posted
I haven't even written any of this story, and I did this pretty quickly. I think it may be a little choppy but I just want some opinions and i guess changes if you'd like. What do you think is going on, or what don't you understand? thanks.
One thousand lives were born. One thousand-sixteen lives, to be exact. Under the sun, when the stars had just faded, and the morning wind had just picked up. As if God had placed them there, this is how they came to be, but they had always rejected that idea, for what is a good God to never allow peace to all of their souls? Mother nature would always show her mercy though, creating a soft bed of grass for the child. She even gave rise to the beautiful flowers that scattered the plain, for the child loved to look upon them. Especially on the mornings his life began again.
------------------------------Second try-Entirely different "Why have you so much wisdom little one?" asked the women. "We have traveled far and wide Miss." replied the boy. "May you explain to me how traveling constitutes your wisdom?" she questioned. The little boy pondered for a moment, but gave no hesitation as he spoke, "The more we see, the more we learn, the more we learn, the more we understand." The women was astonished, for how could a boy not but the age of five speak of such things? She examined the boy once again, his eyes had wondered off into the back of the classroom. Is he acting now, or is he just a normal oblivious child? "I must ask, why do you refer to yourself as we?" The boy's eyes narrowed, his mouth became a thin line.
[This message has been edited by OlsenOlsen (edited January 14, 2009).]
quote:One thousand lives were born. One thousand-sixteen lives, to be exact.
The first sentence works, but the second sentence isn't needed.
quote:Under the sun, when the stars had just faded, and the morning wind had just picked up.
I would recommend combining this sentence with the first. An example would be:
"One thousand and sixteen lives were born under the sun, when the stars had just faded, and the morning wind had just picked up."
Not a great example, but alone that sentence doesn't sound right.
quote:As if God had placed them there, this is how they came to be, but they had always rejected that idea, for what is a good God to never allow peace to all of their souls?
This sentence confused me. So, as if god had placed them there... So god didnt place them there? They had always rejected what idea? God didn't place them but is now giving them peace?
quote:Mother nature would always show her mercy though, creating a soft bed of grass for the child. She even gave rise to the beautiful flowers that scattered the plain, for the child loved to look upon them. Especially on the mornings his life began again.
Another section that confuses me. The child loves to look upon flowers... but he isnt born yet? He's born and reborn every morning? I don't quite understand. At the beginning we were talking about one thousand and sixteen people. It's now just one?
I'm a bit concerned with a lack of characters and conflict so far. This passage, to me, seems almost like a prelude to the story, rather than the story itself.
Keep at it, ill try and check back for any revisions you have.
[This message has been edited by Gan (edited January 11, 2009).]
posted
First impression is I'm a bit lost, so is the second impression///maybe if you focused on one concept and hammered it out a bit more/// Posts: 690 | Registered: Oct 2008
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posted
Hey thanks for the input, i know it needs some work, i just wanted to see if anyone could understand it. Obviously i need to change things, I'll probably take a different approach. Thanks.
Posts: 52 | Registered: Sep 2008
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posted
Although I know this is a lot different from my previous attempt, it is actually entirely different, I thought i should still post it here. What do you think?
"Why have you so much wisdom little one?" asked the women. "We have traveled far and wide Miss." replied the boy. "May you explain to me how traveling constitutes your wisdom?" she questioned. The little boy pondered for a moment, but gave no hesitation as he spoke, "The more we see, the more we learn, the more we learn, the more we understand." The women was astonished, for how could a boy not but the age of five speak of such things? She examined the boy once again, his eyes had wondered off into the back of the classroom. Is he acting now, or is he just a normal oblivious child? "I must ask, why do you refer to yourself as we?" The boy's eyes narrowed, his mouth became a thin line.
quote:"Why have you so much wisdom little one?" asked the women.
A small error, but I think you mean woman.
Opening with dialog can be risky. I'd recommend opening with a couple lines of something else, if possible. Feel free to use the term "said". Its usually the best word to use.
It might be a personal quirk, but I prefer "The woman asked", rather than "asked the woman". I have no idea if one is more correct than the other, but I feel the second sounds better.
quote:The women was astonished, for how could a boy not but the age of five speak of such things?
Women should be Woman. Probably just missed it whilst writing. You don't need to add the bold, its perfectly fine without it.
quote:She examined the boy once again, his eyes had wondered off into the back of the classroom. Is he acting now, or is he just a normal oblivious child?
You can italicize the thoughts, it will make it more clear. The thought itself though, is rather obscure. Perhaps rewording it would make it easier to understand.
All in all, I prefer this draft to the last one. This one definitely interested me more, and was less confusing.
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