posted
Delita started at the sound of hammering against her habitat. She wondered if she had fallen asleep; the news screen on the media wall still flickered silently in the dusky light of the room, but then she always had the wall on mute.
The hammering again, more insistent this time.
“Yeah, yeah.” Delita ran a hand through her hair, it felt greasy and dirty. She struggled to rise to her feet. Months of inactivity had left her muscles weak and they already ached by the time she reached the wall. There was only one person it could be; and so she didn’t even bother looking through the viewer before slapping the switch.
The aluminium slats creaked and groaned and shifted, and then came to a juddering halt a metre from the ground. Three more
***
Sci-fi this time. This one is 4.8k and comments on the 13 or offers to read the whole thing are gratefully received as always.
- The word "wall" comes up 3 times; the first 2 are the media wall. I am not sure if the 3rd wall (the one she reaches) is the media wall or another wall entirely. - I would lose "but then she always had the wall on mute" - it doesn't seem to add anything. - "She struggled to rise to her feet" doesn't need "to rise".
Glad to read it if you want to send it. Should have it back to you by Monday (10/20).
posted
I have to admit I'm a bit concerned about this one. Why? It starts with the MC waking up or more accurately wondering if she's just waking up. The inclination to roll my eyes and groan distracted from what the story's trying to be.
The "She wondered if she had fallen asleep" doesn't help you and might be hurting your chances of hooking someone. If you cut the line, I'm a bit more likely to read on. There are some hooky elements: 1) the habitat - tells me we're not in Kansas anymore 2) months of inactivity
but no hints about the reason for the inactivity or her reaction to whoever's at the door to keep me going.
posted
I agree with kings_falcon. There's just not much conflict here. A lot of the sentences seem wordy.
"Delita ran a hand through her hair, it felt greasy and dirty" becomes "Delita ran a hand through her greasy hair."
"She struggled to rise to her feet. Months of inactivity had left her muscles weak and they already ached by the time she reached the wall" becomes something like: "She hobbled to the door. Months of inactivity had left her muscles weak and aching."
"There was only one person it could be; and so she didn’t even bother looking through the viewer before slapping the switch" becomes: "She didn't bother looking through the viewer before slapping the switch." You don't need the first part. As soon as the door opens it will become apparent that it's always the same person. And if you decide to keep that line, at least shorten it to something like "She knew who it'd be."
"The aluminium slats creaked and groaned and shifted, and then came to a juddering halt a metre from the ground" becomes: "The aluminium slats creaked and shifted, then halted a metre from the ground."
I just cut between 10-20 percent of your word count. That's between 400-1000 words of your final product. That means your 5000 word story could probably be told in 4000 words.
posted
The girl's attitude implies much. She's certain of the same-old same-old, but there wouldn't be a story if that were the case. The hook is subtle, not explosive. I'm asking why "mute," why "inactive," as well as wondering what is going to shake up this sad routine. Please, send the rest. I need to find out.
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