This time, Shade Starling wasn't sure she'd escape.
The rapid thud of the guards' boots, the jingle of their mail hauberks, were close behind her. She anticipated the cold sting of a halberd's blade in her back.

Maybe change the order. If you're going to go for "in media res", then dive into the action then get inside Shade's head.

Perhaps...

Shade anticipated the sting of a halberd's blade in her back as the rhythmic pounding of boots and the jingle of mail hauberks closed on her. She wasn't sure she'd escape this time.

"Stop, thieves!" the sergeant shouted again. "By order of the emperor!" He sounded out of breath after chasing his quarry down the lamp-lit stretches of Mytra Boulevard.

I think this is a POV violation. Shade wouldn't refer to herself as "quarry". She may be trying to get into the guard's head, but the way it's written, it seems to violate POV. May want to get other thoughts on this.

Ahead, Shade's companion dodged right. A dark side street swallowed him. Ailandyr was as fleet as any full-blooded elphine, but he held back, never out of Shade's reach. "Not giving up, are they?" he panted. "You have powder?"
"Aye," Shade grunted, the stitch in her side like a fiery brand.
"Good. Down here." Ailandyr turned down an alley. Towering

I like the action of this, so it's probably good to get to it quickly. I'd recommend that you try to distinguish this from just "any other old chase scene" somehow.

Is the powder magical and important? If so, maybe illustrate it...

Ailandyr pulled Shade along urging her to keep up. He pawed at her sides with his free hand.

"Powder! Where is it?" he said between gasps for air.

He found the small satchel and ripped it from her belt.

"This way," he yelled as he released his grip on her and bolted down an alleyway.

Maybe not the best example, but try to crank up the urgency and excitement a little since you're asking the reader to join Shade in the middle of some action.

...She anticipated the cold sting of a halberd's blade in her back...I would imagine 'cold sting' to be a little lame for a description of a person being cut down by a blade. Were it me I would be thinking more in terms of searing pain. Cold? An unrequired detail. Who cares whether the blade is cold or warm? Besides cold steel (of which this is version) is a cliche.

..."Stop, thieves!" the sergeant shouted again...Again? He hasn't done it before in the story so far, so for us it is the first time. You should say 'for the second time' and not use the word 'again'.

I think you should mention the companion earlier, and name him at the first mention.

You wrote "...This time...Was there a time before? You can't do this it kmakes it feel like the middle of the story, like I missed a bit." I really hope that "you can't do this" is a typo or something.

I studied opening lines in some of my favorite published works before I decided how to open this scene. For instance, the opening of GRRM's "A Game of Thrones": " 'We should start back,' Gared urged..." I'd say that starts in the exact middle of a crisis.

Or "Later, it was said the man came from the north..." - the opening of Andrzej Sapkowski's "The Witcher." Which pattern I used directly.

Or from literature, if you like, "And after all the weather was ideal." - the opening line from Katherine Mansfield's "The Garden-Party."

My use of "This time" certainly implies there was a time before. I chose it very carefully for that reason. And you haven't missed anything if the present crisis is the point of the scene, but a reader should unmistakably pick up on the fact that this thief has gotten into trouble before.

Apologies.

What I meant is that I wouldn't do this and neither would I recommend you do it. There is nothing wrong with starting in a middle of crisis, in fact it is a great place to start--providing I care enough about the characters to be carried along. I have no problem with that. The three examples that you give I have no problem with as they bear no resemblance to your opening line. You could list a million different opening lines and they wouldn't be the same as yours.

My concern with your opening line is minor--'this time'. It refers to/implies other times, when I am not even grounded in this moment you are writing about. You are wasting words when you could be creating clarity in the picture you are trying to paint. Who is shade and where are they...what is she doing and why?

quote:

---

This time, Shade Starling wasn't sure she'd escape.
The rapid thud of the guards' boots, the jingle of their mail hauberks, were close behind her. She anticipated the cold sting of a halberd's blade in her back.
"Stop, thieves!" the sergeant shouted again. "By order of the emperor!"

---

You have written the whole of the above yet there is nothing in to suggest that Shade Starling is running yet (the guards are running--but that doesn't mean she is). She could be stationary and desperately trying to open a door.

