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Hi Thanks for all the feedback. I have rewritten the story and did my best at editing and punctuation. Please let me know what you think and any other suggestions are always appreciated.
Once a week, every week the guard came for him. That had been the case for the last two months and he doubted that would change. At least some things were constant. “On your feet,” one of the guards shouted from the hallway. With a sigh Saber climbed to his feet and moved to the door. “Turn around.” “I know the drill,” he retorted, turning around he placed his hands behind his back and waited. Without a word the guard whom he had nicknamed “The Stupid One” clamped iron shackles around his wrists. The weight of the shackles pulled down on his arms and rubbed the already raw and chaffed skin. With a wince he turned back to face the guard. He didn’t complain there would be no point.
I remember this, it's greatly improved. There's a few minor nits of personal style that I have, but nothing too serious...For example, there's a minor "saidism" where "he retorted" (which is implicit in the dialogue). Similarly, there's a few commas that could be inserted here or there, but nothing major.
Feel free to send the entire thing through if it's a reasonable length, say 5000 or so words (I can't remember how long it was).
I never saw the original I'm afraid, but I like this. As NickT said, there are only a couple of nits:
'“I know the drill,” he retorted, turning around he placed his hands behind his back and waited.' - I don't think the 'he retorted' quite counts as a saidism (I didn't think it was one, anyway), but you have a comma splice there. The comma needs to be a full stop ('... the drill," he retorted. Turning around [optional comma] he placed...'). As for the word 'retorted' itself... I dunno. Personal preference, but I've always found it a little clunky in most situations. I would have suggested 'he snapped' or something, but that seems a little forceful. Maybe a simple 'he said' WOULD be enough (or, of course, you could cut the dialogue tag altogether) - I suppose it depends on how you want the character to react (is submissive or irritable?). At the end of the day, it's only one word, and it's just my preference, so I wouldn't worry.
'whom'. Whom is an evil, tricky word in these situations. I THINK [and don't quote me on that] that it's correct here, but it still sounds a little... I don't know, awkward somehow. I'd switch it for a who and have done with it, but again, that's my preference.
Anyway, I'm wittering now. Overall I liked, no real problems . Daniel.
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Thanks for the responses. I think I agree with the 'he retorted' comments. I'm not sure what I'll change it to yet but I'll work on it.
Posts: 26 | Registered: Aug 2006
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This certainly sets the MC's situation, but the reader knows little about the time, place or reason the MC is in this situation. It may not be possible to establish all these in the first 13, but one or two of them would nudge the reader along to the next page.
(1) "That had been the case for the last two months and he doubted that would change." I get the point and I think it's an important one, but the sentence itself strikes me as weak. The first and third sentences are tough and punchy. This one breaks that up.
(2) "The Stupid One." This may be really nit-picky, but I think the nickname is weak. If Saber is the kind of guy I'm picturing, a tough, witty Han Solo type, he'd have thought of something punchier, funnier.
(3) "He didn’t complain there would be no point." I think you need a semi-colon after "complain" and/or to turn this bit into two sentences.
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