Adding yet another version, remembered something I wanted to add in there

New Version:

Even Newer Version

The carnival had come to town. Scotty felt butterflies of excitement in his stomach as he watched them set up, imagining the music of the carousel and the calliope, the smell of cotton candy and hot dogs.
Out in the field, he saw the calliope go by. It was huge, with red and yellow stripe. The man pushing it was tall, with blond hair to his shoulders. He wore crazy clothes with patches of all different colors, and a long red and yellow scarf. His fingers were always straying down to the keys of the calliope, as if he was impatient to be playing. The man looked toward Scotty with bright green-blue eyes.
Scotty waved, and the man caught sight of Scotty and smiled. Then he looked down. The smile dropped from his face, and he looked away.

Newest Version

Scotty felt rainbow-winged butterflies of excitement in his stomach as he watched the carnival setting up. Scotty sat on his usual rock on the edge of town—he always stopped here to rest his bad leg—and imagined the sound of the carousel and the calliope, the smell of cotton candy and hotdogs.
Out in the field, he saw the calliope go by. It was huge, with red and yellow stripe. The man pushing it was tall, with blond hair to his shoulders. He wore crazy clothes with patches of all different colors, and a long red and yellow scarf. Scotty noticed that the man’s fingers kept straying down to the keys of the calliope, as if he was impatient to be playing. The man looked toward Scotty with bright green-blue eyes.
Scotty waved, and the man caught sight of Scotty and smiled.

>so he was excited to see one.

Telling.

You could show us he was excited...

>His heart began flutter as he imagined the smell of hot dogs and cotton candy, and the sounds of the carousel and the calliope.

...or something along those lines.

I am not sure what a 'calliope' is, but that may be just me.

The prose is good, but I have seen stuff that you have written that I thought was better.

The old chestnut...no conflict or hook. The boy has a bad leg, the clown has weird clothes, otherwise not sense of the direction things may go, even in the very short term.

I'm aware of your thoughts on 13 line hooks, but if you wrote it so Scotty had a stronger desire to get closer NOW (can't see much from the rock), and had to stop because of the pain in his leg you would have a subtle hook that the reader would want to follow--will he manage to get closer and see them setting up? If that is what you intended to do and I missed it, then it was too subtle for me.

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I am not sure what a 'calliope' is, but that may be just me.

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It's basically a sort of steam-organ musical insrument. It forces steam through pipes...basically akin to train whistles, and is played via a keyboard.

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I'm aware of your thoughts on 13 line hooks, but if you wrote it so Scotty had a stronger desire to get closer NOW (can't see much from the rock), and had to stop because of the pain in his leg you would have a subtle hook that the reader would want to follow--will he manage to get closer and see them setting up? If that is what you intended to do and I missed it, then it was too subtle for me.

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Thats a pretty good idea really, however 1) I don't really envision it being that far away and 2) very shortly everyone is going to experience a very strong desire to be there.

That being said, and despite my belief that subject matter is the main hook to a story and that many stories just arent going to have conflict in the first few sentences, you have given me some ideas.

This story is one of those istances where I know the importat stuff, the thrust of what happens...its just setting it up and getting it there...

I wonder if anyone will guess what it is..

I do feel that you're a bit wordy and might try for simpler, better ways, to get your story across. Like for instance your first sentence, "Scotty sat on a rock at the edge of (a) big field just outside of town and watched as the carnival set up." That's a lot of information for just one sentence. Does the reader really need to know that Scotty is at the edge of a big field, is the use of 'big" really needed here. If it is then go ahead and keep using it; I only have 13 lines here. And does the reader really need to know that Scotty is just outside of town? Or can that be told later on?

I also think you 'tell' a lot more than 'show.' Why not start with Scotty walking and then sit on that rock, because his legs hurt instead of spending three sentences going into the past.

I think your story starts working towards the right direction in the second paragraph. This paragraph is more in the moment and the writing is active. If you wanted to, you could cut the first paragraph and work all that information in later. Anyways good idea, and good luck with the rest.

The opening sentence is weak and ineffective. While it gives me a general idea of what is going on, it does not ground me in setting or character. You essentially have to start over with the next sentence. Good openings (and all good writing) lead the reader on to the next sentence. Even if you're just hooking me with the idea of a carnival, I'm not in the story enough. Show me Scotty seeing the carnival. Don't vaguely tell me the carnival had come to town.

Also, that opening sentence makes it seem like the carnival is in full swing, not just setting up.

Concision = good. Every extra word is another burden on the reader. In strong POV you don't need phrases like "he saw." If someone smiles at someone, I'll assume that they looked at them first.

I am curious to see why a carny would be made to feel guilty or ashamed by a single child waving. (Although you told me in a previous post).

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'Butterflies danced in his stomach.' But butterflies in the stomach is major cliche. Find another way to say it

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I'm of a mind that some tmes trying to hard to avoid "cliches" can be "cliche" in itself.

What other phrase would you suggest as appropriate for a thirteen year old from the early thirties?

How do you think of that feeling when you experience it?

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Skadder had a good point. I have a general idea of what a Calliope is, but I can't picture one. This description isn't enough. Describe it so that anyone could picture it

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I see your point, and its a valid one. Its one of those circumstances, though, where i think it likely that if I was to go into a descreption of the calliope, someone else would say "we know what a calliope is you don't have to spend words shoing us." :-) Its very interesting the different...hmm...priorities? different people have.

