posted
I posted a version of this a while ago, but never had a story for it. I think I have one now, but this has changed the intro a bit. Just comments on the intro, please.
“Something on your mind, Subbie?” Tyrone asked, peering at me. “Am I killer, Tyrone?” “No, you’re not a killer,” Tyrone looked serious, “because they aren’t human--they’re no-hums. They just look like us. Didn't anyone tell you?” He chuckled as he walked away. He brought them down to me on a trolley--six an hour--crammed into wire mesh cages. Their knees were up by their shoulders and their heads twisted to one side. I'd scan the swirl-codes behind their ears, confirm they were past their expiry dates, and then burn them. Sometimes you could hear them scream, see them rolling their eyes. I began to wonder if perhaps they could feel. “Help me,” one said, as I swung her on the chain towards the furnace. I glanced down at a single panicked eye.
Revised:
“Am I killer, Tyrone?” Tyrone looked at me. “No, Subbie, you’re not a killer. They aren’t human, they’re su--" The furnace belched fire behind him. "...well, not real humans, anyway. They just look like us." He brought them down to Termination Level on a trolley--six an hour--crammed into wire mesh cages. Their knees were up by their shoulders and their heads twisted to one side. I'd scan the swirl-codes behind their ears, confirm they were past their expiry dates, and then burn them. Sometimes you could hear them scream, see them rolling their eyes. I began to wonder if perhaps they could feel. “Help me,” one said, as I swung her on the chain towards the furnace. I glanced down at a single panicked eye.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited October 06, 2008).]
posted
No, not too suddenly dark. Just too sudden of an entrance.
quote:“Something on , your mind, Subbie?” Tyrone asked, peering at me. “Am I killer, Tyrone?”
I think it may help if we learn something about the MC before this point.
I felt sick to my stomach, again. I wondered if the butchers in those ancient slaughterhouses felt the same way. Living things going in, dead carcasses going out. Maybe they were like Tyrone, nothing seemed to bother him. Well almost nothing. “Something on your mind, Subbie?” Tyrone asked, peering at me. “Am I killer, Tyrone?”
posted
Yeah, the opening lines sounded kinda hoakey to me. Too forced. It reminds me of a commercial we have in the States. I almost didn't get through the opening dialogue. But I became intrigued when you started up with the things in cages.
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TheOnceandFutureMe
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posted
I disagree. I like the opening:
"Am I a killer, Tyrone?"
How do you not read the next line?
I think the first line is pointless. I also don't like Tyrone's response. There it does get kinda cheesy.
I agree that I'm going to need more character. Maybe before we get to the no-hum (is that no-humm or no-hume? - not sure how to pronounce that) that's asking for help, I need to know more about this character.
posted
You will have to translate 'hoakey' for me, I just can't keep up with your American phrases! Do you mean cheesy?
Of course, they are humans (the no-hums), this is a story based in a sort nazi future world. Except it isn't a racially divided society; it is class-based, hence the title, Master Class.
I guess I was going for kind of day-to-day exchange between people who work together, with the reader being the only person who gets the horror of the real situation.
The MC is called 'Subbie' because he is a no-hum (but he doesn't realise it). 'Subbie' stands for sub-human.
I have tried to understand why you (plural) think it sounds cheesy, but I can't see it myself. My dialogue doesn't usually receive crits commenting on its cheesiness, so I am left confused.
Adam
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited October 04, 2008).]
posted
Personally, I like it but agree with Snapper. I think your opening dialogue needs a lead-in like Snapper suggested. It would make it a bit smoother and easier to read. JMO
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like has been said before, i had a bit of trouble with the first several lines. im not sure how to interpret 'hoaky' or 'cheesy', but the dialogue didnt catch me. by the time i got to the wire mesh cages, however, i was hooked. by the end i think i actually said "oooooo......"
just a question, is it supposed to be "Am I killer," or "Am I a killer," --this threw me first time reading through.
posted
Definitely like this opening - it's got a tinge of the disturbing to it, just enough to hook me without pushing me away. Same reason I liked that one you did a while ago, the one about the guy who has to kill and resurrect that girl.
