When Rich Jakin's fingers touched his brand new football, he experienced the first true moment of clarity of his short, ten year old life. He realised two things with utter certainty. The first was that pulling his hand free from his father's grip to chase the escaping ball onto the main road was a massive mistake; the second was that the hiss of hydraulic brakes and screech of tyres meant that the number sixty-two bus was going to make sure he never made another. He flicked his head round in time to see a mountain of red bearing down on him.
Rich shuddered and the bus just stopped in mid-skid, its grill a foot away from his head. The red of the bus faded to a shade of gray and everything became utterly silent. Rich tried to turn to his Dad but couldn't move a muscle--not even to blink.

Revised:

When Rich Jakin's fingers touched his brand new football, he experienced the first, true moment of clarity of his short, twelve year-old life. He realised two things with utter certainty. The first was that wrenching his hand free from his father's grip to chase the escaping ball onto the main road was a massive mistake. The second was that the hiss brakes and screech of tyres suggested that a number sixty-two bus behind him was going to ensure he never made another. He spun round to see a mountain of red bearing down on him.
There was a popping sensation in his eyes, and the bus just stopped in mid-skid, its grill a foot away from his head. The red bus faded to a cold gray and everything was silent. Rich tried to turn, but couldn't move a muscle--not even to blink.

On this particular line I am torn between the following:

1)The second was that the hiss brakes and screech of tyres suggested that a number sixty-two bus behind him was going to ensure he never made another.

2)The second was that the hiss brakes and screech of tyres suggested that a number sixty-two bus was behind him and was going to ensure he never made another.

3)The second was that the hiss brakes and screech of tyres suggested a number sixty-two bus was going to ensure he never made another.

The third version is the least wordy, but does it suggest what is going on clearly enough, i.e., that the bus is behind him?

Revised (2)

When Rich Jakin's fingers touched his brand new football, he experienced the first, true moment of clarity of his short, twelve year-old life. He realised that wrenching his hand free from his father's grip to chase the escaping ball onto the main road was an error; this was followed by the knowledge, when he heard the hiss of brakes and screech of tyres behind, that this was his biggest mistake--ever.
He spun round to see a huge red bus bearing down on him.
There was a popping sensation in his eyes, and the bus froze in mid-skid, its grill a foot away from his head. The red bus faded to a cold gray and everything was silent. Rich tried to turn, but couldn't move a muscle--not even to blink.
Then, in the corner of his vision, he saw an angel.

REVISION (COMPLETELY DIFFERENT):

The day Rich Jakin’s wasn’t killed by a bus was also his twelfth birthday. His Dad took him to the park and they kicked about his brand new football for an hour, and then they wandered back home. As they stood at the pedestrian crossing in the cold wind waiting for the lights to change, his Dad turned to him and smiled.
“So are you happy with the ball, eh?”
Rich grinned and grabbed his Dad’s hand, giving it a squeeze. “Yeah, it’s great, Dad.” He glanced down quickly at the ball he carried under his left arm. His Dad knew a guy at Rangers and had got the ball from the Manchester United versus Rangers match that summer—one of the actual balls they'd used.
Traffic zipped past on the main road and pedestrians slowly

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 27, 2008).]

Nice start and smooth prose. It seems like the right starting point and there’s an obvious hook here.

Can you break up “the second was that the hiss of…”? This didn’t scan right in my first read for some reason, it may be the fact that there’s not much of a natural pause due to the use of the semi-colon or it might be something else.

One minor nit comes at the point “Rich shuddered…” I’m not sure that’s the right word for the bodily reaction of almost being hit by a bus.

I’d go more for the time-frozen inevitable feel of being hit; shuddering seems to me to be the action of someone who’s witnessed something horrible and has had time to reflect/think about it. Or have I misinterpreted the action?

Regards,

Nick

REVISED ABOVE

But we're in Rich's POV and to me it seems that the time sequence of his realizations isn't authentic.

Surely he'd first realize the bus was upon him, and then -- probably much later, after the initial panic has subsided -- that wrenching his hand free of his father's was a mistake? Also, in the panic, is he really going to register the detail that it's a number sixty-two?

Two nits: "hiss of brakes"? And, I had to re-read the sentence that bothers you, wondering, "He never made another what?" Mistake is the answer, of course, but I had to think to find it, and that killed the fast action for me.

I'd suggest trimming it, short sentences to make things happen fast; you only seem to need to establish small boy, ball and bus. The hook is the freezing of action and the fading to gray, which I like.

I was going for that stretched out moment when your thoughts go extra fast because you realise you have made a mistake which is irreversible. Although panic is not something, I think, you'd be aware of in the micro-second. I reckon it would be more likely regret.

I have had a few near-misses when driving and I panic after (skidding and spinning round on a snowy motorway), but during the micro-second it happened I found myself thing stuff like, "I knew there was too much snow between lanes to cross safely--idiot!" and wondering how bad it was going to be by the time it finished.

The number 62 bus was the only bus that travels down the road, and seemed like the sort of detail someone may randomly be aware at that final moment.

