posted
Here are the 13 opening lines of a WIP I have tenatively titled "The Gift" until something smarter comes to mind. I have a couple of consecutive pages written, and since the 13 lines is a tad shorter than my opening "hook", I'd be willing to offer them to anyone willing to sink their teeth into them.
Just FYI, I'm not sure yet, if this is going to be a short story or something longer...
Miral was as different from Niigata as it was from Takahara, where Dr. Rian Janson had spent most of the last 10 years of his life. He saw the one familiar thing standing on the far side of the rail platform and walked toward it while staring about like a stupid tourist. “Strange earth beneath my feet, strange weather and strange sky,” He said, “I suppose this all seems like home to you,” he addressed the man standing opposite, who seemed surprisingly calm and unemotional after several years apart. //Yes, it does… But I’ve been gone so long… //Jan said, accompanied by the full flood of emotion not visible on his face. Rian, caught off guard, stumbled for a second, insides
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 05, 2008).]
Edit: Taking some of the advice I've received into consideration I've edited the opening. Again I have several consequtive pages completed if anyone's interested.
The planet Miral was as different from Niigata where he had been born, as it was from Takahara, where Dr. Rian Janson had spent most of the last 10 years of his life. Rian saw the only familiar thing on this world so far, in the form of a man standing on the far side of the monorail platform. He walked toward him while staring about like a stupid tourist. The station itself was a transparent castle of steel and glass, less open to the elements than it looked and more impressive. The station was surrounded on all sides by a horizon of snow-covered mountains. The tracks disappeared into wild virgin pine forests, the likes of which Rian had never seen in his life. Going from mud brick and stone houses to this was culture shock indeed!
[This message has been edited by Lyrajean (edited September 09, 2008).]
posted
Miral was as different from Niigata as it was from Takahara, where Dr. Rian Janson had spent most of the last 10 years of his life. He saw the one familiar thing standing on the far side of the rail platform and walked toward it while staring about like a stupid tourist. “Strange earth beneath my feet, strange weather and strange sky,” He said, “I suppose this all seems like home to you,” he addressed the man standing opposite, who seemed surprisingly calm and unemotional after several years apart. //Yes, it does… But I’ve been gone so long… //Jan said, accompanied by the full flood of emotion not visible on his face. Rian, caught off guard, stumbled for a second, insides feeling like mashed peas. The door in his head closed as quickly as it had opened.
OK, three place names in the first line is a real risk, especially if those places are not familiar to a reader. For me, it really doesn't work here. I don't know the relevance, I don't know why the MC is here, and I'm not even sure he's alive (you say "the last 10 years of his life" - I suspect you mean "last" as "most recent" rather than "final", but it's ambiguous and ambiguity is rarely your friend in an opening unless it's an integral part of the story. I'd suggest just "the past ten years" if that' actually what you mean).
You say he saw "one familiar thing" and "it" and then he talks to a person. Again, ambiguity - is the thing the same as the person? Don't tease us by calling a person a thing - that kind of "reveal" doesn't serve any purpose, again unless there is a real reason why the MC would think of the person as a "thing".
I'm assuming you're representing telepathic communication, but you use "said"; yet again, ambiguity/lack of clarity. Overall, I am spending too much time trying to work out whether you really mean what you say you're meaning, and that's completely distracting me from getting at the actual story here.
posted
Yeah, I was a little confused to. I suggest writing the whole thing out before you start tinkering with it, however.