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Becomes: "Strayed down." Scotty is only watching in this moment, how would he know what he "always" does.)

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Thanks for pointing that out...theres a reason its that way though.

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The opening sentence is weak and ineffective. While it gives me a general idea of what is going on, it does not ground me in setting or character

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Thats rather high expectations for a single sentence :-) However...

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Also, that opening sentence makes it seem like the carnival is in full swing, not just setting up.

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You're right about this, and I will have to fix it. Of course, the annoying thing is, fixing this will probably involve rewording almost the whole begining. Perhaps I shall cut right to his being excited at seeing the carnival setting up...

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In strong POV you don't need phrases like "he saw." If someone smiles at someone, I'll assume that they looked at them first.

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I was under the impression they were always necessary except perhaps in total first-person, but I guess I was mistaken. And that probably actually makes it easier, so thanks for pointing that out.

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I am curious to see why a carny would be made to feel guilty or ashamed by a single child waving. (Although you told me in a previous post).

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Hmmm I don't remember that. Its not the waving thats the problem anyway...its what the calliope man sees when he looks down.

Anyway thanks for taking the time to comment in detail. I'm not as big on the importance of the first 13 as most here, but that first sentence is going to have to go at some point...

"Scotty felt butterflies of excitement in his stomach"

I think one way to avoid the butterflies in the stomach line sounding cliche might be to add a creative adjective before the word butterflies, or a simile or metaphor after it. Perhaps tying in the multi-colored wings of butterflies with the Calliope Man's multi-colored clothes?

"imagining the music of the carousel and the calliope, the smell of cotton candy and hot dogs."

This is probably just the poet in me, but I think adding a third line here, one which mentions another pair of sensory perceptions, would create a nice rhythm. Since you've already covered the senses of sight, sound, touch, and smell in this sentence, perhaps one last impression involving the sense of taste?

Regarding the definition of calliope (and I'm not attempting to alienate or insult anyone here whatsoever; please, please, please do not interpret the next statement this way) from someone who is often criticized for his verbosity, I am of the opinion that if someone doesn't know a word, they should look it up in the dictionary. I've been doing it since I was six years old. I have always found that it's easy to do, it's fun to learn new words, and its educational. Plus, after you've done it for a while, you won't have to look up as many words as you did before. This is something I don't usually mention, as it tends to make me sound like an asshole no matter how I word it and it goes against almost everyone's reading tastes and/or writing philosophies, but I thought I'd share it just this once.

In regards to the first sentence being too weak, I think just adding a simile or a further description might strengthen it. The preceding comment, about describing the carnival setting up rather than just saying the carnival had come to town, might be a good way to kill these two birds with one stone. I don't have a problem with the way it is now, however. I think you're going for short, simple, dramatic effect with it; if you are, it works fine that way, at least for me.

"His fingers were always straying down to the keys of the calliope, as if he was impatient to be playing. The man looked toward Scotty with bright green-blue eyes."

I love these new sentences. The first one is very vivid and full of implications, and the "bright, green-blue eyes" in the second one ties in nicely with the rest of the imagery containing mismatched colors.

Considering the source, these might not be the best suggestions or opinions in the world, at least not for a mainstream style, but I just thought I'd share them with you. Keep up the good work. Best regards,

Brant

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Regarding the definition of calliope (and I'm not attempting to alienate or insult anyone here whatsoever; please, please, please do not interpret the next statement this way) from someone who is often criticized for his verbosity, I am of the opinion that if someone doesn't know a word, they should look it up in the dictionary. I've been doing it since I was six years old. I have always found that it's easy to do, it's fun to learn new words, and its educational. Plus, after you've done it for a while, you won't have to look up as many words as you did before. This is something I don't usually mention, as it tends to make me sound like an asshole no matter how I word it and it goes against almost everyone's reading tastes and/or writing philosophies, but I thought I'd share it just this once.

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This is your reaction to coming across a new word, but I doubt it is the majority of readers reaction.

The point of mentioning to the author that a particular word is not known is to avoid anything that breaks the narrative flow. The term is to be 'kicked out of the story' when it does.

I think it is worth mentioning when a word isn't widely known (in your opinion). Other critters may then see this and mention they also don't know the word. If many people (writers) don't know the word, then the author should seriously consider changing it or weaving in an explanation.

While I am in not against people reaching for a dictionary--and many may, and I would encourage more to do so--a proportion will just move onto the next story.

Keeping readers is the aim of the game.

"Scotty felt rainbow-winged butterflies of excitement..."

I love this line, and, as someone who has personally had the experience of "feeling colors", I have no problem with it. Someone's probably going to bring it up, though. It can be explained further by utilizing the word "synesthesia", which means a combination of senses, such as "tasting sounds" or "seeing music". There's also a million other ways to expand upon it, as well, if you so choose. You could name a specific species of butterfly, one with various or even mismatched colors, for a more subtle effect, just do some research and you'll find something. Or have him make a connection in his imagination between the colors of the carnival and the colors of butterfly wings. It's a pretty damn cool image, though, no matter what.

Talk to you later,