'Hiss of brakes' refers to the specific sound of hydraulic brakes that buses use as opposed to cars etc. The hiss is what clues him into it being the (number 62) bus.

The sentence starting with 'The second..." I think I may revert to that having a semi-colon at the begining--it makes the mistake bit more obvious.

EDITED TO ADD: Ahhhhhh, yes I left out an 'of'. Stupid me, apologies.

Adam

[This message has been edited by skadder (edited October 27, 2008).]

On the number, certainly, if I had been run down by a bus near my childhood home I'd have known it was a number 16, the only bus that passed nearby, and I'd've cursed the fact that while usually you had to wait forever for a sixteen, it'd turned up when and where I least wanted it.

All that said, you don't need me to suggest getting the story as a whole right and not dwelling too long on the opening until you have a decent first draft.

Hope this helps,
Pat

I agree he may need a little more bodily reaction, though. I guess I envisaged him more like a rabbit in the headlights.

Your revisions took away my concern about the phrasing. Personally, I'm not fussed about the POV/time violations; they work in building the hook.

I've never come close to getting hit by a bus, but in similar (but much less dangerous) situations, my experience is what you pay attention to can be a bit odd and time seems a bit distorted when you're under a big adrenaline dump. I'm not quite sure that you've really evoked that feeling, but I'm not sure it really matters either. The 1st 13 does its job and lets the reader know what's happening. I wouldn't kill myself reworking it.

Regards,

Nick

Nothing major on the 1st 13--I was looking forward to reading on

You highlighted the one problematic line:

quote:

---

He realised that wrenching his hand free from his father's grip to chase the escaping ball onto the main road was an error; this was followed by the knowledge, when he heard the hiss of brakes and screech of tyres behind, that this was his biggest mistake--ever.

---

None of the variants read very naturally. You might want to put a stop in it and simplify. Something along the lines of:

quote:

---

...was an error. Then he heard the hiss of breaks and the screech of tyres from behind, and knew that it was going to be his biggest mistake--ever.

---

Good luck with the rest.

Yep, sorry, should have said so in my second post.

Cheers,
Pat

(That first line, with the narrator's hint of what's to come, isn't to my taste although it's a common enough technique. To me it's like watching a movie with someone who keeps saying things like, "This next bit's really good--watch." Also, I imagine there's a risk that it will dilute our feeling of jeopardy when, in Rich's POV, the bus bears down upon us.)

How about tightening it, getting to the action with the bus and the angel quicker, perhaps by losing unnecessary detail on the ball--surely its role is to just, um, roll into the road, right?

In terms of the jeopardy, I am not certain I completely agree with you. In Romeo and Juliet the narrator at the begining is explicit that it all ends in tragedy, yet it doesn't stop you hoping there is a way out for them both. Also, he never actually gets hit by the bus as other more interesting stuff happens, the interest then lies in how he could possibly escape the skidding bus.

The ball's role is to roll, but also to be seen as a object of importance to the boy--something worth persuing.

True. Not for the first time I found myself breaking my own rules--that's what they're for, right?

I don't feel strongly about that first line, hence the parens. It's more the slow pace that bothered me.

I think I like the latest revision best ('So are you happy with the ball', etc).

'His Dad took him to the park and they kicked about his brand new football for an hour, and then they wandered back home' - they went out, and then they went home. And then they were at a pedestrian crossing? Slightly jarring; I thought they'd made it all the way home.

No other real problems other than the apostrophe. All I'll say is that something'd better happen pretty quickly, because I can only read about a football for so long. I assume the bus is well on its way?

quote:

---

'His Dad took him to the park and they kicked about his brand new football for an hour, and then they wandered back home' - they went out, and then they went home. And then they were at a pedestrian crossing? Slightly jarring; I thought they'd made it all the way home.

---

Yeah...At the time I couldn't find a neat way of saying that they started walking home, stopping at the busy road for the lights.

...His Dad took him to the park and they kicked about his brand new football for an hour, then they started to wander home. They stood at the pedestrian crossing on the high street, battered by the cold wind, as they waited for the lights to change. Rich's Dad turned to him and smiled.

Or something like that would be better, I guess. The apostrophe was a typo! His name is Rich Jakins.

The bus is about 10 seconds away.

Frank.

I take what you say onboard and certainly haven't decided how to go with regards the start of this story.

Adam

quote:

---

...His Dad took him to the park and they kicked about his brand new football for an hour, then they started to wander home. They stood at the pedestrian crossing on the high street, battered by the cold wind, as they waited for the lights to change. Rich's Dad turned to him and smiled.

---

yeah, that'll do, though I'd suggest changing 'they stood at' to 'they stopped at' (and, consequently, the 'as they waited' to 'and waited'). Just a thought.

And I am always petty when it comes to typos .

I do and don't agree with what snapper said. The newest version is certainly better written than the other attempts (the original was... I don't know. I couldn't engage with it, somehow), but the others did indeed have a much stronger hook. As I said, there's only so long I can read about a football.