My two cents:
Miral was as different from Niigata as it was from Takahara Though this comparison gives us insight on your character, I really wonder if it's the right way to start. I'm familiar with Niigata, so I suspect I'm ahead of many readers. For most, the comparison will be meaningless because they've never been to either city., where Dr. Rian Janson had spent most of the last 10 years of his life. He saw the one familiar thing standing on the far side of the rail platform and walked toward it while staring about like a stupid tourist. “Strange earth beneath my feet, strange weather and strange sky,” He said, “I suppose this all seems like home to you,” he addressed the man standing opposite, who seemed surprisingly calm and unemotional after several years apart Hm, okay, confused here. What is the familiar thing he's walking toward? Let's start with that. Otherwise, this guy seems to come out of no where. Is he the familiar object? If so, why are you calling him an object? If he's a robot then maybe just tell us that right away, or then don't call him a man on second reference. In this case, withholding information is not helping your story. It's not creating suspense, only the kind of dislodging confusion.. //Yes, it does… But I’ve been gone so long… //Jan said Okay, if he's not actually saying this but sending it or whatever maybe look for a more precise verb to avoid confusion for your readers, accompanied by the full flood of emotion not visible on his face Maybe give us a hint of what the emotion is? Sadness? Happiness? Might help the story here. Rian, caught off guard, stumbled for a second, insides
Okay, I'm not drawn in here. I'm too confused about the basics of what's happening.
posted
As I was reading that first line I assumed Miral was the pov and Niigata was another person. It wasn't until I reach the "it" that I learned I was wrong. Now this may seem excusable, but it's not. It is the first hint that -- to me -- the writer is not going to be clear in her/his writing. You get off on the wrong foot and I am leery of trusting you.
Then -- to me - the rest of these lines proves my initial feeling correct. You talk about one familiar thing and don't make it clear what it is. Then the pov goes and talks to an unnamed man about topics I have no clear idea what he means.
To me...this is not working because I'm at sea. I don't know what is going on here. Where here is. Why I should care about any of this.
Sorry to be so negative.
[This message has been edited by arriki (edited September 06, 2008).]
I like the second attempt much better than the first, but I think it could still be that little bit sharper. As with most other readers, I'm not familiar with any of the names and this makes the first sentence a little bit confusing. How much do you really need the names of the cities (i.e. why not just say it's different to where he was born and where he's lived)? If you want them to establish cultural background and how provincial his life is, let it come through dialogue or some other means...for 90% of people, the names are meaningless unless you establish context. My gut feel is that they won't be that important if you characterise your protag well (i.e. show his naivity).
It seems to me that the hook lies within the fact that there's a man at the station and he's the first person your protag has seen his entire time on the planet. Emphasize this and make sure it's not lost in description of Miral. That can come later IMO.
quote:The planet Miral was as different from Niigata where he had been born, as it was from Takahara, where Dr. Rian Janson had spent most of the last 10 years of his life. Rian saw the only familiar thing on this world so far, in the form of a man standing on the far side of the monorail platform. He walked toward him while staring about like a stupid tourist. The station itself was a transparent castle of steel and glass, less open to the elements than it looked and more impressive. The station was surrounded on all sides by a horizon of snow-covered mountains. The tracks disappeared into wild virgin pine forests, the likes of which Rian had never seen in his life. Going from mud brick and stone houses to this was culture shock indeed!
The first sentence now gives us more information, but it feels very clumsy and I'm still yet to be convinced of the relevance of it as a starting point for this story. "A was as different from B as it was from C"... yes. Fine. But so what? You do a much better job of conveying the difference just after this, by showing me, not telling me (though when you show me, please take out the exclamation mark. Exclamation marks are very rarely your friend, even inside dialogue, let alone outside it).
One other note - the title. I know many editors who will grit their teeth receiving such a submission. It won't necessarily stop them buying it, but it may make them read it in a slightly more negative light. There's no real mystery to a title like "The Gift" (even if we are led through the story to think of the gift as one thing, and discover it's something else). Titles are part of the hook of your story. When you glance down the contents of a magazine, are you going to immedately go "hey, here's one called "The Gift", that sounds really exciting!" Even when you're published, you're in competition against other stories to attract a reader. Simple "The Something" titles very very rarely work (yes, someone will now quote "The Thing" as an example of an exception, although the original IIRC was "The Thing From Another World" - and most people know "The Thing" was a remake).
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