Title is a placeholder. My last two stories have been duds, but this one feels better upon completing the first draft, though I might be totally delusional. I'd love comments on the 1st 13 and readers for the whole thing.
Lamar was the first to see the girl as he glassed the horizon through the scope of his rifle. She was chalk-pale and blue-eyed, maybe sixteen, swigging mouthfuls from a big bottle of orange juice. Stunningly pretty and nightclub dressed, which was strange for a brewer, but it didn’t stop him fixing the crosshairs on her forehead. His scope-screen flashed green and Lamar frowned. “I got a brewer in me sights right now. Switch to manual, she’s got guidance shielding,” he let slip out from the corner of his mouth. “You sure?” Dante said. Lamar thought he heard a quiver in the kid’s voice. He nodded.
I wouldn't say the last one was a dud! This one is interesting with a good hook.
I think my only gripe here would be the "he let slip out from the corner of his mouth." I found this jarring, you want to be building tension here and this just slowed it all down and seemed a strange choice of words.
Also, maybe instead of "glassed the horizon", you might spare a couple of words to show where the brewer is--is she in a field? A street? And is it day or night...just a couple of things to get the reader settled into the story.
Looks good though, I'll read if you like though it might take three or four days to get it back to you.
* I am not a fan of 'nightclub dressed' - if nothing else, I'd hyphenate it to nightclub-dressed. * 'glassed the horizon'. It's odd, I like the phrase, though it doesn't really make any sense. * I was about to ditto ereitman on the 'stunningly pretty' bit, but I had a thought - I think brackets would solve it:
quote:She was chalk-pale and blue-eyed, maybe sixteen, swigging mouthfuls from a big bottle of orange juice. Stunningly pretty (and nightclub dressed, which was strange for a brewer), but it didn’t stop him fixing the crosshairs on her forehead.
I don't have a problem with the construction itself (cut out a load of the details, and you get something like She was chalk-pale and blue-eyed, maybe sixteen. Stunningly pretty., which I do all the time and think works quite well), but the parenthesis isn't defined enough - it's been watered down by all the extra details.
* 'he let slip out from the corner of his mouth.' - ditto monstewer, it is an odd bit of description where even a simple 'he whispered' would do the job. It's the 'he let slip' that does it - makes it sound like he spoke accidentally or something.
These are relatively minor problems, tho - I'd read on.
Hope this helps, Daniel.
[This message has been edited by bluephoenix (edited October 24, 2008).]
I've just had a complete re-write of the end and finished this one off (again). I'm interested in sending it out the door before I leave on my honeymoon...I know it's a reach, but if anyone happened to be interested in wading through it in a day or two, it would be hugely appreciated.
From our correspondence I know you are already off for your 5 weeks (Have fun!). If you want I'll take a look when you get back. I know I'm relatively "new" to this stuff but the offer is there and perhaps a less experienced eye may have a different point of view. Send it over when you can!