First 13, Second Draft:
“Abhijat Rao, I’m more than pleased to issue you the rank of Earth Technology Guard III,” my boss announced with his usual smooth, gracious tone. My colleagues applauded, some politely, a few with genuine enthusiasm. I pushed my way around the crowd toward the podium, nearly falling into one of the sustainable food troughs which lined the walls. Clearing my throat, I tried to think of something grateful to say; instead, a mixture of insults waltzed into my head, most of them partying around my boss’s ridiculous post-recycled-corn based pants.

“You must be polite, Abhi, always polite,” I heard my mother’s voice echo in my mind. True to my upbringing, I remained calm and graceful, extending my hand for an old fashioned shaking. I threw in a calculated chuckle and heartfelt grin for good

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First Draft:
Abhijat Rao, I’m pleased to anoint you the new rank of Earth Technology Guard III,” my boss announced with his usual smooth, gracious tone. My colleagues applauded, as is their custom. I thought a camera flash went off but it was just the light reflecting from my boss’s uncannily perfect teeth.

“You must be polite, Abhi, always polite” I heard my mother’s voice echo in my mind. True to my family training, I remained calm and graceful, returning the handshake. I added in a calculated chuckle and heartfelt grin for good measure. Unfortunately this encouraged my boss to produce a hug. He smelled of Patchouli and sweat.

My mettle was then tested by an hour of post-ceremony reception.

...

[This message has been edited by Andrew McLennan-Murray (edited January 19, 2009).]

Pleased to meet you. Now let's see what you got going...

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"Abhijat Rao, I’m pleased to anoint you the new rank of Earth Technology Guard III,”

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This is the only potenial hooky line in your opening. The new job sounds almost interesting. However, the dialog sounds unnatural for an office announcement. Especially the 'anoint'. I imagine it to sound something like...

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"...I am pleased to announce that Abhijat Rao is now the new Earth Technology Guard!"

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my boss announced with his usual smooth, gracious tone.

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I liked how you used the descriptive sounds of his bosses voice in place of a speech tag. Well done.

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My colleagues applauded, as is their custom.

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This however is clunky. Maybe something like...

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As expected, my colleagues applauded politely.

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I thought a camera flash went off but it was just the light reflecting from my boss’s uncannily perfect teeth.

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Seems a bit to bright to me. Unless the boss is an alien, you may want tone down the ilumination of those teeth.

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“You must be polite, Abhi, always polite” I heard my mother’s voice echo in my mind.

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I recommend you italicise the thoughts in his head instead of quotation marks.

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True to my family training,

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try 'upbringing' instead of 'family training'.

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I remained calm and graceful, returning the handshake.

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Hmmm, the first part of that sentence seems forced. Maybe...

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I graciously returned my bosses handshake.

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I added in a calculated chuckle and heartfelt grin for good measure. Unfortunately this encouraged my boss to produce a hug. He smelled of Patchouli and sweat.

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Not bad. I like it.

This entire piece still lacks a hook. I suggest you put out what a Earth Technology Guard is up front. This reads just as you wrote it, a mundane office promotion.

@Snapper Re: family training. I'm changing this as you suggest - I felt it was a strange thing to say as well. Same with the line about applause. It didn't quite say exactly what I wanted it to.

Re: The hook - should be, as annepin mentioned, the fact that this guy isn't all that excited about his fancy-sounding promotion (and therefore frustrated and forced to endure a party in honor of something he doesn't desire). I didn't want to reveal specifically what an Earth Guard was quite yet because it's core to the universe in which the character lives. Suggestions on language to bring out the fact that "this guy is just barely containing himself when he should be patting himself on the back for the promotion" would be amazing!

As per Kathleen's suggestion, here's some more information about the story:

1. First 13 lines. What I'm looking for: I mostly want to know if you'd be interested in reading the full story based on the first 13, suggestions on how to clean up the language are also welcome. Please shout if you feel a line or concept seems cliche or difficult to understand (or if you love a concept!). I would certainly accept volunteers to read the whole thing once it's done - just lmk.

2. Length - TBD - Currently 2,200 words - final length will probably be somewhere between 3,500 - 5,000 depending on how far I want to take it.

Trust me, that ain't easy. Do you think you could get the reader to chuckle with your first 13? That is what it will take to get someone to read the next 13, and then you better find a sharp hook there.

Unfortunately, the gleamy teeth isn't funny, just weird. You will either need to put something visually funny in the first 13 OR make his take on the promotion amusing. And as someone that routinely tries to hook with humor, I am going to say that you have a very tall task indeed.

I'm not saying you should change it, just that you should be aware of this aspect in case it matters to you.

1. Your use of the word anoint. I'm guessing that you used this word to imply that these people place much importance on their work, even to the point of it being religious. But I don't think you used it quite the right way. Instead of saying "(I) anoint you the new rank of Earth Technology Guard III" I think it would be more correct to say something like "I'm pleased to anoint you as the new(est) Earth Technology Gaurd III".

2. "My colleagues applauded, as is their custom." Unlike some of the others, I don't think there's anything wrong with this sentence, per se. However, as soon as I read it I immediately asked myself whether or not the narrator was specifically addressing an audience who is overtly unfamiliar with what the narrator is discussing (ie, early 21st century earthlings). If so, then there is nothing wrong with the sentence. But, if the narrator is talking to people of his own kind, or, more specifically, people who already are familiar with his circumstances then I think the sentence needs modification, eg- something more like what snapper suggested.

On the whole I was interested in reading more. To me, finding out more about the character's circumstances can be as much of a hook in a speculative fiction story as the events themselves.

I also changed the other line you commented on, "as is their custom" because I agreed with Snapper that it stood out as a bit odd (not necessarily wrong, but just odd) and while I'm not opposed to writing odd things; when I do I like it to be with purpose.

Both the term anoint and the 'as is their custom' were meant to give the reader a sense that the English used by the chacter was a little off, perhaps because he was part of this alternate society, perhaps because he was just a little odd himself. Either way, I decided after reading the comments here that it wasn't implying what I wanted it to imply. Or at least that it might not be. So I've attempted to clean up that ambiguity some in the re-write.