this is something I started the other day inspired by someone I met recently. I hope to finish it by the end of the month. Just looking for comments on the first 13. All crit's welcome, Thanks!
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Jeremy Forrester lounged in a chair, his hands laced behind his head, and watched through the glass wall as nurses and other hospital personnel walked by his brothers room to attend to patients on the 14 floor. His brother, Darrel, lay asleep on a hospital bed on the far side of the room. Darrel was actually in a state of induced coma. He had been put under last night in preparation for the procedure that was scheduled for one o’clock that very day. A matrix of tubes and electrodes criss-crossed Darrel’s frail figure, pumping life sustaining fluids into his system and monitoring his vitals. To Jeremy he looked like some mad scientist’s experiment lay to rest on a crisp white sheet. Jeremy took a glance at the clock above the nurse’s station outside the room and saw it was only 12:30 – He still had time to back out if he wanted to.
[This message has been edited by Devnal (edited October 08, 2008).]
posted
Danval, I am new at this, but I will give it a stab. I began reading an editing book to help with my comments.
One book suggests writing concisely. Tight is right and rearranging the order of the sentences may help the flow. The string of compound sentences confuses the reader. Support following lines with the subject announced in the proceeding string of thought. Perhaps two paragraphs will also help this issue.
Suggestion:
Jeremy Forrester lounged in a chair with his hands laced behind his head. His brother, Darrel, lay motionless in the hospital bed on the far side of the room. He was placed in an induced coma for his procedure at one o’clock. To Jeremy his brother looked like a mad scientist’s experiment. A tangled mess of IV tubing pumped the life sustaining fluids into his frail figure. The monitor displayed his vital signs and beeped out in accordance with his heart rate.
Jeremy stared out the glass wall enclosing the ICU room. He watched as medical personnel walked into the other patient’s rooms. The clock above the nurse’s station said it was only 12:30. If he wanted, there was still time to change his mind.
Electrodes are placed on a patient’s chest. This wouldn’t jive with your comment. He seems relaxed with his hands behind his head. Would this be the case? Perhaps, a more alert position would better fill your needs. He could not watch nurses tend to other patients. There is usually a high dgree of privacy in ICU settings.
posted
I think that first sentence is a little too long, I think it could do with cutting into two. Also, all it is really telling us is that Jeremy is lounging around in a hospital, nothing really to keep me wanting to read more.
The next two sentences should become one--the first sentence tells us that Darrel is asleep and the next one tells us that he's in a coma. Maybe do away with the first of these and go straight into telling us he's in a coma?
Jeremy took a glance at the clock above the nurse’s station outside the room and saw it was only 12:30 – He still had time to back out if he wanted to. You don't need a capital h in "He". Here is your hook though, what is it he can still back out of? I think some of the effect of this hook has already been lost by that first sentence. If something bad is about to happen, something that Jeremy still is not sure he wants to go through with, would he be lounging around? I know that when I'm tense or nervous, I don't lounge with my hands behind my head, I might sit on the edge of the chair, or keep getting up to pace around the room.
posted
I think monstewer's suggestion was a good one i.e. combining the last two sentances and making them the first one. Otherwise, I zone out and find nothing compelling enough to read on. The tone and Jeremy's attitude seems relaxed for the apparent situation. I'd like less of a scene description and more insight into what Jeremy is thinking, what he might back out from and why.
Use your 13 lines to make me connect with Jeremy even if I don't end up liking him.
posted
Thanks, I need to be reigned in from the incessant bantering i write at times and remember to get to the meat and potatoes. I took out the gravy and think this works better...
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Jeremy leaned forward in his chair and glanced at the clock above the nurse’s station outside his brother Darrel’s room. It was only 12:30. He still had time to back out of the one o’clock procedure if he wanted to. He had no intention of doing so, but at the moment, the option was--alleviating. There was little resemblance between the brother Jeremy last seen five years ago, and the weak, undersized stranger sleeping in the hospital bed next to him. To Jeremy he looked like the failed experiment of some mad scientist, inhumanly fragile and plugged in here and there to life supporting machines that whirred and bleeped. He felt guilt for not being around, but today he had the chance to make it up to Darrel, and the family. Today, he would switch places with his brother.
posted
The rewrite is better, I think. But you've watered down your hook. You write that he could back out (hook), then you say that he won't. That's a suspense-killer.
The hook also might work better if you *don't* say what he could back out of. I'm more likely to keep reading to find out that information, but once you tack on that it's a one o'clock proceedure -- not very exciting by itself -- you lose a lot of my interest. If you'd rather give a tease of what that proceedure is instead of what time it will happen, that might generate more interest.
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