reading awhile longer.
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