Then a star flashed and his wife screamed. Verak covered his eyes with his arm and turned toward his house, “Lyessa!”

*

Verak opened his eyes and realized something was wrong. Fear gripped him when he realized that he couldn’t move and he was in some sort of hospital. There were several lines attached to him and the monitor beside his bed constantly beeped. He scanned around the room and noticed someone staring at him through a window. She smiled at him and waved...

quote:

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Verak stood outside his home and stared up into the night sky staring at the twinkling stars. (You need a comma. Also, why not separate some of these images. Show me him outside. Then show me what he's looking at.)He breathed in the cool night air and thanked Minui (,) the goddess of the night(,) for his good fortunes.(What good fortunes? Why not show me something specific?)

Then (Don't say "Then." If something else happens, I'll know it's "then.") a star flashed (A star in the sky? Is this more than a twinkle? Does it fill up the whole sky? Does it blind Verak?) and his wife screamed. (Verak has a wife? Where has she been? Is she inside? Is this related to the star?) Verak covered his eyes with his arm and turned toward his house (His wife is screaming and all he's doing is turning toward the house? Why isn't he running?), “Lyessa!”

*

Verak opened his eyes and realized something was wrong.(Understatement to the point of humor) Fear gripped him (Don't tell me fear gripped him. Make me feel the fear.) when he realized that he couldn’t move (Don't tell me he couldn't move. Show me him trying and not being able to.) and he was in some sort of hospital.(What does this mean? I thought we were in a fantasy world.) There were several lines attached to him (This could be stronger.) and the monitor beside his bed constantly beeped.(This is a separate idea. Why is it in the same sentence?) He scanned around the room and noticed someone staring at him through a window. (I'm still wondering what else is in this room. And if he's just noticing someone outside, I'm expecting more of a description than "someone.") She smiled at him and waved...

the poor guy all he was doing is looking at the stars and enjoying the cool night air...Is this your comment on your own story?

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I was confused the whole way through. Take a breath, slow down, make sure you're establishing you world. Showing rather than telling can be a good way of drawing the reader in. Be in your character's head. Show me what he sees. He doesn't see a star flash, he sees the sky fill with a blinding light. He doesn't see "someone" outside, he sees a grinning blonde wearing a black wedding dress (or whatever it is).

Really cool names, though.

Verak stood outside his home and stared up into the night sky staring at the twinkling stars. He breathed in the cool night air and thanked Minui the goddess of the night for his good fortunes.

Then a star flashed and his wife screamed. Verak covered his eyes with his arm and turned toward his house, “Lyessa!”

*

Verak opened his eyes and realized something was wrong. Fear gripped him when he realizedMaybe find a different verb to avoid repetition? that he couldn’t move and he was in some sort of hospital I'm not sure at this point how to gauge this. I for some reason thought he was in a somewhat primitive world earlier. Is it modern times? Future? Alien planet? Extending the first scene just a little would give us the setting and answer these (to me) crucial questions. There were several lines attached to him and the monitor beside his bed constantly beeped. He scanned around the room and noticed someone staring at him through a window. She smiled at him and waved...