posted
Eloise's pale thighs stuck to the leather seats of the rental car. She reached over and turned the air conditioner on, watching her husband out of the corner of her eye. She looked away, a satisfied smile on her face, and almost immediately Richard's hand moved over and turned the dial off, his eyes never moving from the road. “Open up a window, Lo.” She glared at him. “Are you kidding? It has to be one hundred degrees out there. The sun is beating on my legs and I'm hooott.” “The air conditioner wastes gas and it is a long way to California.
Posts: 12 | Registered: Sep 2008
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posted
Not bad and I'm intrigued. Your MC is married to a prude and she appears to be a bit mischievous. If that is waht you were after, well done.
Posts: 3072 | Registered: Dec 2007
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posted
Great job setting up the husband and wife's relationship. Picking something petty like the AC for the first spat is awesome as many married people can relate to that!
What genre are you writing? It's hard to see what momentous action can follow soon enough to hook readers if they are on a long road trip, but if you're writing a relationship-driven story then that might not be what you're aiming for.
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As far as setting the mood, well done. But I have no desire to read on as it seems just an ordinary day. No hint as to what may happen.
Posts: 1168 | Registered: Mar 2008
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posted
Nice start. Good way of setting up the relationship between the two of them. I would keep reading. One nitpick, and it's just a personal thing for me as a reader, is that the word "pale" -- as in "pale thighs" -- struck me wrong. Maybe it's just the word's placement in the first sentence. My very first impression of her, the one that is going to stick through the whole story, is that she has pale thighs.
Posts: 968 | Registered: Sep 2008
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The story itself isn't about their relationship, but it is a definite sub plot. The couple finds a cooler filled with money lying on the side of the road, and the story is about what they do with the cooler and what happens to them as a result of that decision.
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