posted
I suppose this story is somewhere between adventure/sci-fi. I haven't developed the setting on a larger level that much, the action is very localized.
Anyhow, I'd like to know whether anyone would continue reading this, and what I could do to improve it. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Jack was the only man left in the building. He realized that as he wandered into his favorite room after the afternoon’s skirmish, and he found that he didn’t exactly mind it. Not yet at least.
He sat down on the empty floor and reached into one of his pockets and withdrew a small, unlabeled can, which he opened with the pocket knife he had hidden in his right sneaker. He thought dully of dog food as he took notice of the odor.
It was all they’d managed to take after three days of raids, one can, and it was dog food. Although, he was glad he didn’t have to share it with anyone. His last companions had been taken that afternoon, and now, he alone was left.
Revised version:
Jack was the only man left in the building. The thought came to him as he wandered into his favorite room after the afternoon’s skirmish, and he found that he didn’t exactly mind it. Not yet at least.
He sat down on the empty floor and reached into one of his pockets and withdrew a small, unlabeled can, which he opened with the pocket knife he had hidden in his right sneaker. He thought dully of dog food as he took notice of the odor.
It was all they’d managed to take after three days of raids, one can of dog food. He was glad, though, that he didn’t have to share it. His last companions had been taken that afternoon, and now, he alone was left.
[This message has been edited by Kaz (edited September 20, 2008).]
posted
I think its a solid start. I would read on, I'd like to know what is going on in jack's world where food is so scare there is a raid for a can of dog food, and people are being taken away.
I did find the sentence structure a bit distracting though.
"Jack was the only man left in the building. He realized that as he wandered into his favorite room after the afternoon’s skirmish,and he found that he didn’t exactly mind it. Not yet at least."
After the afternoon's skirmish comes off funny. also, I feel like the period is in the wrong spot in these first two sentences. like we're finishing the thought of the first sentence and beginning anotherone half way through.
my take "Jack realized he was the only man left in the building as he wandered into his favorite room after the skirmish. He didn't exactly mind it, not yet anyway."
"It was all they’d managed to take after three days of raids, one can, and it was dog food."
and think you need a period after the word raids here, or a semi colon or something, I feel like im running through the sentence faster than I should with just comma's.
my take. "It was all they'd managed to take after three days of raids; one stinking can, and it was dog food."
"Although, he was glad he didn’t have to share it with anyone." Again, I think its just a matter of the way your sentences has been structured here. I think what you are saying is that although it was just dog food, he was glad he didn't have to share.
my take "Even so, he was glad he didn't have to share it with anyone."
sorry I don't like to change what someone has written, but I just wanted to put it into the sentence so you can see what I mean. I hope I grasped the meaning correctly and that it helps!
[This message has been edited by Devnal (edited September 19, 2008).]
posted
It's a good start. I would definitely keep reading.
I like the first sentence as it is, short and clear. The next sentence feels awkward but I'm not sure how to fix it. I'm tripping over the "that." Every time I come to it, my brain doesn't process it as referring to the previous sentence. I read it as a transitional word, like "He realized that he was alone" (forgive me for not knowing the exact grammatical term).
When you write that the room is empty, do you mean empty of people or of other stuff, such as furniture? If it's people, the word probably isn't necessary. If it's empty of everything, I'm wondering why that's his favorite room.
"he had hidden" could be cut, I think.
"Although, he was glad he didn't have to share it with anyone." That sentence doesn't flow as well as it could from the previous one. Maybe, "He was glad, though, that he didn't have to share it."
I've put up the revised version in the first post.
Also,
quote:When you write that the room is empty, do you mean empty of people or of other stuff, such as furniture? If it's people, the word probably isn't necessary. If it's empty of everything, I'm wondering why that's his favorite room."
I mean that the room is empty of everything. Perhaps I should make that clearer? As for the reason, I could provide it, but is it really necessary?
posted
I think you have a solid start. You do a good job of setting the scene and raising a lot of questions without withholding things the character knows.
One question I have: Is Jack the only one left from his raiding party? If so, it seems like the first sentences should be "Jack was the only one left. The building was empty." or something like that. It just seems important to me that the emphasis is not on the fact that the building is empty but that Jack is the last man standing. That to me is a lot stronger hook and raises the sense of urgency. As it is, it's not until the second paragraph that I start to worry about Jack and wonder what's taken all his friends. Then again, his casual attitude doesn't make him seem all that worried so maybe that's what you're going for.
In any case, I want to find out where his friends went and why he has to eat dog food. Some clue as to the setting (world, time period) would be good in the next few paragraphs. Keep up the good work!
quote:One question I have: Is Jack the only one left from his raiding party? If so, it seems like the first sentences should be "Jack was the only one left. The building was empty." or something like that. It just seems important to me that the emphasis is not on the fact that the building is empty but that Jack is the last man standing.
Ah, I worded it that way because I meant that Jack was literally the last man (read: male) standing; the double meaning becomes clear only a few paragraphs later.
As for time/place, that remains vague at best throughout the rest of the story as the action takes place solely within the confines of the building I mention.
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