If Shade is belting down an alley way that is vital information, yet you don't show this for a significant period.

No...I don't believe that a halberd hammering into my back like an axe would feel 'cold', nor would it 'sting'. If someone slapped me around the face that would sting; if someone put an ice cube down my back it would be cold.

Your use of cold smacks of the cold steel cliche.

Cold steel is a cliche...it has been over used.

Of course, you can use that if you so wish--I am only trying to point out something an editor would perhaps notice and think you were being lazy in that you rely on a cliche rather than doing something new.

quote:

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This time, Shade Starling wasn't sure she'd escape. [Immediately, I wonder how many times she's tried to escape.]
The rapid thud of the guards' boots, the jingle of their mail hauberks, were close behind her. She anticipated the cold sting of a halberd's blade in her back. [Nice action. You could have left "her" off of the "close behind" to add a little more immediacy, but that's just a nit.]
"Stop, thieves!" [You mean thief, right?]the sergeant shouted again. "By order of the emperor!" He sounded out of breath after chasing his quarry down the lamp-lit stretches of Mytra Boulevard.
Ahead, Shade's companion[Okay, you might have let me know shad had a companion in the first sentence. You didn't have to get specific, but let me know she's not alone, so I don't stop here and wonder where a companion came from.] dodged right. A dark side street swallowed him. Ailandyr[Is this her "companion, or another?] was as fleet as any full-blooded elphine, but he held back, never out of Shade's reach. "Not giving up, are they?" he panted[IMHO:said, because if he's holding back, he's not going to sound like he's sprinting]. "You have powder?"
"Aye," Shade grunted, the stitch in her sidewhat stitch in her side? Literal? A sudden pain?] like a fiery brand.<--[There's a word missing, too. was like a fiery brand?]
"Good. Down here." Ailandyr turned down an alley. Towering

---

I like that you put me in the action. You settled the question of "when" right off, and did it well. Altogether it has a hook.

My main problems were with the surprise of her companion, and the clunkiness of the first and second sentences.

I do have a minor issue with the lines: 'Ahead, Shade's companion dodged right. A dark side street swallowed him. Ailandyr was as fleet as any full-blooded elphine, but he held back, never out of Shade's reach. "Not giving up, are they?" he panted. "You have powder?"'

I am aware of cold rolled steel, but can find no reference to specifically identify and define 'cold steel'.

http://tinyurl.com/mvnuu

Doubtless there is one somewhere.

There are a fair few types of steel that are are 'stronger' (tensile strength) than cold rolled steel.

'Cold steel' is a commonly used phrase. There is even a company that manufactures knives under it as a trade name.

However, that is all irrelevant. This discussion was based on the imagined sensation of the steel on Shades back--its temperature, not on its carbon content. I very much doubt you could ascertain either the temperature of the steel or, for that matter, its carbon content, while fleeing with your back to said 'cold steel' or with it lodged in your back.

quote:

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A cliche, yes, but if a blade were to stab you, I imagine it would feel frightfully cold, as a matter of *fact*, not cliche.

---

Kate Elliot ( http://tinyurl.com/6noka4 )critiqued one of my own early 13 lines on one of her websites. I used the phrase 'cold steel' and she said it was a cliche. Cliche is a matter of opinion...and I guess I accepted the opinion of a highly successful author and added it to my list of personal no-nos.

I guess if you think it isn't cliche then use it.

As far as the first line goes, it stays now as a matter of principle.

And thanks to everyone for taking the time to comment!

I like what you've got started here. It has sparked the interest to read on, that's a GREAT SUCCESS in your first 13. The characters have started to pique some interest, I want to know more about the action. I even want to know more about the whole town/city/setting you have constructed with this opening.

Some things could be tightened further. That is a good thing.

You Wrote:
"Stop, thieves!" the sergeant shouted again. "By order of the emperor!" He sounded out of breath after chasing his quarry down the lamp-lit stretches of Mytra Boulevard.

I'm just throwing some stuff out here but:
Tighten 'shouted again' further if possible.
'He sounded out of breath', this can certainly be tightend and in turn strengthend.

Further polishing and tightening will strenghten a good start here.