posted
Need feedback on first 13 lines. Hook or BORING???? Thanks for your help.
Seren knew that the sea was dangerous. Cian talked incessantly about the dangers in the wilderness, and always armed himself with his stone-thrower. And she knew that the deadliest creature in the sea was the Elyrie. Even the mention of its name paled the bravest men’s faces, and prompted Usa, the wise woman and matriarch of the Altruians , to make the sign of the Shield, the protective hand signal, over every member of her tribe. Usa explained to Seren that the Elyrie was only half of this world; the other half belonged to the world of spirits. No one had ever been known to survive the Elyrie’s stare. Even if its physical body was killed, it cursed every person it looked upon. Within the rising of the sun the following day, that person would die; be it from illness, murder, nature or attack by animals.
posted
Has the feel of an epic myth///I liked that///there were a few too many names for my preference thrown around right off the bat/// I think you have some interesting stuff here but some tightening up without quite so much revelation right at the frst maybe? I would read more Posts: 690 | Registered: Oct 2008
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posted
Like honu, I also thought that you threw in too many names right off the bat. I'm sorry to say, but I wasn't THAT hooked. Though I think your first two lines were good.
They were good, but I think you should take another approach and have action from the beginning of your story to capture the reader. I believe you can attract a reader a lot easier with action, some may not agree with me, I don't know.
What i would do is start off with showing actions against Elyrie and someone's fierce encounter with he/her/it. Since some know of Elyrie, someone had to survive an encounter with her/her/it and may be alive in your story. They may be crippled, hurt badly still to this day. But this never stopped Seren....
This is the track i felt your story was on, as if Seren was going to encounter Elyrie. Well, thats my take on it. Hope it kind of helped. You have a lot of interesting information. keep it up.
[This message has been edited by OlsenOlsen (edited January 07, 2009).]
posted
How about this version? Tried to tighten and eliminate some names. I know what you mean about all the names. Thanks for pointing that out. The conflict comes in the next paragraph, so I wanted to set the stage for it, so to speak. What the Elyrie is perceived to be is not the relevation: it is what it actually is that is, which appears as the story unfolds. Let me know if this works for you.
Seren knew that the sea was dangerous. And she knew that the deadliest creature in the sea was the Elyrie. Even the mention of its name paled the bravest men’s faces, and prompted Usa, the wise woman, to make the sign of the Shield, the protective hand signal. Usa explained to Seren that the Elyrie was only half of this world; the other half belonged to the world of spirits. No one had ever been known to survive the Elyrie’s stare. Even if its physical body was killed, it cursed every person it looked upon. Within the rising of the sun the following day, that person would die; be it from illness, murder, nature or attack by animals.
Nice to see you again, glad to see you’re writing again. I like the first line as it presents the protag and creates a bit of tension, but you’re still infodumping.
I think you need a different starting point and some character interaction to get the necessary information across. I'd start at a point just before your protag makes the decision to go to sea to confront the Elyrie (maybe Usa tries to dissuade her...show us this scene, don't tell it) or even right at the point where she is about to confront it. We don't really need to know anything about the Elyrie apart from the fact it's dangerous at this stage of the game.
posted
Thanks to everyone. I will keep working on it. I have other versions (this was actually the fourth try), so maybe I can integrate the information with the action (which you haven't seen because it was one of the other incarnations.) Maybe I'll post one of those and see it they work as better hooks. Thanks again. I appreciate your feedback.
Posts: 52 | Registered: May 2008
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posted
Here's the problem as I see it. You have a set up, or a premise. You don't have a story yet. You won't have a story until, IMO, you have a character doing or wanting something.
My 2 cents:
Seren knew that the sea was dangerous. And she knew that the deadliest creature in the sea was the Elyrie. Even the mention of its name paled the bravest men’s faces, and prompted Usa, the wise woman, to make the sign of the Shield, the protective hand signal"protective hand signal" sounds like jargon or something. Is there a more eloquent way to phrase this?.
Up to this point, I'm reasonably hooked. But you lose me in the paragraph that follows. I can stand summary and backstory up to a point, but the next paragraph is where, IMO, you should start the action. "Seren scanned the blue expanse for sign of her quarry..." Take us into the scene, show us why we should care that Seren knows the Elyrie is dangerous.
Usa explained to Seren that the Elyrie was only half of this world; the other half belonged to the world of spirits. No one had ever been known to survive the Elyrie’s stare Don't think we need this info yet. You introduce a new character, but we don't even know who Seren is yet. Introduce Seren first (and by introduce I mean show her doing her something) before taking about Usa, who is meaningless to us now.. Even if its physical body was killed, it cursed every person it looked upon. Within the rising of the sun the following day, that person would die; be it from illness, murder, nature or attack by animals. All of this stuff I think can be show in scene, through moments of thought or reflection while Seren is doing something.
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited January 08, 2009).]
posted
I think you're right, you need to integrate all this into the action and plot.
It's a natural way to learn about a world you're writing, to describe what you are creating, but if that's your opening, the next draft needs to have that cut. It kind of *is* boring, to just hear about some random creature, rather than learning about it when it matters, when it's on-screen, and we know the character well enough we care how dangerous it is.
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