The day was September 18, 2130, the time was 14:40, and on the distant planet of Fellodon, the slow sunrise was obscured by smoke and snow. Neil Richter, the newest recruit of the 31st Lunar Division, opened the back hatch of his falcon-class warmech and stepped out, climbing down a thirty-foot rope to the icy ground. He stepped around his vehicle, examining the damage it had sustained during the battle he had fought only minutes earlier. Small burn marks and bullet dents dotted the surface of the vehicles thin armor plating. Neil examined the weak armor joints closely and did not notice any damage, much to his surprise. His warmech was a scouting type, not as heavily armored as a true fighting mech – he had suspected that it would have taken considerably more damage from the light

It sounds like you’ve got the plot, characters, etc. of this short all mapped out, which is a great start.

My personal opinion of the 1st 13 is that it’s a little bit thick and that it mightn’t actually be the true starting point of the story. The set-up has potential in that there is an inherently tense situation, but you might need to shuffle things a bit to increase the hook of the 1st 13.

Firstly, I think you can trim the opening sentence; the date and time isn’t particularly significant in the context of the story (after all, as soon as you talk about the lunar division or the warmech, we know it’s the distant future). The “slow sunrise” line is also a bit confusing…that implies that there’s enough smoke and snow to obscure all of the sunrise whereas I think you mean that the sunrise is obscured from his initial position in the cockpit of the warmech. Either way, I don’t think it’s a detail that adds much to the scene-setting. The icy-ground establishes the weather (as well as his hatred for snow).

From the POV of a reader who isn’t that into “military” sci-fic (so please take this advice with a grain of salt…detail may well be the lifeblood of this particular sub-genre), all I really need to know about the set-up is that his vehicle/spacecraft has been damaged in battle, the damage isn’t as bad as he had feared, but now he has to make his way to camp in a time of war. That’s the hook as far as I’m concerned.

I’d also be wary that the opening of the story is essentially going to have Neil walking down the road for a while before anything actually happens. Is there anything stopping you from placing him just before his first “encounter” (whatever it is)?

Logically, I do have some points of confusion…the set-up seems to suggest that he’s made an emergency landing, yet he’s managed to do so where there is a makeshift hanger and newly paved road. Why not just fly straight to the camp if he’s capable of picking out a safe location to land his warmech (the fact that he’s comfortable parking it in a hanger that’s large enough to hold a 30 foot + spacecraft suggests that it belongs to his own army)? “Makeshift” also seems a bit unlikely given the implied size of the warmech.

Minor point; just saying “he’d always hated snow” gets what you need across.

Cheers and good luck with finishing it,

Nick

I feel, like Nick, that this might not be the best starting point. Hearing about the things that happened to the warmech, makes me want to experience the battle he has just partaken in. Like Nick, I don't feel the time is necessary.

I feel that the start lacks some umph. You're describing things, and I like how its described, but what I really want is the conflict. Perhaps ease some of the description into some other paragraphs, so its not so bulky in the beginning, and moves along quicker.

You have set a scene nicely, its just not an overly exicting scene, it needs some conflict or something to draw me in.

I had no problems with the writing itself, and the scene if it were a second or third scene and i had already felt for the character it it wouldnt be bad.