posted
Kali sighed, her hellmouth sucking more life, more light, more space, and more time into her universe. She exhaled nothing but death, darkness, void, and nullity in return. Within the black hole of meditation which she was, she knew that the bounty hunter/messiah quested for her soul. The bounty hunter/messiah could likewise feel her breath vibrating in the air around him as he wandered the floating, spinning badlands of her mouth. It was one of her upper abysses, and he thusly experienced her torment in his brain and nervous system. He knew the fear. He lived the pain. If he had been in one of the lower abysses, he would not have perceived her suffering so strongly. Knowing this did not disturb him. Kali sensed this, and his indifference furthered her agony.
This one's finished and ready for polishing, if anyone's interested. Quasar D'Arete and the Centauri Strangler is done too. Metamorpheism remains a work in progress, but it does have a middle and a conclusion and reads like a complete story.
I've got five poems in my blog and the first chapter of my novel, Demonmachy, is on there, too, if you want to check them out. Demonmachy's complete and ready for polishing, too, if anyone's interested. Thanks all. Best regards,
Brant
[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited September 15, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited September 15, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 15, 2008).]
posted
I'm intrigued and would keep reading, but I can tell it wouldn't be a light read, that's for sure. I see that the POV switches a couple of times in one paragraph, and that throws me off a bit. You might consider starting a new paragraph when you switch the POV as a signal to the reader.
Posts: 968 | Registered: Sep 2008
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posted
Just a quick comment, your first sentence "Kali sighed, her hellmouth sucking more life, more light, more space, and more time into her universe." Is her hellmouth seperate from her "mouth" mouth? I get a contradicting image when I see her sighing and sucking.
posted
Thanks you two. Yes, I'll definitely start a new paragraph when I switch from Kali to the bounty hunter/messiah. Her hellmouth and "mouth" mouth are the same. I'll have to straighten that out. I need to keep the hellmouth part because it's a real word frequently used in mythological studies. Just wanted to clarify that in case you or anyone else are unfamiliar with the word, or thought I'd made it up myself. As far as the sighing, I'll change it to inhaled. I can see where the confusion is, as sighing involves breathing in and then out, but she did this one at a time after I wrote the word sighed.
I never give this character a name, and I once got feedback stating that the repeated use of the term bounty hunter/messiah becomes annoying. So, if anyone would like to vote on whether he should be given a name or not, please let me know your opinion. He'll still be referred to as the bounty hunter/messiah on occasion, but I would use his real name most of the time to prevent irritation and redundancy.
posted
I think you'd be fine just using one or the other. Either call them the Bounty Hunter or the Messiah - I don't think you need to name them
Posts: 303 | Registered: Oct 2007
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posted
Thanks Devnal, but he's actually a bounty hunter and messiah simultaneously, so that wouldn't work. I appreciate the thought, though.
I'm not satisfied with the name Kali because she's a real-life mythological character (oxymorons, anyone?). I want to make her a creature of my own making and rename her. I'm leaning towards Nihilistika. Other names I've dreamt up are Tartarea and Abyssis, and I'm also mulling a composite name which would be half Kali and half something else. Abyssis was her original name, but I think it sounds too much like the words abyss and abysses, which are used throughout the story. Opinions from everyone would be greatly appreciated. Thank you very much.
Brant
[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited September 16, 2008).]
just because they are both a Messiah and a Bounty Hunter doesnt mean you can't call them by only one.
eg. someone who is a Policeman/Volunteer Firefighter. You can call them a Policeman or a Volunteer Firefighter. Is it more fruitful to the story to have it known he is a Policeman and has Firefigher knowledge? Call him a Policeman; or does the story revolve around him being a Firefighter but parts of his Policeman training are vital to the story? Call him a the Volunteer Firefighter.
just musing, I am assuming the fact that they are both a Messiah and a Bounty hunter are important for the story.
AnD - i like Nihilistika
[This message has been edited by Devnal (edited September 16, 2008).]
posted
Be careful with Myspace, I believe what is posted there is considered published.
As for your 13 lines, I like your style. As for the syntax, it's a bit wordy for such a complex story. I would definitely work on simplifying your sentences. For instance your first sentence might sound better without the word, "more."
I would also give the bounty hunter/messiah a name, and let the reader know later on that he is a bounty hunter/messiah. I believe it is always in the writers best interest to keep his/her writing simple, so the reader can immerse him/herself into your story without trying to figure out what everything means.
One suggestion. Maybe tell your story solely from the bounty hunter/messiah's point of view, who may also have some connection to Kali that gives him the ability to understand what she is feeling.
Good luck.
[This message has been edited by Grijalva (edited September 16, 2008).]
posted
Thanks everyone. I went ahead and deleted the word "more" from the first line. Yeah, it is vital to the story that bounty hunter/messiah is always written like a single concept. I'm leaning towards giving him a real name too, though, and bounty hunter/messiah will be used as his secondary title and role in the universe. I don't know that I'm 100% on Nihilistika yet, but I did change it to that for now. Kalavi? I'll have to think about that. I was thinking something more like a combination word. I like using comic book character type names. Anyways, talk to you all later. Best regards,
Brant
[This message has been edited by Brant Danay (edited September 17, 2008).]
Abyssis inhaled the very cosmos through her Hellmouth, sucking more life, planets, stars, space, and time into her universe. She exhaled nothing but death, nullity, darkness, wormholes, and event horizons in return. Her breathing was as rhythmic as that of a yogi, and within the black hole of meditation which she was, she knew that the bounty hunter/messiah quested for her soul. The bounty hunter/messiah could likewise feel the breath of Abyssis on the wind as he wandered the floating, spinning badlands of her Hellmouth. The Hellmouth was one of her upper abysses, and he thusly experienced her torment in his mind and throughout his nervous system.
Question for Grijalva (or anyone else with knowledge on this subject)-With regards to posting material on MySpace, would even one chapter of a novel be regarded as previously published? I'm not so concerned about the poems, but if I were ever fortunate enough to find a publisher for my novel I would hate for there to be any snafus. If anyone can help me with this, it would be appreciated.
quote:With regards to posting material on MySpace, would even one chapter of a novel be regarded as previously published?
Yes, as far as that chapter goes. I think your real question is would a publisher turn down your novel on the basis of a chapter having been previously published? Possibly, I don't know. It is a fragment--a large one, definitely--but still a fragment of a novel.
We publish fragments of short stories here, and that is considered acceptable. I am sure there is an acceptable percentage with regards novels.
Ideally you avoid doing it, though.
There are websites that are members only, like critters.org, where you can get whole novels or parts thereof reviewed by other aspiring pros. The work is not publicly available and so is not considered published. I would check it out if you want to get opinions on something long.
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