posted
I don't really have a title for this story yet. I have written about 5,000 words of it so far and it's looking like it will be around 10k. I have just recently started writing so I'm hoping to get a little feedback, let me know if I'm doing it (Correctly?) I know that's subjective, but I'd love to hear any comments while I finish working on it. It's a Science fiction story as you should be able to notice and I'm a huge fan of Asimov shorts so I hope someday to make my writing half as appealing as his. Anyway, Thanks for all your feedback.
The Black-Raven ripped silently through the vacuum of space heading towards Hell at 25,000mph. The massive blood red planet stood against its black backdrop summoning the spacecraft to enter, taunting it. Her crew of only two sat by steaming with anxiety. “You ready to see what Hell is all about?” Kurt asked. “I’ve been sitting on twenty tons of ammunition and weaponry for the last two days. I’ll blast a damn leaf off a tree if it blows in the wind funny," Gun said. Kurt looked back at Gun and smiled. He sounded ready to him. Sure he wouldn’t be designing any new fission engines with him, but he was a great man to have in a pinch, and by all accounts they were heading straight towards the tightest pinch ever
[This message has been edited by cjpatrick (edited October 02, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 02, 2008).]
posted
The Black-Raven (Why is this hyphenated? I would just go with Black Raven)ripped(ripped? Not the verb I would choose. Space is frictionless. What about slid for example. Also adverbs are a no-no) silently through the vacuum of space (comma) heading towards Hell(This is a planet?) at 25,000mph (numbers are usually written as words. Do you need the number, or could a metaphor do the trick more elegantly). The massive (as apposed to a small planet?) blood(hyphen)red planet stood against its(its own bit of black space?) black backdrop summoning(I don't like the use of this word here) the spacecraft to enter, taunting it(really? How is it taunting it?). Her crew of only(only? Should there be more?) two sat by steaming with anxiety(This is telling--show). “You ready to see what Hell is all about?” Kurt asked. “I’ve been sitting on twenty tons of ammunition and weaponry for the last two days. I’ll blast a damn leaf off a tree if it blows in the wind funny," Gun said. Kurt looked back at Gun and smiled. He sounded ready to him.(I think you haven't established your POV clear enough here) Sure(comma) he wouldn’t be designing any new fission engines with him, but he was a great man to have in a pinch, (Sentence is too long)and by all accounts they were heading straight towards the tightest pinch ever
You have some good stuff here but it needs polishing. I would recommend Strunk and Whites 'The Elements of Style'.
The Black Raven slid towards the planet like a comet bent on annihilation. Hell's blood-red sphere loomed ever larger against the darkness--inviting, yet menacing--and the two crewmen watched. “You ready to see what Hell is all about?” Kurt asked glancing sideways at Gun. “I’ve been sitting on twenty tons of ammunition and state-of-the-art weaponry for the last two days." Gun smiled, his eyes still fixed on the screen, "I’d blast a damn leaf off a tree if it blew in the wind funny." Kurt smiled to himself. He sounded ready. Sure, Gun wouldn’t be designing any new fission engines or anything, but he was a great man to have in a pinch. Kurt glanced back at the screen. This place could pinch pretty bad...
I did this pretty quick (my excuse) but I wanted to illustrate something I couldn't do merely by commenting--setting up the POV. I gave the POV, after the omni intro bit, to Kurt. I established it by showing him watching Gun while Gun watched the screen. I further established it by having Kurt smile to himselfwhile Gun is still looking at the Planet.
I also noted you said the guys were steaming with anxiety, but they seem pretty hard nuts. I would be careful in your use of the word anxiety. Pre-battle nerves may feel like anxiety but if your guys are meant to be tough I would refrain from saying that. You may focus on their sweaty palms, or fine tremor in their hand or increased breathing, but steaming with anxiety seems out of place.
That said all the stuff I pointed out is easy to rectify. If you want me clarify anything I have said I will be happy to do so.
Adam
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited October 02, 2008).]
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Thank you. I actually picked up a copy of Strunk and White's earlier this week at a used bookstore. I hope to get into it soon. I haven't yet figured out POV just yet. So I just keep writing and then re-writing and reading books until it seems to fit. I appreciate your help.
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posted
Orson Scott card wrote a good book called 'Characters and POV' or 'Characters and Points of View', something like that anyway. It explains all the varieties of POV really well and points out common traps.
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I concure with much of what Skadder has said, but even with his rewrite this will be hard one to market. It is very pulpy and pulpy literature has only a few homes these days.
And POV stands for point-of-view. Switching back and firth in the middle of a scene is a no-no.
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Also 25,000mph isn't that fast; the space shuttle orbits the earth at something around that speed (17580). Comet Shoemaker-Levy struck Jupiter at 125,000 miles per hour.
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posted
Right. I would've had to look that one up before I could call it complete. I pretty much pulled that speed out of thin air, but I agree the metaphor works much better. I hadn't quite figured out where I was going with this story when I wrote that intro. As I stated above I had never really sat down and written anything before that. At least nothing more than a few pages I planned on deleting. I wanted to see where some of my flaws were because to me, that sounded pretty decent and I've never really had anyone to critique. I think those thirteen lines are a little off too, they don't set the proper tone for the rest of the story, I just wanted something that seemed ominous, maybe a little excited. I'm gonna pick up that OSC book, point of view has always confused me when I'm writing. In a book it seems easy to pick out some bad Point of View, it's not as easy when you're doing it yourself. Thanks a ton, Cory
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What is "pulpy" by the way? I know a lot of the 50s science fiction stories are referred to as Pulp. But what makes something pulp?
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quote:What is "pulpy" by the way? I know a lot of the 50s science fiction stories are referred to as Pulp. But what makes something pulp?
It's that Flash Gordon type of guns a blazing, guy gets the girl, good beats evil in the end, shot first ask questions later, type of style.
quote:“You ready to see what Hell is all about?” Kurt asked. “I’ve been sitting on twenty tons of ammunition and weaponry for the last two days. I’ll blast a damn leaf off a tree if it blows in the wind funny," Gun said.
Oh yes, this screams pulp. Even the name Gun fits in. Its the type of thing that used to get the 3-D glasses wearing crowd to sit up in there seats. These days its just plain sappy in the eyes of most. I got a friend that writes everything like that. It starts to wear thin after a few pages and gets predictable. I am not suggesting your entire piece is like that but the first 13 sure does sound like it.
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