The only nit is 'He chuckled as he walked away' - 'chuckled' is sticking out at me. It's a bit too... jolly, I suppose - same as if you'd put 'giggled'. EDIT: now that you've told us that Subbie is a no-hum, Tyrone's laughter makes sense. I still think 'chuckled' is a bit too lighthearted, though.
Otherwise, no problems, would definitely read on.
Re. others' comments:
I don't think it needs a lead-in - I read it the way I think you intended it (Subbie isn't having a great moral dilemma, isn't torn up inside about what he's doing - nothing so dramatic. It's an everyday conversation, and the horror is in the way that they are so blithe about it). Giving it some kind of buildup would make it more than it is.
I think 'They just look like us. Didn't anyone tell you?” He chuckled as he walked away.' is the cheesy bit. It's the 'didn't anyone tell you?' that does it, though it's hard to explain why... I did notice it when I read it, but it didn't put me off, particularly.
I agree that you could safely drop the first line; I think starting with 'Am I a killer, Tyrone?' has more impact.
Hope this helps, Daniel.
[This message has been edited by bluephoenix (edited October 06, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by bluephoenix (edited October 06, 2008).]
posted
Interesting. I really like the second one. When Tyrone justifies to Subbie that they aren't real humans, it sounds more natural in the second one as he interrupts himself to explain it differently. Maybe because he knows Subbie is a sub-human, or that he feels for them and can't bring himself to call them "sub-human", or any number of reasons. It leaves a lot to wonder but nothing that I feel needs to be explained. Definitely a good establishment of background without forcing the reader's perception. I'm glad you did away with Tyrone's chuckling, I didn't understand that.
Annepin, I'd like to know what you mean by "hoakey" as well. I understand what it means but I'm curious of how it applies here in your mind. Maybe you see something we don't, which is always welcome knowledge. Also, which commercial are you referring to?
quote:Annepin, I'd like to know what you mean by "hoakey" as well. I understand what it means but I'm curious of how it applies here in your mind. Maybe you see something we don't, which is always welcome knowledge. Also, which commercial are you referring to?
Knowledge? Nah, just opinion. And it looks like I’m in the minority here. Hoakey--cheesey, but also unauthentic. Where that comes from for me is my inability to empathize with someone that might say something like that seemingly out of the blue. I can’t understand what sort of emotion triggered this moment. Presumably this guy has done this job for a while. So why now, suddenly, is he having this philosophical inner reflection? What’s the trigger? Why does he feel like he needs to reach out to his buddy now? It feels too convenient to me, like a device to hook us. It’s not a hook killer for me, though, by any means. I would read on. The commercial I’m thinking of is one of any number of sort of forced, intimate conversations. Posts: 2185 | Registered: Aug 2007
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posted
I thought the same thing, annepin. I also thought the rest of it was interesting, but I don't know if I would read on. I have a horrible habit of reading the ends of stories first, and this is the type of story that would cause me to do that - mainly because of the dark tone. I don't want to get trapped into an angst fest that ends badly. (I'm not saying this does! I have no clue!)
I didn't catch it until skadder explained it, but the fact that the MC is one of the subhumans and seems completely unaware of it is very interesting and has a lot of potential. I might read on to discover more about him.
I seem to have come back online too late to offer anything useful, but I will echo what Annepin has said...when I read the opening 13, it didn't strike me as authentic. It's a strong concept for a story, but it seems to me that this kind of feeling should be a nagging doubt that builds up over time...right now, it seems too obvious that they are feeling intelligent beings (screaming, saying "help me"); I'd personally build up to the protag's realisation a bit slower and sacrifice the immediacy of the hook.
posted
Wow. Nice opening. It's a grabber, for sure--not sure if it's new in its subgenre, because I don't read much in that way, but your description is working with the narration really well.
I'd offer to read the whole thing, but its something I'd skip if I came across it in a magazine, and I'm not sure either of us want me critiquing it. Good luck revising it and getting it out there!
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